I have never been a writer. Maybe because it was always forced on me in school, or because in my mind I'm not able to write because I'm dyslexic. But I keep thinking of this blog and getting back into writing. I actually enjoy it and my soul loves it.
I've learned I'm really good at putting a label or a limit on myself and believe it whole heartedly. Such as, I have dyslexia so I can't possibly be a writer, or when my coach gives me a goal I think there is no way I can do that. I allow myself to get in my own way. I know this and yet I still allow it.
I keep thinking that I can't do something, like eating a certain way, but then I do it. All the while I keep thinking I can't do it. I know how to eat, what to eat, when to eat AND that's what I'm doing. I have more energy, I'm physically stronger and starting to loose weight (again). I'm doing it. Seriously. I am. So why can't I just sit back and allow the process to happen? Why must I fight it? Doubt it? Have no faith in it?
If my coach sets a goal, like a time he wants me to beat, I hear that number and then think "there's no way". Most times I'm right (because I allow that to be right), sometimes I'm not. Like on Thursday. Coach gave me a time he thought would be tough to beat, and I beat it by 20 seconds. And I know that I could do it faster. I felt very empowered. I wanted to prove I could do it.
I realized the other day that if I had been eating healthy for the last 3 months I would have lost A LOT more body fat then I have. I woke up this morning and let that thought sink in some. I ate well for breakfast (Herbalife shake and tablets) and then jacked it all up after church.
You're prolly thinking "so what, you had one bad meal." Well, yes I had one bad meal (and it wasn't all THAT bad, but it wasn't great either) but then that leads into other bad eating. I came home and had several pieces of banana bread made from white flour, not paleo style. It was delicious, but my tummy is now upset from breakfast AND the "snack" after. I'm physically ill.
I have done this for the last 5 days. I eat my healthy Herbalife shake for breakfast and then all hell breaks loose after that. I vowed to myself this morning that I would be really good today, but then didn't. I get so frustrated with myself for not having the self discipline to do what I need to do.
The pastor in church today (he was a guest speaker and I forgot his name...) talked about Trusting God. Not only do I have to put my trust in God that A) this is the right thing for me, but B) it's the right thing to do. I have to have faith in the system (of eating and exercising) that it will work. Actually, I know it does. I've proven it to myself over and over and over.
So, here goes. I put all my negative feelings and thoughts into an imaginary yellow balloon then let it go. I my mind I filled that balloon with all of the bad things I think, feel, allow and then let it go. I watched it float all the way up to the clouds. (No I'm no crazy, I am a very visual person.) I'm going to give myself over to the process whole heartily and trust it will work. Do I have to be 100% perfect in my eating 100% of the time? No, probably not. But, I am a food addict and I know there will be slip ups, but one here or there isn't going to cause me to fail. I'm still learning that balance of when and how much I can eat that isn't on the plan.
I'm trying. I'm not giving up. Right now, it's literally one day at a time. I have to plan some for my upcoming vacation, but other then that. One meal and one day at a time.
I can do this.
I will succeed.
~And so we go
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
Back to basics...
Ok, so it's time to get back on the horse and get back to basics. I have allowed so much in my life to get out of control. My eating habits, my workout habits, and just the basic rhythm of my life. I have put on about 25 pounds since Christmas.
I am going to get control of my eating. I am. For real. I'm serious.
Here is what I am going to start doing tomorrow. Even though it's a Tuesday.
1. Log every damn thing I put into my mouth. E V E R Y T H I N G.
2. Measurements. Getting back to taking measurements every month.
3. Paleo. My body likes Paelo. It responds well to Paleo. I have done it and I can do it again. I got lazy and it's time to stop.
4. Add Herbalife in there.
5. Blog. Yep, I miss it and love sharing my thoughts a feelings. It's very similar to therapy for me.
Buckle up! It's about to get real in here!!!
~And so we go
I am going to get control of my eating. I am. For real. I'm serious.
Here is what I am going to start doing tomorrow. Even though it's a Tuesday.
1. Log every damn thing I put into my mouth. E V E R Y T H I N G.
2. Measurements. Getting back to taking measurements every month.
3. Paleo. My body likes Paelo. It responds well to Paleo. I have done it and I can do it again. I got lazy and it's time to stop.
4. Add Herbalife in there.
5. Blog. Yep, I miss it and love sharing my thoughts a feelings. It's very similar to therapy for me.
Buckle up! It's about to get real in here!!!
~And so we go
Friday, November 30, 2012
More fear...
Ok, so in my last post I talked about Fear. How it can steal your potential. I have been doing a lot of thinking about that the last few days.
I kept coming back to what am I REALLY afraid of when I get to my fitness goal. I think I figured it out. What if my best isn't good enough? What if I get to my goal and I'm not happy? Will I ever look at myself and say "Yep, you look great"? I'm scared that when I get to my goal it won't be good enough.
I the last time I was a size 10 I was 18 years old and thought I was fat (silly girl). So that isn't a frame of reference for me. I was an athlete and was in shape, but not muscular like I want to be now.
I have a recurring fear of not being good enough. A good enough mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter, etc. At least when I was working my yearly reviews let me know if I was good at my job. I don't have those any more. How does someone know you are a good enough mom? I had a really hard time answering that question for a couple of years after I had my daughter. I kinda still do, but I've learned how to deal with that.
So, how does one know they are good enough when there isn't a point of reference? Yeah, I don't know either, I guess I'll find out when I get there.
~ And so we go...
I kept coming back to what am I REALLY afraid of when I get to my fitness goal. I think I figured it out. What if my best isn't good enough? What if I get to my goal and I'm not happy? Will I ever look at myself and say "Yep, you look great"? I'm scared that when I get to my goal it won't be good enough.
I the last time I was a size 10 I was 18 years old and thought I was fat (silly girl). So that isn't a frame of reference for me. I was an athlete and was in shape, but not muscular like I want to be now.
I have a recurring fear of not being good enough. A good enough mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter, etc. At least when I was working my yearly reviews let me know if I was good at my job. I don't have those any more. How does someone know you are a good enough mom? I had a really hard time answering that question for a couple of years after I had my daughter. I kinda still do, but I've learned how to deal with that.
So, how does one know they are good enough when there isn't a point of reference? Yeah, I don't know either, I guess I'll find out when I get there.
~ And so we go...
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Life Inerrupted
As you know by now, I have been dealing with (battling, coping, living with, etc) depression for over 15 years now. For the most part I have a good handle on it now. For the most part. I have more good days then bad. I (for the most part) have come to terms with the fact I will have this for the rest of my life. It's part of who I am now.
I was sitting in church today and the pastor was talking about fear. What causes it, how we deal when it happens and how we get through it. He said something to the effect of "Fear is paralyzing. It can steal your potential. It can steal your joy."
Oh, man did that ring true! I know my eating is out of control again (my jeans told me this morning when I put them on) and I'm not spending as much time at the gym as I should be. In other words, I've been slacking off. I have mentioned being overwhelmed with success on my FaceBook page and people were pretty supportive. Here's the thing, I know I can be really great at CrossFit. I know it in my bones, but I'm allowing the fear to hold me back. Why? Why am I afraid of success? Why am I afraid of pushing myself? It's being healthy and in shape suppose to be a good thing? Isn't this what I wanted?
My answer to all is: I don't know. I am intentionally holding myself back. Intentionally eating junk food and not giving my body the correct fuel. Intentionally not pushing myself as hard as I can in workouts. What would I loose if I was successful in my weight loss? Actually I have the answer but it involves people who I'm not willing to discuss here, so I can't answer it publicly. Sorry.
Why did I start going to CrossFit? It's pretty hard core and intimidating as hell. I was nervous every time I went in there for over a month. I found CrossFit about 2.5 years before I joined. I bookmarked the web page and I'd visit every once in a while to convince myself it where I needed to be. In the mean time I was going to 24 Hour Fitness every so often and trying a class, tried to use the machines and saw no results. (Which ended up in me eating more... not real helpful.) Then one day (a Sunday I think) I decided to email the owner/head coach (Trainer Paul) that I was interested and what does his program do. He emailed be back within an hour and I had an appointment with him the next day. I brought the daughter to school the next morning and found the gym. I was SOOOOOOOO nervous when I walked in the door.
I found a gym with almost no machines (my comfort zone) and it was all class based. After talking to Paul for about 30 minutes (he explained how the gym worked and all that jazz) I took the leap off the deep end diving board and signed up. I have my very first workout on Wednesday. Here's what happened on that first workout. You know, one of my first posts here. :)
So, back to the fear thing. I was completely afraid when I sent that email to Trainer Paul, when I agreed to meet with him, when I signed up, and beyond afraid when I walked in for my first workout. But I didn't let that fear stand in my way. Ok, so really I did for over 2 years while I checked out the web page every once in a while. But then I had 20 seconds of insane courage and something amazing happened.
I have allowed my life to be interrupted two major times. Once when the depression hit (I talked about it here) and just recently when I gave up on myself. My potential gone. My joy lost. I have been feeling emotionally unbalanced for a while now, and I really don't want to take medications again. I never found one that works for me and all had bad side effects. I know I can find my potential and joy again. I have found it before, but then it was lost again. I guess it's time to figure things out and find it again.
So, maybe I need another 20 seconds of insane courage and do something. Sign up for something, what? I have no idea. I need a goal. My last 2 big goals got yanked out from under me because of an injury, so now what? I'll find something and I'll let you know when I do.
Homework time, I need to let go of my fear of success and get back to eating Paleo. I can do this.
~And so we go
I was sitting in church today and the pastor was talking about fear. What causes it, how we deal when it happens and how we get through it. He said something to the effect of "Fear is paralyzing. It can steal your potential. It can steal your joy."
Oh, man did that ring true! I know my eating is out of control again (my jeans told me this morning when I put them on) and I'm not spending as much time at the gym as I should be. In other words, I've been slacking off. I have mentioned being overwhelmed with success on my FaceBook page and people were pretty supportive. Here's the thing, I know I can be really great at CrossFit. I know it in my bones, but I'm allowing the fear to hold me back. Why? Why am I afraid of success? Why am I afraid of pushing myself? It's being healthy and in shape suppose to be a good thing? Isn't this what I wanted?
My answer to all is: I don't know. I am intentionally holding myself back. Intentionally eating junk food and not giving my body the correct fuel. Intentionally not pushing myself as hard as I can in workouts. What would I loose if I was successful in my weight loss? Actually I have the answer but it involves people who I'm not willing to discuss here, so I can't answer it publicly. Sorry.
Why did I start going to CrossFit? It's pretty hard core and intimidating as hell. I was nervous every time I went in there for over a month. I found CrossFit about 2.5 years before I joined. I bookmarked the web page and I'd visit every once in a while to convince myself it where I needed to be. In the mean time I was going to 24 Hour Fitness every so often and trying a class, tried to use the machines and saw no results. (Which ended up in me eating more... not real helpful.) Then one day (a Sunday I think) I decided to email the owner/head coach (Trainer Paul) that I was interested and what does his program do. He emailed be back within an hour and I had an appointment with him the next day. I brought the daughter to school the next morning and found the gym. I was SOOOOOOOO nervous when I walked in the door.
I found a gym with almost no machines (my comfort zone) and it was all class based. After talking to Paul for about 30 minutes (he explained how the gym worked and all that jazz) I took the leap off the deep end diving board and signed up. I have my very first workout on Wednesday. Here's what happened on that first workout. You know, one of my first posts here. :)
So, back to the fear thing. I was completely afraid when I sent that email to Trainer Paul, when I agreed to meet with him, when I signed up, and beyond afraid when I walked in for my first workout. But I didn't let that fear stand in my way. Ok, so really I did for over 2 years while I checked out the web page every once in a while. But then I had 20 seconds of insane courage and something amazing happened.
So, maybe I need another 20 seconds of insane courage and do something. Sign up for something, what? I have no idea. I need a goal. My last 2 big goals got yanked out from under me because of an injury, so now what? I'll find something and I'll let you know when I do.
Homework time, I need to let go of my fear of success and get back to eating Paleo. I can do this.
~And so we go
Monday, November 12, 2012
It's Time
Well, it's been forever since I posted again. Life just gets in the way
sometimes!
My eating:
I suck at making the right choice. I KNOW what to do, but I choose not to do it. I always come up with some excuse and justify it to myself. I think that is my biggest frustration with myself. I have taken the time to educate myself, I have taken that education and applied successfully in my life.
Sooooooo why can't I keep going?
Well, I'm tired of working so hard in the gym and not seeing the results on my body. I can tell I'm gaining muscle but my clothes need to be getting too big at the same time, but are not. I'm not losing fat like I should be and it's because of my eating. It's time for my belly to go. It's time for my arms to look better. It's time for some smaller clothes. It's just time.
Yep, I'm going to have days that are better than others. Yep, I'm going to have to work hard. Every day. Every choice I make about food has to be thought out. Planned. Thought about. EVERY. CHOICE. Not just one meal every so often, but EVERY piece of food that goes in my mouth has to be accounted for.
I have been loging my food for months now, but it's time to get real. I have to log ALL my food, not just most of it. Even that little bite of cake. Or that cookie. ALL. OF. IT.
I HAVE to workout at least 5 times a week. My daughter is going off track after this week, so she'll be home for 7 weeks. She's going to get tired of the gym. Too bad. Mom has to workout. :)
I'm going to have to sacrifice food I want to eat (and shouldn't) for food that my body needs. It needs fuel, not junk. If it can go bad, it's good for you. Twinkies, not so much.
I started Herbalife about a month ago. I have lost 1.5 inches off my waist within 2 weeks with it. But I wasn't eating healthy when I should have been. I am drinking 2 shakes a day and eating one meal. I love it! My body loves all the protean. I am also taking supplements and trying to get all the good things my body needs to live a long happy life.
I love and believe in Herbalife so much I'm going to start selling it! I don't have a clue what I'm doing yet, but I'll get there. I want to help people get to where they need to be. It's not a temporary choice, it's a lifelong commitment. TRUST me when I say; If I can do it, so can you.
My weight:
I have been stuck at this weight for about 6 months now. I know what I'm doing wrong and it's time to fix it. I'm tired of the scale moving just a little down and then going right back up. I so desperately want to be below 200 lbs. It's time to make that goal and then some.
It's time to be able to shop any place I want. To only have to look for tall clothes, not tall and fat clothes. It's time for me to feel comfortable in my body. To stop second guessing every clothing choice.
I guess what I'm saying about everything is it's time. Time to get control of everything again. Time to fuel my body and not feed it junk and expect to perform.
~And so we go
My eating:
I suck at making the right choice. I KNOW what to do, but I choose not to do it. I always come up with some excuse and justify it to myself. I think that is my biggest frustration with myself. I have taken the time to educate myself, I have taken that education and applied successfully in my life.
Sooooooo why can't I keep going?
Well, I'm tired of working so hard in the gym and not seeing the results on my body. I can tell I'm gaining muscle but my clothes need to be getting too big at the same time, but are not. I'm not losing fat like I should be and it's because of my eating. It's time for my belly to go. It's time for my arms to look better. It's time for some smaller clothes. It's just time.
Yep, I'm going to have days that are better than others. Yep, I'm going to have to work hard. Every day. Every choice I make about food has to be thought out. Planned. Thought about. EVERY. CHOICE. Not just one meal every so often, but EVERY piece of food that goes in my mouth has to be accounted for.
I have been loging my food for months now, but it's time to get real. I have to log ALL my food, not just most of it. Even that little bite of cake. Or that cookie. ALL. OF. IT.
I HAVE to workout at least 5 times a week. My daughter is going off track after this week, so she'll be home for 7 weeks. She's going to get tired of the gym. Too bad. Mom has to workout. :)
I'm going to have to sacrifice food I want to eat (and shouldn't) for food that my body needs. It needs fuel, not junk. If it can go bad, it's good for you. Twinkies, not so much.
I started Herbalife about a month ago. I have lost 1.5 inches off my waist within 2 weeks with it. But I wasn't eating healthy when I should have been. I am drinking 2 shakes a day and eating one meal. I love it! My body loves all the protean. I am also taking supplements and trying to get all the good things my body needs to live a long happy life.
I love and believe in Herbalife so much I'm going to start selling it! I don't have a clue what I'm doing yet, but I'll get there. I want to help people get to where they need to be. It's not a temporary choice, it's a lifelong commitment. TRUST me when I say; If I can do it, so can you.
My weight:
I have been stuck at this weight for about 6 months now. I know what I'm doing wrong and it's time to fix it. I'm tired of the scale moving just a little down and then going right back up. I so desperately want to be below 200 lbs. It's time to make that goal and then some.
It's time to be able to shop any place I want. To only have to look for tall clothes, not tall and fat clothes. It's time for me to feel comfortable in my body. To stop second guessing every clothing choice.
I guess what I'm saying about everything is it's time. Time to get control of everything again. Time to fuel my body and not feed it junk and expect to perform.
~And so we go
Monday, September 17, 2012
Annoyed
Ok so I've talked before (several times I think) about how I get in my own way. How I self sabotage. How I struggle every day. Every. Day.
So is it a decision I'm making daily to struggle? Why do I feel the need to make this journey a struggle? Is the struggle necessary? Can I just stop? Have I changed my food addiction for a struggle addiction?
Could it be so easy to just decide to stop and it will happen? Dare I hope?
I found this tattoo on Pinterest and fell in love with it. "without struggle there is no progress." is that true? Do I HAVE to go through the struggle to make progress? Can't I just decide that I want to make progress and just do it?
So is it a decision I'm making daily to struggle? Why do I feel the need to make this journey a struggle? Is the struggle necessary? Can I just stop? Have I changed my food addiction for a struggle addiction?
Could it be so easy to just decide to stop and it will happen? Dare I hope?
I found this tattoo on Pinterest and fell in love with it. "without struggle there is no progress." is that true? Do I HAVE to go through the struggle to make progress? Can't I just decide that I want to make progress and just do it?
Friday, September 14, 2012
Ok, so, I'm pretty tired today. I mean, really tired. I feel like it was finals week in collage.
This is what my workout schedule looked like this week:
Monday: 9:30am
Tuesday: Off (I help out in Cassie's class in the morning)
Wednesday: 5am and yoga at 8:30pm
Thursday: 9:30am
Friday: 5am
My first thoughts are HOLY SHIT too. And then I think, "There is gymnastics workout on Sunday, I wonder if I can do that too." So right now I'm resting on Saturday, Sunday and Tuesday. I need to find something to do on one of those days. I think gymnastics on Sunday is the ticket.
I really struggled through this mornings workout. I'm not going to lie. Totally half assed it. I allowed my mental thoughts of being tired rule over my body. I THOUGHT I was tired so my body said "Yep, you're way too tired to do anything" and I said "ok" and didn't go nearly as hard as I know I can do.
I even said "I could have done better" as soon as time was up. ugh!
Another thing about me: I love quotes. LOVE them.
Here is one that is totally applicable to today:
"Wether you think you can or can't, you're right."
Although I am tired beyond belief, I have seen some great results. I weighted myself and I'm at 202lbs!!! I'm almost below the 200's!!! Don't forget I was 265lbs at my heaviest, and I haven't been below 200 since 1996!!! CRAZY!!
I'm excited to be able to shop in any store and not have to go to the Women's section. To have my only problem when trying to find clothes be that I'm tall (not as much of an issue as it used to be). To find jeans that make my ass look good.
I discovered that my calves have great definition! I was shaving and I flexed my legs (seriously I flex everything when I can) and HOLY SMOKES they are some great looking calves. Just need to work my way up the rest of my body. :)
I'm excited for the eating right and goal setting seminar at the gym tomorrow. It will be interesting to see what happeneds in the next couple of weeks!
This is what my workout schedule looked like this week:
Monday: 9:30am
Tuesday: Off (I help out in Cassie's class in the morning)
Wednesday: 5am and yoga at 8:30pm
Thursday: 9:30am
Friday: 5am
My first thoughts are HOLY SHIT too. And then I think, "There is gymnastics workout on Sunday, I wonder if I can do that too." So right now I'm resting on Saturday, Sunday and Tuesday. I need to find something to do on one of those days. I think gymnastics on Sunday is the ticket.
I really struggled through this mornings workout. I'm not going to lie. Totally half assed it. I allowed my mental thoughts of being tired rule over my body. I THOUGHT I was tired so my body said "Yep, you're way too tired to do anything" and I said "ok" and didn't go nearly as hard as I know I can do.
I even said "I could have done better" as soon as time was up. ugh!
Another thing about me: I love quotes. LOVE them.
Here is one that is totally applicable to today:
"Wether you think you can or can't, you're right."
Although I am tired beyond belief, I have seen some great results. I weighted myself and I'm at 202lbs!!! I'm almost below the 200's!!! Don't forget I was 265lbs at my heaviest, and I haven't been below 200 since 1996!!! CRAZY!!
I'm excited to be able to shop in any store and not have to go to the Women's section. To have my only problem when trying to find clothes be that I'm tall (not as much of an issue as it used to be). To find jeans that make my ass look good.
I discovered that my calves have great definition! I was shaving and I flexed my legs (seriously I flex everything when I can) and HOLY SMOKES they are some great looking calves. Just need to work my way up the rest of my body. :)
I'm excited for the eating right and goal setting seminar at the gym tomorrow. It will be interesting to see what happeneds in the next couple of weeks!
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