I have never been a writer. Maybe because it was always forced on me in school, or because in my mind I'm not able to write because I'm dyslexic. But I keep thinking of this blog and getting back into writing. I actually enjoy it and my soul loves it.

I've learned I'm really good at putting a label or a limit on myself and believe it whole heartedly. Such as, I have dyslexia so I can't possibly be a writer, or when my coach gives me a goal I think there is no way I can do that. I allow myself to get in my own way. I know this and yet I still allow it.

I keep thinking that I can't do something, like eating a certain way, but then I do it. All the while I keep thinking I can't do it. I know how to eat, what to eat, when to eat AND that's what I'm doing. I have more energy, I'm physically stronger and starting to loose weight (again). I'm doing it. Seriously. I am. So why can't I just sit back and allow the process to happen? Why must I fight it? Doubt it? Have no faith in it?

If my coach sets a goal, like a time he wants me to beat, I hear that number and then think "there's no way". Most times I'm right (because I allow that to be right), sometimes I'm not. Like on Thursday. Coach gave me a time he thought would be tough to beat, and I beat it by 20 seconds. And I know that I could do it faster. I felt very empowered. I wanted to prove I could do it.

I realized the other day that if I had been eating healthy for the last 3 months I would have lost A LOT more body fat then I have. I woke up this morning and let that thought sink in some. I ate well for breakfast (Herbalife shake and tablets) and then jacked it all up after church.

You're prolly thinking "so what, you had one bad meal." Well, yes I had one bad meal (and it wasn't all THAT bad, but it wasn't great either) but then that leads into other bad eating. I came home and had several pieces of banana bread made from white flour, not paleo style. It was delicious, but my tummy is now upset from breakfast AND the "snack" after. I'm physically ill.

I have done this for the last 5 days. I eat my healthy Herbalife shake for breakfast and then all hell breaks loose after that. I vowed to myself this morning that I would be really good today, but then didn't. I get so frustrated with myself for not having the self discipline to do what I need to do.

The pastor in church today (he was a guest speaker and I forgot his name...) talked about Trusting God. Not only do I have to put my trust in God that A) this is the right thing for me, but B) it's the right thing to do. I have to have faith in the system (of eating and exercising) that it will work. Actually, I know it does. I've proven it to myself over and over and over.

So, here goes. I put all my negative feelings and thoughts into an imaginary yellow balloon then let it go. I my mind I filled that balloon with all of the bad things I think, feel, allow and then let it go. I watched it float all the way up to the clouds. (No I'm no crazy, I am a very visual person.) I'm going to give myself over to the process whole heartily and trust it will work. Do I have to be 100% perfect in my eating 100% of the time? No, probably not. But, I am a food addict and I know there will be slip ups, but one here or there isn't going to cause me to fail. I'm still learning that balance of when and how much I can eat that isn't on the plan.

I'm trying. I'm not giving up. Right now, it's literally one day at a time. I have to plan some for my upcoming vacation, but other then that. One meal and one day at a time.

I can do this.

I will succeed.

~And so we go

Back to basics...

Ok, so it's time to get back on the horse and get back to basics. I have allowed so much in my life to get out of control. My eating habits, my workout habits, and just the basic rhythm of my life. I have put on about 25 pounds since Christmas.

I am going to get control of my eating. I am. For real. I'm serious.

Here is what I am going to start doing tomorrow. Even though it's a Tuesday.

1. Log every damn thing I put into my mouth. E V E R Y T H I N G.
2. Measurements. Getting back to taking measurements every month.
3. Paleo. My body likes Paelo. It responds well to Paleo. I have done it and I can do it again. I got lazy and it's time to stop.
4. Add Herbalife in there.
5. Blog. Yep, I miss it and love sharing my thoughts a feelings. It's very similar to therapy for me.

Buckle up! It's about to get real in here!!!

~And so we go

More fear...

Ok, so in my last post I talked about Fear. How it can steal your potential. I have been doing a lot of thinking about that the last few days.

I kept coming back to what am I REALLY afraid of when I get to my fitness goal. I think I figured it out. What if my best isn't good enough? What if I get to my goal and I'm not happy? Will I ever look at myself and say "Yep, you look great"? I'm scared that when I get to my goal it won't be good enough.

I the last time I was a size 10 I was 18 years old and thought I was fat (silly girl). So that isn't a frame of reference for me. I was an athlete and was in shape, but not muscular like I want to be now.

I have a recurring fear of not being good enough. A good enough mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter, etc. At least when I was working my yearly reviews let me know if I was good at my job. I don't have those any more. How does someone know you are a good enough mom? I had a really hard time answering that question for a couple of years after I had my daughter. I kinda still do, but I've learned how to deal with that.

So, how does one know they are good enough when there isn't a point of reference? Yeah, I don't know either, I guess I'll find out when I get there.

~ And so we go...

Life Inerrupted

As you know by now, I have been dealing with (battling, coping, living with, etc) depression for over 15 years now. For the most part I have a good handle on it now. For the most part. I have more good days then bad. I (for the most part) have come to terms with the fact I will have this for the rest of my life. It's part of who I am now.

I was sitting in church today and the pastor was talking about fear. What causes it, how we deal when it happens and how we get through it. He said something to the effect of "Fear is paralyzing. It can steal your potential. It can steal your joy."

Oh, man did that ring true! I know my eating is out of control again (my jeans told me this morning when I put them on) and I'm not spending as much time at the gym as I should be. In other words, I've been slacking off. I have mentioned being overwhelmed with success on my FaceBook page and people were pretty supportive. Here's the thing, I know I can be really great at CrossFit. I know it in my bones, but I'm allowing the fear to hold me back. Why? Why am I afraid of success? Why am I afraid of pushing myself? It's being healthy and in shape suppose to be a good thing? Isn't this what I wanted?

My answer to all is: I don't know. I am intentionally holding myself back. Intentionally eating junk food and not giving my body the correct fuel. Intentionally not pushing myself as hard as I can in workouts. What would I loose if I was successful in my weight loss? Actually I have the answer but it involves people who I'm not willing to discuss here, so I can't answer it publicly. Sorry.

Why did I start going to CrossFit? It's pretty hard core and intimidating as hell. I was nervous every time I went in there for over a month. I found CrossFit about 2.5 years before I joined. I bookmarked the web page and I'd visit every once in a while to convince myself it where I needed to be. In the mean time I was going to 24 Hour Fitness every so often and trying a class, tried to use the machines and saw no results. (Which ended up in me eating more... not real helpful.) Then one day (a Sunday I think) I decided to email the owner/head coach (Trainer Paul) that I was interested and what does his program do. He emailed be back within an hour and I had an appointment with him the next day. I brought the daughter to school the next morning and found the gym. I was SOOOOOOOO nervous when I walked in the door.

I found a gym with almost no machines (my comfort zone) and it was all class based. After talking to Paul for about 30 minutes (he explained how the gym worked and all that jazz) I took the leap off the deep end diving board and signed up. I have my very first workout on Wednesday. Here's what happened on that first workout. You know, one of my first posts here. :)

So, back to the fear thing. I was completely afraid when I sent that email to Trainer Paul, when I agreed to meet with him, when I signed up, and beyond afraid when I walked in for my first workout. But I didn't let that fear stand in my way. Ok, so really I did for over 2 years while I checked out the web page every once in a while. But then I had 20 seconds of insane courage and something amazing happened.

I have allowed my life to be interrupted two major times. Once when the depression hit (I talked about it here) and just recently when I gave up on myself. My potential gone. My joy lost. I have been feeling emotionally unbalanced for a while now, and I really don't want to take medications again. I never found one that works for me and all had bad side effects. I know I can find my potential and joy again. I have found it before, but then it was lost again. I guess it's time to figure things out and find it again.

So, maybe I need another 20 seconds of insane courage and do something. Sign up for something, what? I have no idea. I need a goal. My last 2 big goals got yanked out from under me because of an injury, so now what? I'll find something and I'll let you know when I do.

Homework time, I need to let go of my fear of success and get back to eating Paleo. I can do this.

~And so we go

It's Time

Well, it's been forever since I posted again. Life just gets in the way sometimes!

My eating:

I suck at making the right choice. I KNOW what to do, but I choose not to do it. I always come up with some excuse and justify it to myself. I think that is my biggest frustration with myself. I have taken the time to educate myself, I have taken that education and applied successfully in my life.

Sooooooo why can't I keep going?

Well, I'm tired of working so hard in the gym and not seeing the results on my body. I can tell I'm gaining muscle but my clothes need to be getting too big at the same time, but are not. I'm not losing fat like I should be and it's because of my eating. It's time for my belly to go. It's time for my arms to look better. It's time for some smaller clothes. It's just time.

Yep, I'm going to have days that are better than others. Yep, I'm going to have to work hard. Every day. Every choice I make about food has to be thought out. Planned. Thought about. EVERY. CHOICE. Not just one meal every so often, but EVERY piece of food that goes in my mouth has to be accounted for.

I have been loging my food for months now, but it's time to get real. I have to log ALL my food, not just most of it. Even that little bite of cake. Or that cookie. ALL. OF. IT.

I HAVE to workout at least 5 times a week. My daughter is going off track after this week, so she'll be home for 7 weeks. She's going to get tired of the gym. Too bad. Mom has to workout. :)

I'm going to have to sacrifice food I want to eat (and shouldn't) for food that my body needs. It needs fuel, not junk. If it can go bad, it's good for you. Twinkies, not so much.

I started Herbalife about a month ago. I have lost 1.5 inches off my waist within 2 weeks with it. But I wasn't eating healthy when I should have been. I am drinking 2 shakes a day and eating one meal. I love it! My body loves all the protean. I am also taking supplements and trying to get all the good things my body needs to live a long happy life.

I love and believe in Herbalife so much I'm going to start selling it! I don't have a clue what I'm doing yet, but I'll get there. I want to help people get to where they need to be. It's not a temporary choice, it's a lifelong commitment. TRUST me when I say; If I can do it, so can you.

My weight:

I have been stuck at this weight for about 6 months now. I know what I'm doing wrong and it's time to fix it. I'm tired of the scale moving just a little down and then going right back up. I so desperately want to be below 200 lbs. It's time to make that goal and then some.

It's time to be able to shop any place I want. To only have to look for tall clothes, not tall and fat clothes. It's time for me to feel comfortable in my body. To stop second guessing every clothing choice.

I guess what I'm saying about everything is it's time. Time to get control of everything again. Time to fuel my body and not feed it junk and expect to perform.

 

 

~And so we go

 

Annoyed

Ok so I've talked before (several times I think) about how I get in my own way. How I self sabotage. How I struggle every day. Every. Day.

So is it a decision I'm making daily to struggle? Why do I feel the need to make this journey a struggle? Is the struggle necessary? Can I just stop? Have I changed my food addiction for a struggle addiction?

Could it be so easy to just decide to stop and it will happen? Dare I hope?

I found this tattoo on Pinterest and fell in love with it. "without struggle there is no progress." is that true? Do I HAVE to go through the struggle to make progress? Can't I just decide that I want to make progress and just do it?

Ok, so, I'm pretty tired today. I mean, really tired. I feel like it was finals week in collage.

 This is what my workout schedule looked like this week:
Monday: 9:30am
Tuesday: Off (I help out in Cassie's class in the morning)
Wednesday: 5am and yoga at 8:30pm
Thursday: 9:30am
Friday: 5am

My first thoughts are HOLY SHIT too. And then I think, "There is gymnastics workout on Sunday, I wonder if I can do that too." So right now I'm resting on Saturday, Sunday and Tuesday. I need to find something to do on one of those days. I think gymnastics on Sunday is the ticket.

I really struggled through this mornings workout. I'm not going to lie. Totally half assed it. I allowed my mental thoughts of being tired rule over my body. I THOUGHT I was tired so my body said "Yep, you're way too tired to do anything" and I said "ok" and didn't go nearly as hard as I know I can do.

I even said "I could have done better" as soon as time was up. ugh!

Another thing about me: I love quotes. LOVE them.

Here is one that is totally applicable to today:

"Wether you think you can or can't, you're right."

Although I am tired beyond belief, I have seen some great results. I weighted myself and I'm at 202lbs!!! I'm almost below the 200's!!! Don't forget I was 265lbs at my heaviest, and I haven't been below 200 since 1996!!! CRAZY!!

I'm excited to be able to shop in any store and not have to go to the Women's section. To have my only problem when trying to find clothes be that I'm tall (not as much of an issue as it used to be). To find jeans that make my ass look good.

I discovered that my calves have great definition! I was shaving and I flexed my legs (seriously I flex everything when I can) and HOLY SMOKES they are some great looking calves. Just need to work my way up the rest of my body. :)

I'm excited for the eating right and goal setting seminar at the gym tomorrow. It will be interesting to see what happeneds in the next couple of weeks!

Paleo

Here's the Paleo way of eating in a nutshell.

Basically, if the caveman can find it, you can eat it. If it goes through some sort of process after it's grown, then it's on the No Eat list. Bread, pasta, sweets, flour (any flour whole wheat or not), and refined sugar are among the many on the list.

Here is another good list of what I eat and what I don't:

It wasn't that hard to change over as I thought it would be. The hardest part was having the treats and snacks in the house for my daughter and not being able to enjoy them. Now I get physically ill if I eat something overly processed. You know, like Cheese-its. :)

I have had so many benefits in my body and how my body works to ever change how I eat.

1. Zits. I don't get zits anymore. I have been eating strictly Paleo for 7 weeks now, and my skin cleared up within 10 days and has been clear ever since. Not only has my skin cleared up, but my pores look smaller too!

2. Farting. I almost never fart anymore. And when I do, no one dies. ;) This is because most processed food turns to sugar in your digestive track. It's the sugar that creates gas and the only way to get rid of it is to fart.

3. Pooping. (I went there with farting, may as well keep going) I don't have much personal waste anymore. I eat clean foods so my body actually uses it as fuel and has very little byproduct from that fuel. And as with the farting, I don't have to use a ton of air fresheners after I'm done.

4. I feel hungry again. Eating all those simple carbs in the overly processed food for some reason made my body think it wasn't hungry. I could eat once a day and never feel hunger. It's was really weird and I didn't like it at all. I like to know what my body wants and to not have to guess.

5. Craving. I did have some pretty serious craving the first couple of weeks into this. I had to get creative for awhile when all I wanted was sugar. (I ate more fruit then I should have, but fruit is better then cake. I have since cut way down on the fruit.) Things sound good, like the bread basket before dinner, but I don't NEED it. I make very flavorful food. I change the flavors as much as possible so I don't get bored. I also vary the meats I eat, so I don't get stuck in a chicken rut (or something like that).

What do I miss most? Mexican. Think about what is on the menu at a Mexican restaurant. Beans, chips, rice, tortilla, cheese. Don't eat any of those. I do get fajitas and then eat just the meat and veggies. Well, it would be nice to have dessert every once in awhile that isn't a bowl of berries.  But that goes back to craving sugar and I don't crave that anymore.

Anyway, that's all I have right now on eating Paleo. :)

~And so we go.

Things I've learned...

Now that it's been MONTHS since I last blogged, I thought I'd log in and leave something. :)

Here is a list of things I've learned about weight loss, myself, and life in general since starting my weight loss journey a year ago. (Yes a WHOLE year ago!)

1. You most likely won't see the changes in your body as fast as someone who doesn't see you everyday. Let's face it, you look at yourself every day. You can see some of the big changes but probably not the little ones. Give yourself a break.

2. Take measurements! I mean it! It's so rewarding to pull out my little book as see that I've lost SEVEN INCHES off my waist. I would never have known the amount of feet I've lost all over my body if I didn't start measuring.

3. Eat correctly! Eat as clean as you can. A good rule to live by is, If it goes bad then it's good for you. Have you seen those photo's of McDonald's food that has been sitting out for YEARS? Yeah, that food doesn't go bad. I eat a Paleo style diet. Everything I eat will go bad sooner then later. Meat and veggies are the mainstay of my diet. I don't eat anything that has been processed in anyway. Bread, pasta, fast food, soda (this was hard to give up, but worth it in the end), doughnuts, cake, candy and just about anything you think is super yummy. My body doesn't like any of those things anymore. It makes my stomach very upset. Not worth it.

4. Work your ass off in the gym and your ass will get smaller. As most of you know, I do CrossFit. I have for the last year. I have never once left the gym looking nice, put together or anything other then sweaty and a hot mess. I also go to 24 Hour Fitness and I always see people on some machine or another reading a book, not even breathing heavy, let alone breaking a sweat. You should have a towel because you have to wipe the liquid awesome (sweat) off your face, not because you need something to sit on.

5. Stick with it. You are worth eating the right foods. You are worth the time it takes to work out. Everyone has bad days. Bad weeks. We all have stressful lives. Someone who depends on us. Put yourself on the top of the fucking list and keep it there.

If you do these things, you will see changes. I promise. This has worked for me. My eating style works for me. It may not for you. Find the one that does. Drink more water then you ever have in your life. Yes, you will pee a lot more, but your body will thank you.

I'm finally past the half way point in my weight loss journey (yay!) but I still have a long way to go. I hear the last few pounds are the hardest. It's time to buckle up and do what needs to be done.

~And so we go.

Labels

Ok, so I have been struggling with coming to terms with my weight loss. it has taken me several months of self analyzing as to what is going on emotionally with me. Talk about a lot of work! :)

Here is what I came up with; I am having a hard time with several labels. I have put some of them on myself and other people are also putting them on me. Words like: inspiration, role model,  amazing, beautiful, successful. I have never thought of my self as an inspiration or role model. These are labels I would never give myself. I guess that's why I am having such a hard time accepting them.

In my mind I am working out and eating right because it's what a normal responsible person does. I didn't go into this journey hoping to be someones inspiration or role model. I have always wanted labels like; mother, self sufficient, reliable, independent.

It's not that I don't want people to tell me I'm an inspiration to them, I just don't know how to react. How to you respond to "You're such a role model" or "You're such a inspiration". I just say thanks and smile. I am honored that people see me this way. If you feel this way, I don't want you to not say these things, I just need to figure out how to receive them.

I understand that these coments come from a place of love. Please don't edit what you say to me, I don't want that. I am learning how to accapt your encuragement it will take me some time.

I think this "learning how to receive" is what has been slowing my weight loss down. Why I have failed at making the perminate change over to a Paleo eating habits. It's a lot to take in and learn. Please be patient with me.

And so we go...

Struggle

I struggled for years with liking myself, depression, eating, gaining weight, being lazy. So now, after thinking I have all that under control I realize I never did. I started working out, eating better, even saying nice things to myself (and no putting myself down anymore). I have lost 50 pounds in 6 months. I know how to loose weight, so why have I given myself permission to stop?

As you know I have had a hard time "coming to terms" with my weight loss. I'm still at a loss as to why. I struggled for so long while putting it on, so why do I have to struggle while taking it off???

Maybe because I have lost a lot of weight so quickly? It is pretty shocking if you think about it. 50 pounds in 6 months. 8.3 pounds a month. An average of 0.25 pounds a day. Clearly my body wants to get rid of the weight. I know I am doing it the correct way. So why do I give myself permission to eat nothing but crap?

All that results from eating crap is I feel like shit and I gain weight again. My body clearly doesn't like it. I know this, but it still doesn't stop me from eating McDonalds, oreo cookies (by the handfull), or any of the other junk I have shoved into my mouth in the last week.

Is what I'm going though normal? Do most people have to stuggle this much?

It's exausting. I'm tire of struggling. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of combining my self worth with my eating.

Self Doubt Sucks...

So does knowing I disappointed Coach Paul. Disappointing anyone is really hard for me to deal with. It always has. If you want to see me crumble, just tell me you're disappointed in me. No he didn't say he was, but I know he knew I could have done better.

I SHOULD have been able to do the workout he put up on the board today. Should have. I have a mile long list of excuses as to why I couldn't. I'm good at that. Making excuses. (Who isn't really?) It was set up as a endurance WOD, so the weight was light, but I still allowed myself get in my own way.  When I first started this journey I was physically in my own way, now I'm mentally/emotionally in my own way.

Why? Why do I have to struggle so much? Why can't I just go balls to the walls and get the work done as fast as possible? What am I afraid of?Yes my muscles are going to be tired, yes it probably will hurt, yes I'll probably be tired. But all those things are temporary. I SHOULD be able to do more work faster then I have been.
 I have a good idea what my fear is about. I think it's about being fearful of success. Crazy I know. When I think of what I'll look like in another 40(ish) pounds, it kinda freaks me out. I am having a hard time visualizing what I'll look like. Plus, who looses 40 pounds in 5 months? How many people or able to get half way to their goal so quickly? I never dreamed (or even thought) I could get there so quickly.



It might also go along with my feelings on self worth. My other trainer (Coach Shawna) asked me yesterday why I was having problems with being successful, and my answer was "I never thought I could do it." That's the simple answer. The other simple answer? No self worth. Once I gained the weight I never felt worthy of feeling good about myself. Why should I feel good when I weighed 260 pounds? Why should I like myself? Why should I be happy? I didn't do anything to deserve any of the positive things that any "normal" person had. But now, now I'm working hard, eating right and loosing weight and I still feel like I don't deserve any of those things.

I feel so much better without the 40 pounds I've lost. I can physically do more things then I could before. I am much happier. I don't put myself down nearly as much as I used to. For the first time in A LONG time I actually feel like I'm not going to die young. I feel like I will live a normal length.

I think it also scares me that I can loose 80 pounds in less then a year. That's just crazy!!! I'm not on The Biggest Looser. I haven't had any surgery or anything. What person do you see all the time does this? On the other side of being successful quickly is: What the hell was I doing to myself? This tells me that I am more athletic then I ever thought I was, but I was hurting myself before by not working out/eating right/etc. Yes I was good at sports when I was younger, but that was MANY moons ago.

So with all of those positive things going for me, why am I having such a hard time accepting success? Is that what I'm having a problem with or is it something else? I don't know. I think it might be time to find a shrink to help me get over this.

I guess another part of it is I have never worked so hard for anything before. I have always taken the easy way out. Growing up I played a lot of sport. In soccer I wanted to be the goalie so I wouldn't have to run around so much (less work for me). Then when I was goalie I wouldn't dive for the ball because I was afraid of hurting myself. I was pretty good at softball, but that came naturally. I didn't really need to try hard.  I tried cross country but was never a top finished, plus it was A LOT of running (LOL) so I didn't do that again. I did swim team in high school (all 4 years), but again was always middle of the pack, so I didn't really pursue it outside of the school team.

So taking the easy road is normal for me. It's easy to go slow. It's easy to grab a lighter kettle bell. It's easier to say I worked as hard as I couldn't while not really breathing hard and know deep down I really didn't. I have been telling people that I'm slow but I get the work done. That's not good enough anymore. I want to be able to walk out of the gym and barely be able to move. That's how I know I did good enough.

I'm not used to pushing myself this hard. It's new and weird. I'm not sure I like it, but I know I need to do it. I know that if I don't push myself, no one else will. I know I won't be able to reach my goal in anything I do, not just my weight.

I choose to workout at CrossFit because it scared the crap out of me. It took me more then a month to not get nervous while driving to the gym. Now, I don't know how to workout at a normal gym. I love the place. The people are amazing. Every work out is different. I'm never bored.

Thanks for "listening". I think I just needed to lay it all out there and see what it looks like. I am still in my own way, but I guess it's a work in progress. If you have ANY thoughts, ideas, suggestions. ANYTHING please post or email it to me. If you are reading this then you are part of my life somehow, so please don't hesitate to share. (I clearly don't! LOL)

And so we go...

It's been a loooooooong time...

Holy Smokes! I haven't blogged since July??? How'd that happen? Huh, I guess time does fly.

So I'm still in the Paleo challenge that was started back in July. Crazy huh? Well, it's down to one other guy and me so they decided to extend it as a tie breaker. I really want to win the $300 so I can get some new clothes!

I have lost a total of 40 pounds so far! I am down 3 pants sizes (now a 16 was a 22) and I am typically a Large (used to be a XXLarge). YAY! Progress!

I have started to eat a Paleo type diet. I hate to call it a diet, because I always associate that word with something temporary. I plan to eat this way, for the most part, for the rest of my life. My body has responded really well to it, so why not? Within the first 18 days of eating Paleo, I lost 2 inches from around my belly. 2 FULL INCHES! It just blows my mind!

I had to give up A LOT of the foods that I love, but I feel better, my skin is better, my digestive system is WAY better. So, it's totally worth it.

So after having some great results with the working out and eating, I have slipped back into a bad eating habits. I have been hovering at my current weight for about a month now. I know it's because I am not as strict on my diet. A large part of that reason is mental.

I think I freaked myself out by being so successful so quickly. I'm still pretty overwhelmed by it. 40 pounds is very noticeable, on anyone. I get lots of comments from everyone I know. I think that's part of my mental issue. How do I accept the compliments and still feel good about myself? (OMG that is just about the dumbest question I have ever asked.) It's really hard to accept the change in my appearance in my head. I'm so used to be ashamed by how I look, it's all new territory to feel good.

I think part of my problem is that I gave myself permission to eat one or two little things, and it's turned into I can eat what ever I want. Yes, there will be times where I can eat anything, but not all the time. I am trying really hard this week to get out of my addiction to sugar. Major problem right now. I think once I get through this part of the detox I'll be in a lot better place mentally. I hope.

At the end of the day I am half way to my goal weight. My goal is to be at my goal weight by my brother's wedding in August. 293 days away. I can do it. I know I can. I just need to get back on track and commit to eating the way my body wants me to eat. I hope to loose another 10 pounds by Thanksgiving. That is my short term goal right now.

And so we go...

It's been 3 weeks...

It's been 3 weeks since my last post. Not sure why the delay, but I do know I have been pretty busy and so this was put on the back burner. I have lots of good news!

I have lost 10lbs! (finally!) YIPEEE! I know that the scale hasn't really moved because I am adding muscle while loosing fat, but it sure is nice to see the scale move. I still weigh myself daily, and I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. I'm kinda obsessed. So I'm now down 15 lbs total since January.

I feel better. I can walk up the stairs and not breath heavy at the top. I can sit and cross my legs! I know that sounds like no big deal, but I haven't been able to do that (comfortable) for over 2 years. It was raining today so I put on a pair of my jeans (fresh from the wash) and they are too big! At least around the waist. They are snug on my thighs, but I'm pretty sure that's because they are all muscle now. Ok, mostly muscle. :)

The gym is have a "Turn Mush into Muscle" contest. Basically eat any diet you want, and take a picture at the beginning of the 6 week contest, and then one at the end of the contest and who has the best change wins. It's a $20 buy in and the winner gets the whole pot. I'm doing Weight Watchers because it's easy and not too big of a change from my normal diet. I have cut out a lot of eating out, but not all of it. I am not going to do drive thru but a lunch here or there is ok.

Here are my week 1 photo's:

I know, flattering! lol I look a LOT better then when I started CrossFit.

I have also been running on the weekends. I like to do 4 miles because it takes a little under an hour. Plus I can actually do it. :) Yesterday's run was great because I'm pretty sure I could have done all 4 miles non stop. The husband and daughter go with and I have been voted to push the daughter's stroller. I'm not a fan. I don't like how I have to struggle to keep the stroller where I want it to go. Plus it changes my speed and stride. Like I said not a fan.

I will be taking more measurements on Monday. I took some prelim ones on Saturday, and let's say they are not what I expected.

and so we go...

Measurements!

I took another set of measurements on Monday. The scale still isn't moving, but the measuring tape is!

                                      June 2nd:                     July 4th:                     Difference:
Neck:                               16.5"                          15.25                        - .75"
Right Bicep:                     15"                             14"                           - 1"
Left Bicep:                      14.25"                         14"                           - .25"
Bust:                                47"                              44.5"                        - 2.5"
Bellybutton:                      46.75"                        45.5"                         - 1.25"
Right Thigh:                      27.5"                          26.75                        - .75"
Left Thigh:                        28"                             27"                            - 1"

WHOO HOOO!!!

So this was one month apart. I started about 3 weeks before the first set of measurements, so I'm sure they would be more if I had.

On Monday July 4th the gym was closed. A game of Ultimate Frisbee was set up and I decided to go. WHAT A BLAST! I had a great time! I was able to meet a bunch of other Cross Fitters who go to classes.

The only problem is on my first attempt to catch the Frisbee, I landed and rolled my ankle. It hurt for a few steps, but then the pain went away. For a little while anyway. Just after lunch it started to really hurt. Yep, I sprained it.

I had to miss workout on Wednesday because it was still pretty swollen and painful. After much icing and staying off it I was able to make it to Fridays workout. I wasn't 100% but I had a great workout.

We worked on back squats. we worked up to one squat max. I got up to 133 pounds! After that I had to do some rowing and weighted sit ups. Not so much fun, and I didn't go as fast as Trainer Paul though I should. But then again, he never does. :)

Until next week!

And so we go!
Me

6 weeks and counting

So, I started this CrossFit journey a little over 6 weeks ago. I think I will always want the progress to be faster, but I have been making progress. I can tell my lungs are stronger. My breathing has become more controlled as apposed to me sucking air as fast as I possibly can the entire time. I can walk up our stairs and not have to catch my breath at the top. I can tell my legs and arms are stronger. I am able to hold my daughter longer (she weighs about 40 lbs right now). I'm pretty sure my belly is smaller. When I look down all I see are boobs, no belly anymore. (yay!) The best part is I feel better overall. (double yay!)

As I put in this post the scale hasn't really moved much, but my measurements are moving. I will take an "official" set of measurements on Monday, so look for that update next week. The scale seemed to start moving a little this week, so that's nice to see too.

I wasn't able to get a photo of Mondays workout, Trainer Paul was too efficient in his cleaning that day.

Here's the Warm-up for the week:

Here's Wednesdays workout:



Wednesday was hard. It shouldn't have been, but I went to the gym on my own on Tuesday and I think I over did it. Plus I haven't been eating a good breakfast this week and I can really tell. Need to change that...

And here's Fridays workout:

Here is a front squat video so you know what that looks like. I got up to 95 pounds for 3 reps.
Here is a back squat video and now you know what that looks like. I got up to 120 pounds for 3 reps.

I went and got some new workout clothes this week too. I figured that I am spending all this time there I may as well have clothes that don't get in my way. I needed something that wasn't so baggy and hot. I got a bunch of tank tops and capri pants. I'm not quite ready for shorts yet. :) It was nice to not have to tuck my shirt into my pants so I didn't flash everyone, but I missed having something to wipe the sweat off my face. Guess I need to bring a towel with me for now on. I have really liked wearing tank tops and clothes that are a little tighter.

I'm going to try and get to a class workout tomorrow, not sure how my legs will feel. They are pretty tired today with all those weighted squats and then we spent the afternoon at Disneyland.

And so we go,
Me

Seeing Progress!

Ok, so a couple of things. I decided to update this about once a week, instead of 3 times a week. I thought it would make us all a little more sane.

The good news first! I took my measurements on June 2nd. I started Crossift on May 11th, so almost a month later is when I took measurements. oops! I think I didn't want to see the numbers and have to admit to myself (and the world) just how big they were. BUT ANYWAY, I did take my measurements about a month later. I just took them again on June 22nd and EVERYTHING is a half inch smaller! Each thigh, waist, hips, breast area, each bicep and my neck. I know, I know a half inch isn't much, but hell I'll take it. Especially since it was only 3 weeks after my first measurements.

YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I did a little happy dance after I got over my shock. I had been complaining to Trainer Paul about how the scale hasn't hardly moved (only 3lbs) and he asked me about my heating habits. I said that I was eating better but not perfect. He gave me "the look" on that answer and asked if I had taken any measurements. I said I was going to when I got home. I'm SO glad I took the original set at the beginning of the month!

I guess if I have some good news I have to share some bad news too... The only bad news I can think of is I forgot to take a picture of my workout on Monday. I can't even remember what it was... oops. But here is the rest of the week:

This is the warm up. We do this set warm up all week and it gets changed every week. It's nice to know at least part of the workout ahead of time. We had to do that 5 times, not 3.

Here is Wednesday's workout:

SMBX = Super Man Back Extensions

So lay on your belly with your arms out like Superman. Now lift everything off the ground but your belly. Kinda like a backward sit up.

I had to do a 20meter bear crawl, then 25 reach through and then 25 crunches is one set. I had to do as many sets as I could in 20 min. Trainer Paul wanted 6 sets, I ALMOST did 8. I think i went over by about 20 seconds. He let me count the last set though. :)

AMRAP = As Many Reps As Possible

So Fridays are called Bench Mark Fridays. You pick a workout and try and beat the best time on the board. Trainer Paul picks mine and this week it was the 5k row. Yes. 5,000 meters. 3.11 miles. 3.11 MILES! I didn't take the time to think about it that way, so I picked out a rower, Paul set the distance, and off I went.

About a 1,000 meters in I wasn't so impressed with his decision. Trainer Paul wanted me to do no slower than a 2 min 30 sec per 500meter pace. For the most part I did better than that, but then the last 1,000 meters came. I was tired. I paused a few times up till then but tried to keep it to a minimum.

Right around the half way mark some nut job walked by smoking a joint. Paul then called the cops, which is what I would have done too. So he's on the phone and I get down to about 1,800 metres left. I yell at him to get it going. Around 1,000 meters I yell at him again to get his butt over and help me. He's still on the phone with 911 and I'm dying. He tells me I need to do the fasted 1,000 meters I have ever done. I snorted and keep on going.

As I get to 500 meters I start getting really tired. My neck is cramping, my back is cramping, my legs are tied, my hands are all sweaty, I'm dripping sweat off my head, I'm grunting with each pull. (I'm sure the 911 operator was wondering what the hell was going on in the background, but I didn't care.) I'm trying to give it my all to beat the goal of less than 24 minutes. I ended up at 24 min 5 sec. SO CLOSE! I think one or two less pauses and I would have had it.

I didn't make Trainer Paul's goal of less than 24 minutes, BUT I did make it on the board!!!

That's right! 3rd best woman in THE WHOLE GYM!

After a rest Trainer Paul wanted me to do some Olympic weight lifting. My arms, hands, and legs were pretty shaky so we didn't do it in the end. I kinda wish I had done something. I guess that means I get to do something this evening. :)

So, that was my week. Lot's of positive things this week! I hope next week brings more good new things!

And so we go.

Me

Tired...

let me start of by saying, doing CrossFit 2 days in a row KICKED MY BUTT. I have moved as quickly as a slug today!. I am pretty sore too. I will fit something in on Saturday, not sure what or when, but it'll happen.

So here is yesterday's workout:

I was really tired from my daughter getting up super early and I was an emotional wreck over a personal issue. Needless to say, my brain wasn't at the gym even though my body was.

Doing the body builders was very hard. It started out at 75, then before I started he lowered it to 65, then as I was going along and my time was getting worse and worse, he lowered it to 50. I worked hard for those 50, but I wish I would have been able to do more. Calories burned: 463

Here is another weird thing, I have never sweat so much in my life. I thought it was a fluke, but today was just as bad. I wonder why. Why after about 12 workouts am I sweating like a pig about to be butchered?

I went back today (Thursday) beause Trainer Paul is going to Crossfit Regionals for the next three days. I've seen the videos, they are hard core man! Good luck to Trainer Paul!

Here is today's workout:
After warmup I had to push a big ass tractor tired around the outside of the building. One lap was 500 meteres, I got to do 2 laps. I was able to get it going pretty good on the straight parts, but I have no clue how to get it around the corners. It was kinda fun, in a way, I liked pretending it was a big Price is Right wheel and I was spining it to get on the Showcase Showdown. I did each lap at 6min 12seconds. (the frist time in the photo below). At least I was consistent.

After the warm up and tire push I then had to do 1min of crunchs and 1min of flutter kicks without stopping or putting my feet down for 3 rounds. EEEK! My abs are rather sore from that. I forgot to keep count becuase I was too busy trying to survive it!

After the warm up, tire push, crunches/flutter kicks came the workout. Yeah. Haven't started the workout yet. Today I got to play with kettle bells! I was a little excited until Trainer Paul told me to get a 35 pound one! Yikes! With the kettle bell was box jumps. When I did box jumps the last time I used a 12" box. I told him that I was able to do them but they were kinda easy. WRONG THING TO SAY! (hahaha) So he busted out the 16" box. let me tell you, that 4" makes a difference. My abs were already sore, and I was reminded every time I jumped.

Here is what the work out was:
21/15/9
I had to do 21 kettle bell swings and 21 box jumps, then 15 kettle bells and 15 box jumps, then 9 of each. I did that in 11 min 52 sec (the 2nd time in the photo above).

Trainer Paul thought I should have been able to do it in 10 min or less. I started off ok, but then I let my brain get in my way. I thought in my head the kettle bell was too heavy and so it was. I thought the box was too high and so it was. I never fell on the box or lost control of the bell, but it was quite a lot of mental issues going on there.

Plus I was sweating like a pig again! is that normal? I have no idea, I'll have to ask around. :)

Calories burned: 555

And so we go,
me

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

I think that line a lot when I work out. My goal for every workout used to be to just finish. Now I like to get a good time. I still get a little scared when I walk into workout because I have no idea what I'm going to be doing. I guess I'm not all that into surprises. Who knew?!?!

Here is Friday's workout:

My first round was 6:30, my second was 6, and my third was 6:38. Not too bad! (assuming I did my math correctly...)

Calories burned: 467

Here is today's workout:

So, the first half was to do 100 jumping pull ups as fast as I can. BUT at every minute mark I had to stop and do 5 squats. THEN I had to run 400 meters forward and then run 400 meters backwards, twice. Running backwards is HARD! It really works your legs in a different way than you are used to. Try it, you'll see.

Burned 460 calories.

I did better on my eating today but then I totally jacked it up at dinner. I really want to see the scale move. Just a little. Preferably down. I think it will soon. Or at least I hope it will. All I can do is make better decisions every time I eat something.

And so we go
Me

Time for weights!

Trainer Paul asked how sore I was today and I told him my thighs and abs are sore (you know, from this workout) so we got to play with some weights today.

Here is a quick video of the three lifts I did.

I started out with just the bar. Sounds easy, right? The bar it's self is 45 pounds. So the shoulder press was easy compared to the Push Press and the Push Jerk. Each one I did correctly he then added weight and went onto the next one.

By the time I was done I did a 100 pound Push Jerk. Whoo hoo!!! It took me several trys but I worked through over thinking it and finally got it. Trainer Paul was rating each one on a scale of 1 - 10. My last one (the 100lbs one) was a 9. I started at a 3. He wanted it a little cleaner but hells bells I had to fight to get that 100lbs up!

He had to tape my wrists about half way through the workout. I had no idea they could hurt so bad! Taping really helped the pain. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to do anything today because of sore wrists, but they feel good. (THANK GOD!) I'm pretty sure my soreness is mostly from Monday's workout, but that might change tomorrow!

I got gel's on my fingernails on Friday (I NEVER paint my nails, just my toes) it was fun to see my red hot nails holds that 100lbs bar! (hee hee) I liked the juxtaposed girlyness of my fingers and the weight bar. It made me giggle a little.

And so we go
~me

Oh, and PS I added a video to the dead lift post from Friday so you can see what I'm talking about.