Struggle

I struggled for years with liking myself, depression, eating, gaining weight, being lazy. So now, after thinking I have all that under control I realize I never did. I started working out, eating better, even saying nice things to myself (and no putting myself down anymore). I have lost 50 pounds in 6 months. I know how to loose weight, so why have I given myself permission to stop?

As you know I have had a hard time "coming to terms" with my weight loss. I'm still at a loss as to why. I struggled for so long while putting it on, so why do I have to struggle while taking it off???

Maybe because I have lost a lot of weight so quickly? It is pretty shocking if you think about it. 50 pounds in 6 months. 8.3 pounds a month. An average of 0.25 pounds a day. Clearly my body wants to get rid of the weight. I know I am doing it the correct way. So why do I give myself permission to eat nothing but crap?

All that results from eating crap is I feel like shit and I gain weight again. My body clearly doesn't like it. I know this, but it still doesn't stop me from eating McDonalds, oreo cookies (by the handfull), or any of the other junk I have shoved into my mouth in the last week.

Is what I'm going though normal? Do most people have to stuggle this much?

It's exausting. I'm tire of struggling. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of combining my self worth with my eating.

BMI

I was talking to my mom the other day and her weight loss goal was to get her BMI (Body Mass Index) below 25. She is at 24.7. YAY! Congrats Mom!

So it got me thinking. What's my BMI? So I Googled a BMI calculator and added my height and weight into it and came up with 34.9.

Here is what the web site said about my BMI:
Height: 5 feet, 11 inches
Weight: 250 pounds
Your BMI is 34.9, indicating your weight is in the Obese category for adults of your height.
For your height, a normal weight range would be from 133 to 179 pounds.
People who are overweight or obese are at higher risk for chronic conditions such as high blood pressure, diabetes, and high cholesterol.

Rather depressing.
 
So, I need to loose about 100 pounds. Holy crap.
 
Do you ever feel so overwhelmed you are paralyzed? That's me. Right now. A part of me wants to take the easier way out and get lap band or something like that. But I also know that I need to deal with the emotional part of why I am this big or I will just end up right back here. I am working on that, or at least I'm trying to.
 
Getting my house organized and looking the way I wanted was overwhelming, but I was able to get a large part of my house decluttered/cleaned by going one room at a time. It's a lot closer now than ever before. So why can't I do that in my weight life too?
 
My brother, sister, mom and dad are all loosing weight. Each for their own reasons, but they are doing it, except me. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy and excited for all of them, but what the hell is my problem? Why do I keep coming up with excuses not to go to the gym? Why am I not able to see that I am worth it?
 
I guess I'm scared. Scared of the work. Scared of what people are thinking as I jiggle my way through another workout. Scared of never being happy with myself. Scared of what my husband will think of me. Scared of what I will think of me. Scared of what the world will think of me. Will I like me? What will it be like to live life as a thin person?
 
I have been overweight for over 15 years. I cried when I realized that. I'm 34. 15 years is almost half my life. It's just so sad. I have let this weight issue rule my life for too long. I guess what I'm saying that I am ready. Ready to become the person I'm scared to become. Ready to put my name on the list too. I think....
 
~me
 
PS ~ did you notice I put my starting weight in this post? :) talk about UGH!

Time to start again

Ok so I thought I needed to start blogging a little more. I just read an article about people who lost a lot of weight and how they blogged about it. So I thought, "What the hell, lets give it a try". Soooo here we go...

I started Weight Watchers online about 2.5 weeks ago. I am only doing online and I don't go into meetings. So far I have lost 4.2lbs. (yay me!) I have averaged 2lbs a week, which is what I hear is what you are suppose to do. I started out at 255lbs. I am now down to 250.8lbs and my next little goal is to get below 250lbs next week. Oh, and I'm a size 20 or XXL in clothes.

Yes I still go out to lunch 3 or 4 times a week. I do choose smarter meals, but I also have had fastfood (I still LOVE McDonalds). I track every french fry and when I use up most of my points I go for a salad, or some other low point meal for dinner. Even if I am not very hungry at dinner time, then I will just have a big snack/small meal. I have only gone over my daily allotment of points twice since I started.

I have not started working out yet. I do feel the need to, so now it's time to work that in. I'm just not sure exactly when that will happen. I think in the evenings are going to be best.

At the same time I joined Weight Watchers I have started to clean and declutter my house. I am a pack rat. Not quite to the hoarder level, but I could probably get to that point if I let myself. I love stuff! You never when you might need that one little thing, so I HAVE to keep it. I am trying really hard to donate or get rid of lots of stuff. So far, I'm doing pretty good. There is a pretty good pile for the dump and another good one to be donated.

I think this year is going to be about taking control of my life. My emotional life. My home life. My child's life (hahahah I know, pretty funny right?!??!). I have let how my house make me feel like crap for far too long. I have a lot of stuff. It's time to get out from under it. It's time to clean all the nooks and crannies of the house. Time to unload my physical space of useless clutter so I can unload my emotional space of useless thoughts.

I am so amazed at how much better I feel since I started this project. Self discipline is (and always has been) an problem for me. I forced myself to vacuum and mop the floor last Monday night. I REALLY didn't want to clean the floor at 8:30pm. I was tired and I had been putting it off for weeks (I had been spot cleaning the floor). But, I did it. I woke up Tuesday morning with such a light heart. I didn't have to do any chores that day before my dinner party. My daughter and I were able to spend the day playing instead of me stressing out over needing to mop the floor and then being disappointed in myself when I didn't get it done except for the minimum spot cleaning.

So this blog is how I'm going to help myself unload my emotional clutter. I will keep you updated on all my ups and downs. I hope you're ready! I'm so excited to see what is to come!

Learned something...

Well, tonight was day 2 of working out. I took my car this time and plugged the name of my gym in the gps and found one sorta close. I couldn't fine one online that close, so I was a little hesitate, but I figured I may as well drive to it and see what's going on. Well, it was closed. :( So, I went to the next closest one and it ended up being 17 miles from my house. Not exactly convenient.

I was there, and so I went in and did my little workout. A few things I didn't like about that gym. The parking lot was on the dark side and kinda creepy. I walked in and the first thing you see is the pool. That's cool and all, but where was the equipment? I had to ask someone to find the treadmill. Ugh.

Found the treadmills and hopped on. The cardio area was in a small area and there was bad ventilation. It was hot and humid in there. Gross. Not how I want to work out.

The bonus was some guy thought cologne was the same as deodorant. Dude, seriously! Use the pit stick not the bottle!

I also learned that I should eat AFTER I work out. I think a snack would be fine before, but a full belly wasn't all that comfortable. I didn't feel sick or anything but I felt full.

The last thing I learned was I can be creative in my meals but I have to sit down and count the calories before hand. I made a pretty yummy turkey pita sandwich and I had some potato salad (thinking I had a little wiggle room in my calories). BUT it was over 800 calories. Ugh. Another lesson learned.

Now I know.

My progress: 2 miles on treadmill in 33 min.