Have you read or seen Lord of the Rings? You know how the whole story is about the journey of one person and his friends. I kinda feel like this journey I am starting on is an epic journey just like Frodo's.
Frodo knew it wasn't going to be easy. He knew it was going to take a long time. Everyone who was at the meeting trying to decide who would do the task knew that it could not be done alone. Yet, Frodo was not afraid to step up and take on the task.
So, why would I think that I can partake on my own epic journey alone? I guess I have always been to ashamed to ask for help. It's hard to admit that you can't do something, especially when you have all the tools.
So, here I am. Ready to take my first step and I'm asking for help. I think what I need most is to know that I am not alone. Encouragement is always welcome. :) Please leave comments when ever you can. Just knowing that you are out there and some of you are on the same epic journey helps so much.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read about my journey.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
My new journey
Ok so I am now going to start writing about my weight loss jouney and my life. It's not going to be pretty. The things I say may not be easy to read, but it will be as truthful as I can make it. I worry about hurting people I love while trying to figure out my direction in life. I have to do this. I have to get healthy. My life depends on it.
As I sit here...
I sit on the sofa, like I do for most of the day, wondering what it will take to get me motivated to go to the gym. I really do have all the motivation and knowledge to do what I need to do. I know what I need to do, what to eat, work out. I even have the time to workout.
So why don't I do it?
I wish I can say "I don't know", but deep down I think I do know.
I'm scared.
Scared of the work. Scared of what feeling good is like. Scared that loosing the weight will change who I am.
Wow. I said it. I'm scared that loosing the weight will change who I am. But what does that mean? How is that a bad thing? I think part of me (ok. probably a large part of me) will wake up and realize that I'm a (very) unhappy person and part of that is because of my marriage. (Wow! I said it!)
I have all the motivation in the world. My daughter. I want to wear my wedding ring again, (my real one hasn't fit for over a year now). I don't want to be disgusted when I see myself in the mirror. I don't want to have to put my pants all the way on the floor every time I have to wipe my ass (sorry for being graphic, but it's the truth). I want to fit into a seat in the airplane. I want to be proud of myself. Most of all, I don't want Cass growing up ashamed of me. Of me not being able to do the things she wants to do because of my weight.
So, what do I do? I think for now I have to work on myself and deal with my marriage later. I just hope that I am strong enough to save both.
So why don't I do it?
I wish I can say "I don't know", but deep down I think I do know.
I'm scared.
Scared of the work. Scared of what feeling good is like. Scared that loosing the weight will change who I am.
Wow. I said it. I'm scared that loosing the weight will change who I am. But what does that mean? How is that a bad thing? I think part of me (ok. probably a large part of me) will wake up and realize that I'm a (very) unhappy person and part of that is because of my marriage. (Wow! I said it!)
I have all the motivation in the world. My daughter. I want to wear my wedding ring again, (my real one hasn't fit for over a year now). I don't want to be disgusted when I see myself in the mirror. I don't want to have to put my pants all the way on the floor every time I have to wipe my ass (sorry for being graphic, but it's the truth). I want to fit into a seat in the airplane. I want to be proud of myself. Most of all, I don't want Cass growing up ashamed of me. Of me not being able to do the things she wants to do because of my weight.
So, what do I do? I think for now I have to work on myself and deal with my marriage later. I just hope that I am strong enough to save both.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Moved, but not moved in.
Well, we are living in So Cal now. We have about 85% of the boxes unpacked. OK so we unpacked them about 3 weeks ago. I just don't have the energy to unpack them! I'm not sure what my issue is.
I think part of the problem is that it is finally hitting me that I am in a new place and I don't know anyone. I get rather lonely during the day and I just don't' have the energy to do anything, so I don't. I have been pretty good about keeping the house picked up. I miss a day every so often, but then again, who doesn't.
It's not that I'm being hard on myself for not keeping a clean house its just I do everything myself. Bruce is no help when it comes to Cassie. Sure he takes her out on the weekends, but its only for about 2 hours each day. Then he comes home and he plays on his computers. He is gone for 12 hours a day on the weekdays and then on the weekends he's home but plays games all day. I guess I don't know what my expectations are about this, but a little more help would be nice. :)
Well, my head is in a really weird place right now, so I'm going to sign off and figure out what to do about things.
Adrienne
I think part of the problem is that it is finally hitting me that I am in a new place and I don't know anyone. I get rather lonely during the day and I just don't' have the energy to do anything, so I don't. I have been pretty good about keeping the house picked up. I miss a day every so often, but then again, who doesn't.
It's not that I'm being hard on myself for not keeping a clean house its just I do everything myself. Bruce is no help when it comes to Cassie. Sure he takes her out on the weekends, but its only for about 2 hours each day. Then he comes home and he plays on his computers. He is gone for 12 hours a day on the weekdays and then on the weekends he's home but plays games all day. I guess I don't know what my expectations are about this, but a little more help would be nice. :)
Well, my head is in a really weird place right now, so I'm going to sign off and figure out what to do about things.
Adrienne
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Moving?
Ok, so Bruce got the job offer he went an interviewd for, but I still don't know if we are moving or not. I keep going back and forth. It would benefit everyone but me. I am willing to give up everything I have made here in the Bay Area to make sure Cassie has a better area to grow up in. I really don't want her to grow up here in Hayward. If we lived in Fremont that would be another story, or anywhere other than Hayward.
I also know that Bruce would be making more money than he does now. There isn't anyway we can sell this house for a few years, but thats ok. If we stay then we have to live here until we can sell. I am just not ok with that.
I am leaning toward moving, but I am also putting everyone elses needs before mine. Am I ok with that? When I think about it, I think yes. But then am I saying yes just so that Cassie has a better life? I know that she is my piroity and that the entire decision shouldn't be based on if it will make me happy or not. I just don't know. Like I said, I keep going back and forth.
Argh!!!!
I also know that Bruce would be making more money than he does now. There isn't anyway we can sell this house for a few years, but thats ok. If we stay then we have to live here until we can sell. I am just not ok with that.
I am leaning toward moving, but I am also putting everyone elses needs before mine. Am I ok with that? When I think about it, I think yes. But then am I saying yes just so that Cassie has a better life? I know that she is my piroity and that the entire decision shouldn't be based on if it will make me happy or not. I just don't know. Like I said, I keep going back and forth.
Argh!!!!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Cassie
So I got my hair cut last week. the gal blew it out straight and so I really looked just like my sister (love ya!) and when I got home Cassie was so scared of me!
I had the gal cut my hair to my chin, so basically a bob. I like it, it different for me. i do have to blow dry it everyday, but really that only adds about 5 min to my routine.
It was funny, but not at the same time. She knew it was me (I think) but I looked so different that she didn't totally buy it. She ran away from me and crawled up on the sofa
and put her face in the cushions and was crying! She was so upset.
Cassie had a wicked cold 2 weeks ago and I think she is getting another one. Her nose started running again this morning. argh!
she didn't poop yesterday (really, who needs to know that) so she did it last night. Well, she didn't cry at all and so I didn't go and check on her. So her diaper rash is way out of control today. I feel so bad. I know it must hurt her when i change her diaper and put ointment on it. Poor thing.
Well, she didn't sleep well last night (poop issue) and so I think it's going to be a early nap today and probably another one this afternoon.
That's all for now!
Adrienne
I had the gal cut my hair to my chin, so basically a bob. I like it, it different for me. i do have to blow dry it everyday, but really that only adds about 5 min to my routine.
It was funny, but not at the same time. She knew it was me (I think) but I looked so different that she didn't totally buy it. She ran away from me and crawled up on the sofa
and put her face in the cushions and was crying! She was so upset.
Cassie had a wicked cold 2 weeks ago and I think she is getting another one. Her nose started running again this morning. argh!
she didn't poop yesterday (really, who needs to know that) so she did it last night. Well, she didn't cry at all and so I didn't go and check on her. So her diaper rash is way out of control today. I feel so bad. I know it must hurt her when i change her diaper and put ointment on it. Poor thing.
Well, she didn't sleep well last night (poop issue) and so I think it's going to be a early nap today and probably another one this afternoon.
That's all for now!
Adrienne
Monday, January 19, 2009
I'm not a bad mom
OK, so maybe I brought this on myself, but I'm not sure...
I emailed the women in my mom's club with an issue about Cassie. She doesn't sleep well at night because she has to fart. It wakes her up at least 3 times a night, and gets up in the morning tired. I know that her diet isn't exactly great. OK, she mostly eats cheese and bread.
Most mom's made some great suggestions, she needs more fiber, she's constipated, and some other nice comments. They were all supportive and nice, except one. She made me feel like I was the worst mom in the world for not getting Cassie to eat more variety of food. She totally put me down and made me feel about an inch tall.
I am not a bad mom just because I haven't figured out how to get her to eat more food. She had no right to make me feel that way.
Well, I need to stop crying and find some lunch.
Adrienne
I emailed the women in my mom's club with an issue about Cassie. She doesn't sleep well at night because she has to fart. It wakes her up at least 3 times a night, and gets up in the morning tired. I know that her diet isn't exactly great. OK, she mostly eats cheese and bread.
Most mom's made some great suggestions, she needs more fiber, she's constipated, and some other nice comments. They were all supportive and nice, except one. She made me feel like I was the worst mom in the world for not getting Cassie to eat more variety of food. She totally put me down and made me feel about an inch tall.
I am not a bad mom just because I haven't figured out how to get her to eat more food. She had no right to make me feel that way.
Well, I need to stop crying and find some lunch.
Adrienne
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)