Life Inerrupted

As you know by now, I have been dealing with (battling, coping, living with, etc) depression for over 15 years now. For the most part I have a good handle on it now. For the most part. I have more good days then bad. I (for the most part) have come to terms with the fact I will have this for the rest of my life. It's part of who I am now.

I was sitting in church today and the pastor was talking about fear. What causes it, how we deal when it happens and how we get through it. He said something to the effect of "Fear is paralyzing. It can steal your potential. It can steal your joy."

Oh, man did that ring true! I know my eating is out of control again (my jeans told me this morning when I put them on) and I'm not spending as much time at the gym as I should be. In other words, I've been slacking off. I have mentioned being overwhelmed with success on my FaceBook page and people were pretty supportive. Here's the thing, I know I can be really great at CrossFit. I know it in my bones, but I'm allowing the fear to hold me back. Why? Why am I afraid of success? Why am I afraid of pushing myself? It's being healthy and in shape suppose to be a good thing? Isn't this what I wanted?

My answer to all is: I don't know. I am intentionally holding myself back. Intentionally eating junk food and not giving my body the correct fuel. Intentionally not pushing myself as hard as I can in workouts. What would I loose if I was successful in my weight loss? Actually I have the answer but it involves people who I'm not willing to discuss here, so I can't answer it publicly. Sorry.

Why did I start going to CrossFit? It's pretty hard core and intimidating as hell. I was nervous every time I went in there for over a month. I found CrossFit about 2.5 years before I joined. I bookmarked the web page and I'd visit every once in a while to convince myself it where I needed to be. In the mean time I was going to 24 Hour Fitness every so often and trying a class, tried to use the machines and saw no results. (Which ended up in me eating more... not real helpful.) Then one day (a Sunday I think) I decided to email the owner/head coach (Trainer Paul) that I was interested and what does his program do. He emailed be back within an hour and I had an appointment with him the next day. I brought the daughter to school the next morning and found the gym. I was SOOOOOOOO nervous when I walked in the door.

I found a gym with almost no machines (my comfort zone) and it was all class based. After talking to Paul for about 30 minutes (he explained how the gym worked and all that jazz) I took the leap off the deep end diving board and signed up. I have my very first workout on Wednesday. Here's what happened on that first workout. You know, one of my first posts here. :)

So, back to the fear thing. I was completely afraid when I sent that email to Trainer Paul, when I agreed to meet with him, when I signed up, and beyond afraid when I walked in for my first workout. But I didn't let that fear stand in my way. Ok, so really I did for over 2 years while I checked out the web page every once in a while. But then I had 20 seconds of insane courage and something amazing happened.

I have allowed my life to be interrupted two major times. Once when the depression hit (I talked about it here) and just recently when I gave up on myself. My potential gone. My joy lost. I have been feeling emotionally unbalanced for a while now, and I really don't want to take medications again. I never found one that works for me and all had bad side effects. I know I can find my potential and joy again. I have found it before, but then it was lost again. I guess it's time to figure things out and find it again.

So, maybe I need another 20 seconds of insane courage and do something. Sign up for something, what? I have no idea. I need a goal. My last 2 big goals got yanked out from under me because of an injury, so now what? I'll find something and I'll let you know when I do.

Homework time, I need to let go of my fear of success and get back to eating Paleo. I can do this.

~And so we go