More fear...

Ok, so in my last post I talked about Fear. How it can steal your potential. I have been doing a lot of thinking about that the last few days.

I kept coming back to what am I REALLY afraid of when I get to my fitness goal. I think I figured it out. What if my best isn't good enough? What if I get to my goal and I'm not happy? Will I ever look at myself and say "Yep, you look great"? I'm scared that when I get to my goal it won't be good enough.

I the last time I was a size 10 I was 18 years old and thought I was fat (silly girl). So that isn't a frame of reference for me. I was an athlete and was in shape, but not muscular like I want to be now.

I have a recurring fear of not being good enough. A good enough mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter, etc. At least when I was working my yearly reviews let me know if I was good at my job. I don't have those any more. How does someone know you are a good enough mom? I had a really hard time answering that question for a couple of years after I had my daughter. I kinda still do, but I've learned how to deal with that.

So, how does one know they are good enough when there isn't a point of reference? Yeah, I don't know either, I guess I'll find out when I get there.

~ And so we go...

Life Inerrupted

As you know by now, I have been dealing with (battling, coping, living with, etc) depression for over 15 years now. For the most part I have a good handle on it now. For the most part. I have more good days then bad. I (for the most part) have come to terms with the fact I will have this for the rest of my life. It's part of who I am now.

I was sitting in church today and the pastor was talking about fear. What causes it, how we deal when it happens and how we get through it. He said something to the effect of "Fear is paralyzing. It can steal your potential. It can steal your joy."

Oh, man did that ring true! I know my eating is out of control again (my jeans told me this morning when I put them on) and I'm not spending as much time at the gym as I should be. In other words, I've been slacking off. I have mentioned being overwhelmed with success on my FaceBook page and people were pretty supportive. Here's the thing, I know I can be really great at CrossFit. I know it in my bones, but I'm allowing the fear to hold me back. Why? Why am I afraid of success? Why am I afraid of pushing myself? It's being healthy and in shape suppose to be a good thing? Isn't this what I wanted?

My answer to all is: I don't know. I am intentionally holding myself back. Intentionally eating junk food and not giving my body the correct fuel. Intentionally not pushing myself as hard as I can in workouts. What would I loose if I was successful in my weight loss? Actually I have the answer but it involves people who I'm not willing to discuss here, so I can't answer it publicly. Sorry.

Why did I start going to CrossFit? It's pretty hard core and intimidating as hell. I was nervous every time I went in there for over a month. I found CrossFit about 2.5 years before I joined. I bookmarked the web page and I'd visit every once in a while to convince myself it where I needed to be. In the mean time I was going to 24 Hour Fitness every so often and trying a class, tried to use the machines and saw no results. (Which ended up in me eating more... not real helpful.) Then one day (a Sunday I think) I decided to email the owner/head coach (Trainer Paul) that I was interested and what does his program do. He emailed be back within an hour and I had an appointment with him the next day. I brought the daughter to school the next morning and found the gym. I was SOOOOOOOO nervous when I walked in the door.

I found a gym with almost no machines (my comfort zone) and it was all class based. After talking to Paul for about 30 minutes (he explained how the gym worked and all that jazz) I took the leap off the deep end diving board and signed up. I have my very first workout on Wednesday. Here's what happened on that first workout. You know, one of my first posts here. :)

So, back to the fear thing. I was completely afraid when I sent that email to Trainer Paul, when I agreed to meet with him, when I signed up, and beyond afraid when I walked in for my first workout. But I didn't let that fear stand in my way. Ok, so really I did for over 2 years while I checked out the web page every once in a while. But then I had 20 seconds of insane courage and something amazing happened.

I have allowed my life to be interrupted two major times. Once when the depression hit (I talked about it here) and just recently when I gave up on myself. My potential gone. My joy lost. I have been feeling emotionally unbalanced for a while now, and I really don't want to take medications again. I never found one that works for me and all had bad side effects. I know I can find my potential and joy again. I have found it before, but then it was lost again. I guess it's time to figure things out and find it again.

So, maybe I need another 20 seconds of insane courage and do something. Sign up for something, what? I have no idea. I need a goal. My last 2 big goals got yanked out from under me because of an injury, so now what? I'll find something and I'll let you know when I do.

Homework time, I need to let go of my fear of success and get back to eating Paleo. I can do this.

~And so we go

It's Time

Well, it's been forever since I posted again. Life just gets in the way sometimes!

My eating:

I suck at making the right choice. I KNOW what to do, but I choose not to do it. I always come up with some excuse and justify it to myself. I think that is my biggest frustration with myself. I have taken the time to educate myself, I have taken that education and applied successfully in my life.

Sooooooo why can't I keep going?

Well, I'm tired of working so hard in the gym and not seeing the results on my body. I can tell I'm gaining muscle but my clothes need to be getting too big at the same time, but are not. I'm not losing fat like I should be and it's because of my eating. It's time for my belly to go. It's time for my arms to look better. It's time for some smaller clothes. It's just time.

Yep, I'm going to have days that are better than others. Yep, I'm going to have to work hard. Every day. Every choice I make about food has to be thought out. Planned. Thought about. EVERY. CHOICE. Not just one meal every so often, but EVERY piece of food that goes in my mouth has to be accounted for.

I have been loging my food for months now, but it's time to get real. I have to log ALL my food, not just most of it. Even that little bite of cake. Or that cookie. ALL. OF. IT.

I HAVE to workout at least 5 times a week. My daughter is going off track after this week, so she'll be home for 7 weeks. She's going to get tired of the gym. Too bad. Mom has to workout. :)

I'm going to have to sacrifice food I want to eat (and shouldn't) for food that my body needs. It needs fuel, not junk. If it can go bad, it's good for you. Twinkies, not so much.

I started Herbalife about a month ago. I have lost 1.5 inches off my waist within 2 weeks with it. But I wasn't eating healthy when I should have been. I am drinking 2 shakes a day and eating one meal. I love it! My body loves all the protean. I am also taking supplements and trying to get all the good things my body needs to live a long happy life.

I love and believe in Herbalife so much I'm going to start selling it! I don't have a clue what I'm doing yet, but I'll get there. I want to help people get to where they need to be. It's not a temporary choice, it's a lifelong commitment. TRUST me when I say; If I can do it, so can you.

My weight:

I have been stuck at this weight for about 6 months now. I know what I'm doing wrong and it's time to fix it. I'm tired of the scale moving just a little down and then going right back up. I so desperately want to be below 200 lbs. It's time to make that goal and then some.

It's time to be able to shop any place I want. To only have to look for tall clothes, not tall and fat clothes. It's time for me to feel comfortable in my body. To stop second guessing every clothing choice.

I guess what I'm saying about everything is it's time. Time to get control of everything again. Time to fuel my body and not feed it junk and expect to perform.

 

 

~And so we go

 

Annoyed

Ok so I've talked before (several times I think) about how I get in my own way. How I self sabotage. How I struggle every day. Every. Day.

So is it a decision I'm making daily to struggle? Why do I feel the need to make this journey a struggle? Is the struggle necessary? Can I just stop? Have I changed my food addiction for a struggle addiction?

Could it be so easy to just decide to stop and it will happen? Dare I hope?

I found this tattoo on Pinterest and fell in love with it. "without struggle there is no progress." is that true? Do I HAVE to go through the struggle to make progress? Can't I just decide that I want to make progress and just do it?

Ok, so, I'm pretty tired today. I mean, really tired. I feel like it was finals week in collage.

 This is what my workout schedule looked like this week:
Monday: 9:30am
Tuesday: Off (I help out in Cassie's class in the morning)
Wednesday: 5am and yoga at 8:30pm
Thursday: 9:30am
Friday: 5am

My first thoughts are HOLY SHIT too. And then I think, "There is gymnastics workout on Sunday, I wonder if I can do that too." So right now I'm resting on Saturday, Sunday and Tuesday. I need to find something to do on one of those days. I think gymnastics on Sunday is the ticket.

I really struggled through this mornings workout. I'm not going to lie. Totally half assed it. I allowed my mental thoughts of being tired rule over my body. I THOUGHT I was tired so my body said "Yep, you're way too tired to do anything" and I said "ok" and didn't go nearly as hard as I know I can do.

I even said "I could have done better" as soon as time was up. ugh!

Another thing about me: I love quotes. LOVE them.

Here is one that is totally applicable to today:

"Wether you think you can or can't, you're right."

Although I am tired beyond belief, I have seen some great results. I weighted myself and I'm at 202lbs!!! I'm almost below the 200's!!! Don't forget I was 265lbs at my heaviest, and I haven't been below 200 since 1996!!! CRAZY!!

I'm excited to be able to shop in any store and not have to go to the Women's section. To have my only problem when trying to find clothes be that I'm tall (not as much of an issue as it used to be). To find jeans that make my ass look good.

I discovered that my calves have great definition! I was shaving and I flexed my legs (seriously I flex everything when I can) and HOLY SMOKES they are some great looking calves. Just need to work my way up the rest of my body. :)

I'm excited for the eating right and goal setting seminar at the gym tomorrow. It will be interesting to see what happeneds in the next couple of weeks!

Paleo

Here's the Paleo way of eating in a nutshell.

Basically, if the caveman can find it, you can eat it. If it goes through some sort of process after it's grown, then it's on the No Eat list. Bread, pasta, sweets, flour (any flour whole wheat or not), and refined sugar are among the many on the list.

Here is another good list of what I eat and what I don't:

It wasn't that hard to change over as I thought it would be. The hardest part was having the treats and snacks in the house for my daughter and not being able to enjoy them. Now I get physically ill if I eat something overly processed. You know, like Cheese-its. :)

I have had so many benefits in my body and how my body works to ever change how I eat.

1. Zits. I don't get zits anymore. I have been eating strictly Paleo for 7 weeks now, and my skin cleared up within 10 days and has been clear ever since. Not only has my skin cleared up, but my pores look smaller too!

2. Farting. I almost never fart anymore. And when I do, no one dies. ;) This is because most processed food turns to sugar in your digestive track. It's the sugar that creates gas and the only way to get rid of it is to fart.

3. Pooping. (I went there with farting, may as well keep going) I don't have much personal waste anymore. I eat clean foods so my body actually uses it as fuel and has very little byproduct from that fuel. And as with the farting, I don't have to use a ton of air fresheners after I'm done.

4. I feel hungry again. Eating all those simple carbs in the overly processed food for some reason made my body think it wasn't hungry. I could eat once a day and never feel hunger. It's was really weird and I didn't like it at all. I like to know what my body wants and to not have to guess.

5. Craving. I did have some pretty serious craving the first couple of weeks into this. I had to get creative for awhile when all I wanted was sugar. (I ate more fruit then I should have, but fruit is better then cake. I have since cut way down on the fruit.) Things sound good, like the bread basket before dinner, but I don't NEED it. I make very flavorful food. I change the flavors as much as possible so I don't get bored. I also vary the meats I eat, so I don't get stuck in a chicken rut (or something like that).

What do I miss most? Mexican. Think about what is on the menu at a Mexican restaurant. Beans, chips, rice, tortilla, cheese. Don't eat any of those. I do get fajitas and then eat just the meat and veggies. Well, it would be nice to have dessert every once in awhile that isn't a bowl of berries.  But that goes back to craving sugar and I don't crave that anymore.

Anyway, that's all I have right now on eating Paleo. :)

~And so we go.

Things I've learned...

Now that it's been MONTHS since I last blogged, I thought I'd log in and leave something. :)

Here is a list of things I've learned about weight loss, myself, and life in general since starting my weight loss journey a year ago. (Yes a WHOLE year ago!)

1. You most likely won't see the changes in your body as fast as someone who doesn't see you everyday. Let's face it, you look at yourself every day. You can see some of the big changes but probably not the little ones. Give yourself a break.

2. Take measurements! I mean it! It's so rewarding to pull out my little book as see that I've lost SEVEN INCHES off my waist. I would never have known the amount of feet I've lost all over my body if I didn't start measuring.

3. Eat correctly! Eat as clean as you can. A good rule to live by is, If it goes bad then it's good for you. Have you seen those photo's of McDonald's food that has been sitting out for YEARS? Yeah, that food doesn't go bad. I eat a Paleo style diet. Everything I eat will go bad sooner then later. Meat and veggies are the mainstay of my diet. I don't eat anything that has been processed in anyway. Bread, pasta, fast food, soda (this was hard to give up, but worth it in the end), doughnuts, cake, candy and just about anything you think is super yummy. My body doesn't like any of those things anymore. It makes my stomach very upset. Not worth it.

4. Work your ass off in the gym and your ass will get smaller. As most of you know, I do CrossFit. I have for the last year. I have never once left the gym looking nice, put together or anything other then sweaty and a hot mess. I also go to 24 Hour Fitness and I always see people on some machine or another reading a book, not even breathing heavy, let alone breaking a sweat. You should have a towel because you have to wipe the liquid awesome (sweat) off your face, not because you need something to sit on.

5. Stick with it. You are worth eating the right foods. You are worth the time it takes to work out. Everyone has bad days. Bad weeks. We all have stressful lives. Someone who depends on us. Put yourself on the top of the fucking list and keep it there.

If you do these things, you will see changes. I promise. This has worked for me. My eating style works for me. It may not for you. Find the one that does. Drink more water then you ever have in your life. Yes, you will pee a lot more, but your body will thank you.

I'm finally past the half way point in my weight loss journey (yay!) but I still have a long way to go. I hear the last few pounds are the hardest. It's time to buckle up and do what needs to be done.

~And so we go.

Labels

Ok, so I have been struggling with coming to terms with my weight loss. it has taken me several months of self analyzing as to what is going on emotionally with me. Talk about a lot of work! :)

Here is what I came up with; I am having a hard time with several labels. I have put some of them on myself and other people are also putting them on me. Words like: inspiration, role model,  amazing, beautiful, successful. I have never thought of my self as an inspiration or role model. These are labels I would never give myself. I guess that's why I am having such a hard time accepting them.

In my mind I am working out and eating right because it's what a normal responsible person does. I didn't go into this journey hoping to be someones inspiration or role model. I have always wanted labels like; mother, self sufficient, reliable, independent.

It's not that I don't want people to tell me I'm an inspiration to them, I just don't know how to react. How to you respond to "You're such a role model" or "You're such a inspiration". I just say thanks and smile. I am honored that people see me this way. If you feel this way, I don't want you to not say these things, I just need to figure out how to receive them.

I understand that these coments come from a place of love. Please don't edit what you say to me, I don't want that. I am learning how to accapt your encuragement it will take me some time.

I think this "learning how to receive" is what has been slowing my weight loss down. Why I have failed at making the perminate change over to a Paleo eating habits. It's a lot to take in and learn. Please be patient with me.

And so we go...