So does knowing I disappointed Coach Paul. Disappointing anyone is really hard for me to deal with. It always has. If you want to see me crumble, just tell me you're disappointed in me. No he didn't say he was, but I know he knew I could have done better.
I SHOULD have been able to do the workout he put up on the board today. Should have. I have a mile long list of excuses as to why I couldn't. I'm good at that. Making excuses. (Who isn't really?) It was set up as a endurance WOD, so the weight was light, but I still allowed myself get in my own way. When I first started this journey I was physically in my own way, now I'm mentally/emotionally in my own way.
Why? Why do I have to struggle so much? Why can't I just go balls to the walls and get the work done as fast as possible? What am I afraid of?Yes my muscles are going to be tired, yes it probably will hurt, yes I'll probably be tired. But all those things are temporary. I SHOULD be able to do more work faster then I have been.
I have a good idea what my fear is about. I think it's about being fearful of success. Crazy I know. When I think of what I'll look like in another 40(ish) pounds, it kinda freaks me out. I am having a hard time visualizing what I'll look like. Plus, who looses 40 pounds in 5 months? How many people or able to get half way to their goal so quickly? I never dreamed (or even thought) I could get there so quickly.
It might also go along with my feelings on self worth. My other trainer (Coach Shawna) asked me yesterday why I was having problems with being successful, and my answer was "I never thought I could do it." That's the simple answer. The other simple answer? No self worth. Once I gained the weight I never felt worthy of feeling good about myself. Why should I feel good when I weighed 260 pounds? Why should I like myself? Why should I be happy? I didn't do anything to deserve any of the positive things that any "normal" person had. But now, now I'm working hard, eating right and loosing weight and I still feel like I don't deserve any of those things.
I feel so much better without the 40 pounds I've lost. I can physically do more things then I could before. I am much happier. I don't put myself down nearly as much as I used to. For the first time in A LONG time I actually feel like I'm not going to die young. I feel like I will live a normal length.
I think it also scares me that I can loose 80 pounds in less then a year. That's just crazy!!! I'm not on The Biggest Looser. I haven't had any surgery or anything. What person do you see all the time does this? On the other side of being successful quickly is: What the hell was I doing to myself? This tells me that I am more athletic then I ever thought I was, but I was hurting myself before by not working out/eating right/etc. Yes I was good at sports when I was younger, but that was MANY moons ago.
So with all of those positive things going for me, why am I having such a hard time accepting success? Is that what I'm having a problem with or is it something else? I don't know. I think it might be time to find a shrink to help me get over this.
I guess another part of it is I have never worked so hard for anything before. I have always taken the easy way out. Growing up I played a lot of sport. In soccer I wanted to be the goalie so I wouldn't have to run around so much (less work for me). Then when I was goalie I wouldn't dive for the ball because I was afraid of hurting myself. I was pretty good at softball, but that came naturally. I didn't really need to try hard. I tried cross country but was never a top finished, plus it was A LOT of running (LOL) so I didn't do that again. I did swim team in high school (all 4 years), but again was always middle of the pack, so I didn't really pursue it outside of the school team.
So taking the easy road is normal for me. It's easy to go slow. It's easy to grab a lighter kettle bell. It's easier to say I worked as hard as I couldn't while not really breathing hard and know deep down I really didn't. I have been telling people that I'm slow but I get the work done. That's not good enough anymore. I want to be able to walk out of the gym and barely be able to move. That's how I know I did good enough.
I'm not used to pushing myself this hard. It's new and weird. I'm not sure I like it, but I know I need to do it. I know that if I don't push myself, no one else will. I know I won't be able to reach my goal in anything I do, not just my weight.
I choose to workout at CrossFit because it scared the crap out of me. It took me more then a month to not get nervous while driving to the gym. Now, I don't know how to workout at a normal gym. I love the place. The people are amazing. Every work out is different. I'm never bored.
Thanks for "listening". I think I just needed to lay it all out there and see what it looks like. I am still in my own way, but I guess it's a work in progress. If you have ANY thoughts, ideas, suggestions. ANYTHING please post or email it to me. If you are reading this then you are part of my life somehow, so please don't hesitate to share. (I clearly don't! LOL)
And so we go...
I struggled for years with liking myself, depression, eating, gaining weight, being lazy. So now, after thinking I have all that under control I realize I never did. I started working out, eating better, even saying nice things to myself (and no putting myself down anymore). I have lost 50 pounds in 6 months. I know how to loose weight, so why have I given myself permission to stop?
