Annoyed

Ok so I've talked before (several times I think) about how I get in my own way. How I self sabotage. How I struggle every day. Every. Day.

So is it a decision I'm making daily to struggle? Why do I feel the need to make this journey a struggle? Is the struggle necessary? Can I just stop? Have I changed my food addiction for a struggle addiction?

Could it be so easy to just decide to stop and it will happen? Dare I hope?

I found this tattoo on Pinterest and fell in love with it. "without struggle there is no progress." is that true? Do I HAVE to go through the struggle to make progress? Can't I just decide that I want to make progress and just do it?

Ok, so, I'm pretty tired today. I mean, really tired. I feel like it was finals week in collage.

 This is what my workout schedule looked like this week:
Monday: 9:30am
Tuesday: Off (I help out in Cassie's class in the morning)
Wednesday: 5am and yoga at 8:30pm
Thursday: 9:30am
Friday: 5am

My first thoughts are HOLY SHIT too. And then I think, "There is gymnastics workout on Sunday, I wonder if I can do that too." So right now I'm resting on Saturday, Sunday and Tuesday. I need to find something to do on one of those days. I think gymnastics on Sunday is the ticket.

I really struggled through this mornings workout. I'm not going to lie. Totally half assed it. I allowed my mental thoughts of being tired rule over my body. I THOUGHT I was tired so my body said "Yep, you're way too tired to do anything" and I said "ok" and didn't go nearly as hard as I know I can do.

I even said "I could have done better" as soon as time was up. ugh!

Another thing about me: I love quotes. LOVE them.

Here is one that is totally applicable to today:

"Wether you think you can or can't, you're right."

Although I am tired beyond belief, I have seen some great results. I weighted myself and I'm at 202lbs!!! I'm almost below the 200's!!! Don't forget I was 265lbs at my heaviest, and I haven't been below 200 since 1996!!! CRAZY!!

I'm excited to be able to shop in any store and not have to go to the Women's section. To have my only problem when trying to find clothes be that I'm tall (not as much of an issue as it used to be). To find jeans that make my ass look good.

I discovered that my calves have great definition! I was shaving and I flexed my legs (seriously I flex everything when I can) and HOLY SMOKES they are some great looking calves. Just need to work my way up the rest of my body. :)

I'm excited for the eating right and goal setting seminar at the gym tomorrow. It will be interesting to see what happeneds in the next couple of weeks!

Paleo

Here's the Paleo way of eating in a nutshell.

Basically, if the caveman can find it, you can eat it. If it goes through some sort of process after it's grown, then it's on the No Eat list. Bread, pasta, sweets, flour (any flour whole wheat or not), and refined sugar are among the many on the list.

Here is another good list of what I eat and what I don't:

It wasn't that hard to change over as I thought it would be. The hardest part was having the treats and snacks in the house for my daughter and not being able to enjoy them. Now I get physically ill if I eat something overly processed. You know, like Cheese-its. :)

I have had so many benefits in my body and how my body works to ever change how I eat.

1. Zits. I don't get zits anymore. I have been eating strictly Paleo for 7 weeks now, and my skin cleared up within 10 days and has been clear ever since. Not only has my skin cleared up, but my pores look smaller too!

2. Farting. I almost never fart anymore. And when I do, no one dies. ;) This is because most processed food turns to sugar in your digestive track. It's the sugar that creates gas and the only way to get rid of it is to fart.

3. Pooping. (I went there with farting, may as well keep going) I don't have much personal waste anymore. I eat clean foods so my body actually uses it as fuel and has very little byproduct from that fuel. And as with the farting, I don't have to use a ton of air fresheners after I'm done.

4. I feel hungry again. Eating all those simple carbs in the overly processed food for some reason made my body think it wasn't hungry. I could eat once a day and never feel hunger. It's was really weird and I didn't like it at all. I like to know what my body wants and to not have to guess.

5. Craving. I did have some pretty serious craving the first couple of weeks into this. I had to get creative for awhile when all I wanted was sugar. (I ate more fruit then I should have, but fruit is better then cake. I have since cut way down on the fruit.) Things sound good, like the bread basket before dinner, but I don't NEED it. I make very flavorful food. I change the flavors as much as possible so I don't get bored. I also vary the meats I eat, so I don't get stuck in a chicken rut (or something like that).

What do I miss most? Mexican. Think about what is on the menu at a Mexican restaurant. Beans, chips, rice, tortilla, cheese. Don't eat any of those. I do get fajitas and then eat just the meat and veggies. Well, it would be nice to have dessert every once in awhile that isn't a bowl of berries.  But that goes back to craving sugar and I don't crave that anymore.

Anyway, that's all I have right now on eating Paleo. :)

~And so we go.

Things I've learned...

Now that it's been MONTHS since I last blogged, I thought I'd log in and leave something. :)

Here is a list of things I've learned about weight loss, myself, and life in general since starting my weight loss journey a year ago. (Yes a WHOLE year ago!)

1. You most likely won't see the changes in your body as fast as someone who doesn't see you everyday. Let's face it, you look at yourself every day. You can see some of the big changes but probably not the little ones. Give yourself a break.

2. Take measurements! I mean it! It's so rewarding to pull out my little book as see that I've lost SEVEN INCHES off my waist. I would never have known the amount of feet I've lost all over my body if I didn't start measuring.

3. Eat correctly! Eat as clean as you can. A good rule to live by is, If it goes bad then it's good for you. Have you seen those photo's of McDonald's food that has been sitting out for YEARS? Yeah, that food doesn't go bad. I eat a Paleo style diet. Everything I eat will go bad sooner then later. Meat and veggies are the mainstay of my diet. I don't eat anything that has been processed in anyway. Bread, pasta, fast food, soda (this was hard to give up, but worth it in the end), doughnuts, cake, candy and just about anything you think is super yummy. My body doesn't like any of those things anymore. It makes my stomach very upset. Not worth it.

4. Work your ass off in the gym and your ass will get smaller. As most of you know, I do CrossFit. I have for the last year. I have never once left the gym looking nice, put together or anything other then sweaty and a hot mess. I also go to 24 Hour Fitness and I always see people on some machine or another reading a book, not even breathing heavy, let alone breaking a sweat. You should have a towel because you have to wipe the liquid awesome (sweat) off your face, not because you need something to sit on.

5. Stick with it. You are worth eating the right foods. You are worth the time it takes to work out. Everyone has bad days. Bad weeks. We all have stressful lives. Someone who depends on us. Put yourself on the top of the fucking list and keep it there.

If you do these things, you will see changes. I promise. This has worked for me. My eating style works for me. It may not for you. Find the one that does. Drink more water then you ever have in your life. Yes, you will pee a lot more, but your body will thank you.

I'm finally past the half way point in my weight loss journey (yay!) but I still have a long way to go. I hear the last few pounds are the hardest. It's time to buckle up and do what needs to be done.

~And so we go.

Labels

Ok, so I have been struggling with coming to terms with my weight loss. it has taken me several months of self analyzing as to what is going on emotionally with me. Talk about a lot of work! :)

Here is what I came up with; I am having a hard time with several labels. I have put some of them on myself and other people are also putting them on me. Words like: inspiration, role model,  amazing, beautiful, successful. I have never thought of my self as an inspiration or role model. These are labels I would never give myself. I guess that's why I am having such a hard time accepting them.

In my mind I am working out and eating right because it's what a normal responsible person does. I didn't go into this journey hoping to be someones inspiration or role model. I have always wanted labels like; mother, self sufficient, reliable, independent.

It's not that I don't want people to tell me I'm an inspiration to them, I just don't know how to react. How to you respond to "You're such a role model" or "You're such a inspiration". I just say thanks and smile. I am honored that people see me this way. If you feel this way, I don't want you to not say these things, I just need to figure out how to receive them.

I understand that these coments come from a place of love. Please don't edit what you say to me, I don't want that. I am learning how to accapt your encuragement it will take me some time.

I think this "learning how to receive" is what has been slowing my weight loss down. Why I have failed at making the perminate change over to a Paleo eating habits. It's a lot to take in and learn. Please be patient with me.

And so we go...

Struggle

I struggled for years with liking myself, depression, eating, gaining weight, being lazy. So now, after thinking I have all that under control I realize I never did. I started working out, eating better, even saying nice things to myself (and no putting myself down anymore). I have lost 50 pounds in 6 months. I know how to loose weight, so why have I given myself permission to stop?

As you know I have had a hard time "coming to terms" with my weight loss. I'm still at a loss as to why. I struggled for so long while putting it on, so why do I have to struggle while taking it off???

Maybe because I have lost a lot of weight so quickly? It is pretty shocking if you think about it. 50 pounds in 6 months. 8.3 pounds a month. An average of 0.25 pounds a day. Clearly my body wants to get rid of the weight. I know I am doing it the correct way. So why do I give myself permission to eat nothing but crap?

All that results from eating crap is I feel like shit and I gain weight again. My body clearly doesn't like it. I know this, but it still doesn't stop me from eating McDonalds, oreo cookies (by the handfull), or any of the other junk I have shoved into my mouth in the last week.

Is what I'm going though normal? Do most people have to stuggle this much?

It's exausting. I'm tire of struggling. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of combining my self worth with my eating.

Self Doubt Sucks...

So does knowing I disappointed Coach Paul. Disappointing anyone is really hard for me to deal with. It always has. If you want to see me crumble, just tell me you're disappointed in me. No he didn't say he was, but I know he knew I could have done better.

I SHOULD have been able to do the workout he put up on the board today. Should have. I have a mile long list of excuses as to why I couldn't. I'm good at that. Making excuses. (Who isn't really?) It was set up as a endurance WOD, so the weight was light, but I still allowed myself get in my own way.  When I first started this journey I was physically in my own way, now I'm mentally/emotionally in my own way.

Why? Why do I have to struggle so much? Why can't I just go balls to the walls and get the work done as fast as possible? What am I afraid of?Yes my muscles are going to be tired, yes it probably will hurt, yes I'll probably be tired. But all those things are temporary. I SHOULD be able to do more work faster then I have been.
 I have a good idea what my fear is about. I think it's about being fearful of success. Crazy I know. When I think of what I'll look like in another 40(ish) pounds, it kinda freaks me out. I am having a hard time visualizing what I'll look like. Plus, who looses 40 pounds in 5 months? How many people or able to get half way to their goal so quickly? I never dreamed (or even thought) I could get there so quickly.



It might also go along with my feelings on self worth. My other trainer (Coach Shawna) asked me yesterday why I was having problems with being successful, and my answer was "I never thought I could do it." That's the simple answer. The other simple answer? No self worth. Once I gained the weight I never felt worthy of feeling good about myself. Why should I feel good when I weighed 260 pounds? Why should I like myself? Why should I be happy? I didn't do anything to deserve any of the positive things that any "normal" person had. But now, now I'm working hard, eating right and loosing weight and I still feel like I don't deserve any of those things.

I feel so much better without the 40 pounds I've lost. I can physically do more things then I could before. I am much happier. I don't put myself down nearly as much as I used to. For the first time in A LONG time I actually feel like I'm not going to die young. I feel like I will live a normal length.

I think it also scares me that I can loose 80 pounds in less then a year. That's just crazy!!! I'm not on The Biggest Looser. I haven't had any surgery or anything. What person do you see all the time does this? On the other side of being successful quickly is: What the hell was I doing to myself? This tells me that I am more athletic then I ever thought I was, but I was hurting myself before by not working out/eating right/etc. Yes I was good at sports when I was younger, but that was MANY moons ago.

So with all of those positive things going for me, why am I having such a hard time accepting success? Is that what I'm having a problem with or is it something else? I don't know. I think it might be time to find a shrink to help me get over this.

I guess another part of it is I have never worked so hard for anything before. I have always taken the easy way out. Growing up I played a lot of sport. In soccer I wanted to be the goalie so I wouldn't have to run around so much (less work for me). Then when I was goalie I wouldn't dive for the ball because I was afraid of hurting myself. I was pretty good at softball, but that came naturally. I didn't really need to try hard.  I tried cross country but was never a top finished, plus it was A LOT of running (LOL) so I didn't do that again. I did swim team in high school (all 4 years), but again was always middle of the pack, so I didn't really pursue it outside of the school team.

So taking the easy road is normal for me. It's easy to go slow. It's easy to grab a lighter kettle bell. It's easier to say I worked as hard as I couldn't while not really breathing hard and know deep down I really didn't. I have been telling people that I'm slow but I get the work done. That's not good enough anymore. I want to be able to walk out of the gym and barely be able to move. That's how I know I did good enough.

I'm not used to pushing myself this hard. It's new and weird. I'm not sure I like it, but I know I need to do it. I know that if I don't push myself, no one else will. I know I won't be able to reach my goal in anything I do, not just my weight.

I choose to workout at CrossFit because it scared the crap out of me. It took me more then a month to not get nervous while driving to the gym. Now, I don't know how to workout at a normal gym. I love the place. The people are amazing. Every work out is different. I'm never bored.

Thanks for "listening". I think I just needed to lay it all out there and see what it looks like. I am still in my own way, but I guess it's a work in progress. If you have ANY thoughts, ideas, suggestions. ANYTHING please post or email it to me. If you are reading this then you are part of my life somehow, so please don't hesitate to share. (I clearly don't! LOL)

And so we go...