My Victim Story

Why o why do I self sabotage? I have been doing great for 2 weeks by loosing 2lbs each week. I have spent so much time in getting my house organized and cleaned up. I have been happier over all, no quite so mean or yelling quite so much.

So with all that great work I have been doing (on myself and my environment) why the HELL did I think it was ok to get 2 bags (YES 2 BAGS) of candy and not eat it all in one sitting??? Ok so I did do better and not eat it all in one sitting, but I ate both bags within 5 days. That is way too much candy.

By giving myself permission to have the candy (even with restrictions) I also allowed myself to indulge in other horrible for me foods. I have not had as much salad, or fruit, or all the other goody foods.

Why can't I let myself succeed? Why do I feel the need to be a victim? Ooooo let's explore the victim thing for a moment. I think to explore this victim thing we have to go back to the beginning. What happened to me to trigger the weight gain.

In 1995 I was offered a job at a local camp for the summer. Basically I got the job on Wednesday, graduated high school on Saturday and moved to the camp on Monday. Let's just say that my life was perfect in my eyes at that time. I was able to graduate high school (it was a little ify there for a bit) and then get offered my dream job right after. What could be better? It was a GREAT summer.

So the next summer I applied and was offered and accepted the job again (I was a lifeguard so I didn't have my own kids, but I got to spend lots of time with all the kids). After the interview I let my boss know that I would have to miss a few days because of a vacation that was already planned. One of the conditions of the job was some extra training from the Red Cross. Ok no big deal. I was in communication with the Red Cross and trying to get signed up for classes.

I then received a letter in the mail. It was a rejection letter letting me know that the job that I was offered and accepted was being taken away from me. Of course I called my boss and spoke to her to let her know that A) the vacation fell through and so I didn't need any time off and B) I was in the process of taking the classes she required. She told me she would think about it and get back to me. She never called.

I was devastated.

I was given the gift of have another perfect summer, and then to have that yanked out of my hands for reasons that were out of my control. This utter and complete devastation caused a major depression. A depression I still live with to this day. The depression triggered the weight gain. I was a size 10 and went straight to a 14. I put so much weight on so fast I skipped a COMPLETE dress size. I still remember trying on jeans and having to tell my Mom to get the next size up because a 12 didn't fit. I felt utterly devastated. Again.

So I have be battling depression and my weight since 1996. 15 years. I have let this woman completely change the direction of my life. I have be trying to find that piece of my soul that died for 15 years. I am still very bitter and angry at her. What really just gets my goat, I have no doubt she has no clue what that one decision did to me.

I have about 100 lbs to loose now because of a decision one person made 15 years ago. I am now a size 20. My clothes are twice the size they were before this event changed me. When I fold my laundry I am still amazed at how large my pants are. When I see myself in pictures I am flabbergasted at how big I am because in my minds eye am still the size 10 I was back then. I have been on and off several different depression medicines, seen several therapists and yet, I'm still devastated.

I wish I could let all that negative energy go.

How can I move on?