Trying to move on

Ok so, I think calling myself a victim in my last post was the wrong word. I wasn't attacked, hurt (physically), or some other horrible event. My trigger for my depression was pretty tame compared to what it could have been.

After some reflection I realize I wasn't a victim. I just happen to be at the wrong end of a decision. I completely understand her decision and the reason for it.

It wasn't fair. (I am ALL about fair.) I wasn't able allowed to confirm with her my change in plans so I would have been completely available to work at the camp all summer. (That's the whining portion of the program.)

Even with my ability to rationalize everything, I am still very angry. I'm disappointed that I wasn't allowed participate in what I believed (and still do) with all my heart was going to be an amazing summer. A summer where I was going to be able to help a kid some how. I could have made an impact in someones life. Somehow.

But in the end I wasn't allowed to do that. I ended up wallowing in self pity and unable to do anything that summer.

That one decision that one person made changed me. I stopped participating in life. I quit school because I couldn't keep my grades up high enough to justify paying tuition. I quit going out with friends. It was very difficult to get out of bed. I didn't even want to try and live. I was done with trying as I saw it.

In the end I took 2 years off of school. I worked full time and lived at home because I was unable and unwilling to move on.

I did though. I moved on. Slowly. Painfully. I now have an amazing daughter and wonderful husband. I am SO blessed to be a stay at home mom. We live in a great house and my husband has his dream job.

I have hope. Joy. Love. Never ending love. Love for my family and friends, but no so much for myself. I'm working on it though. I'm trying. And in the end, that's all I can do.

My Victim Story

Why o why do I self sabotage? I have been doing great for 2 weeks by loosing 2lbs each week. I have spent so much time in getting my house organized and cleaned up. I have been happier over all, no quite so mean or yelling quite so much.

So with all that great work I have been doing (on myself and my environment) why the HELL did I think it was ok to get 2 bags (YES 2 BAGS) of candy and not eat it all in one sitting??? Ok so I did do better and not eat it all in one sitting, but I ate both bags within 5 days. That is way too much candy.

By giving myself permission to have the candy (even with restrictions) I also allowed myself to indulge in other horrible for me foods. I have not had as much salad, or fruit, or all the other goody foods.

Why can't I let myself succeed? Why do I feel the need to be a victim? Ooooo let's explore the victim thing for a moment. I think to explore this victim thing we have to go back to the beginning. What happened to me to trigger the weight gain.

In 1995 I was offered a job at a local camp for the summer. Basically I got the job on Wednesday, graduated high school on Saturday and moved to the camp on Monday. Let's just say that my life was perfect in my eyes at that time. I was able to graduate high school (it was a little ify there for a bit) and then get offered my dream job right after. What could be better? It was a GREAT summer.

So the next summer I applied and was offered and accepted the job again (I was a lifeguard so I didn't have my own kids, but I got to spend lots of time with all the kids). After the interview I let my boss know that I would have to miss a few days because of a vacation that was already planned. One of the conditions of the job was some extra training from the Red Cross. Ok no big deal. I was in communication with the Red Cross and trying to get signed up for classes.

I then received a letter in the mail. It was a rejection letter letting me know that the job that I was offered and accepted was being taken away from me. Of course I called my boss and spoke to her to let her know that A) the vacation fell through and so I didn't need any time off and B) I was in the process of taking the classes she required. She told me she would think about it and get back to me. She never called.

I was devastated.

I was given the gift of have another perfect summer, and then to have that yanked out of my hands for reasons that were out of my control. This utter and complete devastation caused a major depression. A depression I still live with to this day. The depression triggered the weight gain. I was a size 10 and went straight to a 14. I put so much weight on so fast I skipped a COMPLETE dress size. I still remember trying on jeans and having to tell my Mom to get the next size up because a 12 didn't fit. I felt utterly devastated. Again.

So I have be battling depression and my weight since 1996. 15 years. I have let this woman completely change the direction of my life. I have be trying to find that piece of my soul that died for 15 years. I am still very bitter and angry at her. What really just gets my goat, I have no doubt she has no clue what that one decision did to me.

I have about 100 lbs to loose now because of a decision one person made 15 years ago. I am now a size 20. My clothes are twice the size they were before this event changed me. When I fold my laundry I am still amazed at how large my pants are. When I see myself in pictures I am flabbergasted at how big I am because in my minds eye am still the size 10 I was back then. I have been on and off several different depression medicines, seen several therapists and yet, I'm still devastated.

I wish I could let all that negative energy go.

How can I move on?

Time to start again

Ok so I thought I needed to start blogging a little more. I just read an article about people who lost a lot of weight and how they blogged about it. So I thought, "What the hell, lets give it a try". Soooo here we go...

I started Weight Watchers online about 2.5 weeks ago. I am only doing online and I don't go into meetings. So far I have lost 4.2lbs. (yay me!) I have averaged 2lbs a week, which is what I hear is what you are suppose to do. I started out at 255lbs. I am now down to 250.8lbs and my next little goal is to get below 250lbs next week. Oh, and I'm a size 20 or XXL in clothes.

Yes I still go out to lunch 3 or 4 times a week. I do choose smarter meals, but I also have had fastfood (I still LOVE McDonalds). I track every french fry and when I use up most of my points I go for a salad, or some other low point meal for dinner. Even if I am not very hungry at dinner time, then I will just have a big snack/small meal. I have only gone over my daily allotment of points twice since I started.

I have not started working out yet. I do feel the need to, so now it's time to work that in. I'm just not sure exactly when that will happen. I think in the evenings are going to be best.

At the same time I joined Weight Watchers I have started to clean and declutter my house. I am a pack rat. Not quite to the hoarder level, but I could probably get to that point if I let myself. I love stuff! You never when you might need that one little thing, so I HAVE to keep it. I am trying really hard to donate or get rid of lots of stuff. So far, I'm doing pretty good. There is a pretty good pile for the dump and another good one to be donated.

I think this year is going to be about taking control of my life. My emotional life. My home life. My child's life (hahahah I know, pretty funny right?!??!). I have let how my house make me feel like crap for far too long. I have a lot of stuff. It's time to get out from under it. It's time to clean all the nooks and crannies of the house. Time to unload my physical space of useless clutter so I can unload my emotional space of useless thoughts.

I am so amazed at how much better I feel since I started this project. Self discipline is (and always has been) an problem for me. I forced myself to vacuum and mop the floor last Monday night. I REALLY didn't want to clean the floor at 8:30pm. I was tired and I had been putting it off for weeks (I had been spot cleaning the floor). But, I did it. I woke up Tuesday morning with such a light heart. I didn't have to do any chores that day before my dinner party. My daughter and I were able to spend the day playing instead of me stressing out over needing to mop the floor and then being disappointed in myself when I didn't get it done except for the minimum spot cleaning.

So this blog is how I'm going to help myself unload my emotional clutter. I will keep you updated on all my ups and downs. I hope you're ready! I'm so excited to see what is to come!