Letting go...

So, after my last post I have done a lot of talking (thanks mom!) about my trigger and A LOT of internal dialog. I have learned that I have allowed that moment in time rule my life. To control all my decisions. All of them! From what I eat to what I think of myself.

I have been so mean lately. Saying (ok yelling) not nice things at the hubby and at my daughter. After realizing all the behavioral issues I have been having with my daughter are directly related to how mean I have been to her. Poor thing. How could she understand that it wasn't  her fault. I wasn't actually angry with her but at some woman she has never met (and I haven't seen 16 years!).

Once I realized this, I changed. I do still yell, but it's not a (multiple) daily thing anymore. I have replaced that with positive reinforcement. She does something she's suppose to (asked or not) she gets a high five and I acknowledge that fact. She is a whole new kid and I am a whole new Mommy. She doesn't hit me (or her friends) any more, she smiles and laughs more, and is just happier all around.  (YAY!!!)

I have been doing a little internal personal discovery. I visualized a yellow balloon filled with helium. It even had a white string. I then attached all my negative thoughts, energy, and feelings to that white string. After I attached all of that "bad stuff" I let the balloon go. I watched it float up higher and higher until I couldn't "see" it anymore. I gave all that negative stuff back to where it came from. Boy do I feel SO much better! More human. More balanced. More normal.

I was watching Oprah the other day and this is what she said about forgiveness. "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." Once I chewed on that for a while I realize how true it is. I can't change the past. I can only move forward. (Another thing Mom and I talked about. Thanks Mom!) So, after imagining that yellow balloon, filling it with all that "bad stuff", and letting it go I am doing everything I can to be happy.

Now that I have announced how happy I am, why the hell is my eating out of control the last 2 weeks? Why can have a really great day (like Monday) where I was in an amazing mood/spirit and then eat like a cow? Why have I given myself permission to eat what I want when I want? UGH!

I have finally given myself permission to go to the gym with my daughter. It's not a bad thing to put her in the daycare area for an hour or two while I workout. She loves to make friends and the daycare area is a good time for her. It's a win win. Now I just need to fallow through with that...

Well, I guess that's all for now... thanks for reading. :)