Ok, so in my last post I talked about Fear. How it can steal your potential. I have been doing a lot of thinking about that the last few days.
I kept coming back to what am I REALLY afraid of when I get to my fitness goal. I think I figured it out. What if my best isn't good enough? What if I get to my goal and I'm not happy? Will I ever look at myself and say "Yep, you look great"? I'm scared that when I get to my goal it won't be good enough.
I the last time I was a size 10 I was 18 years old and thought I was fat (silly girl). So that isn't a frame of reference for me. I was an athlete and was in shape, but not muscular like I want to be now.
I have a recurring fear of not being good enough. A good enough mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter, etc. At least when I was working my yearly reviews let me know if I was good at my job. I don't have those any more. How does someone know you are a good enough mom? I had a really hard time answering that question for a couple of years after I had my daughter. I kinda still do, but I've learned how to deal with that.
So, how does one know they are good enough when there isn't a point of reference? Yeah, I don't know either, I guess I'll find out when I get there.
~ And so we go...
Friday, November 30, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Life Inerrupted
As you know by now, I have been dealing with (battling, coping, living with, etc) depression for over 15 years now. For the most part I have a good handle on it now. For the most part. I have more good days then bad. I (for the most part) have come to terms with the fact I will have this for the rest of my life. It's part of who I am now.
I was sitting in church today and the pastor was talking about fear. What causes it, how we deal when it happens and how we get through it. He said something to the effect of "Fear is paralyzing. It can steal your potential. It can steal your joy."
Oh, man did that ring true! I know my eating is out of control again (my jeans told me this morning when I put them on) and I'm not spending as much time at the gym as I should be. In other words, I've been slacking off. I have mentioned being overwhelmed with success on my FaceBook page and people were pretty supportive. Here's the thing, I know I can be really great at CrossFit. I know it in my bones, but I'm allowing the fear to hold me back. Why? Why am I afraid of success? Why am I afraid of pushing myself? It's being healthy and in shape suppose to be a good thing? Isn't this what I wanted?
My answer to all is: I don't know. I am intentionally holding myself back. Intentionally eating junk food and not giving my body the correct fuel. Intentionally not pushing myself as hard as I can in workouts. What would I loose if I was successful in my weight loss? Actually I have the answer but it involves people who I'm not willing to discuss here, so I can't answer it publicly. Sorry.
Why did I start going to CrossFit? It's pretty hard core and intimidating as hell. I was nervous every time I went in there for over a month. I found CrossFit about 2.5 years before I joined. I bookmarked the web page and I'd visit every once in a while to convince myself it where I needed to be. In the mean time I was going to 24 Hour Fitness every so often and trying a class, tried to use the machines and saw no results. (Which ended up in me eating more... not real helpful.) Then one day (a Sunday I think) I decided to email the owner/head coach (Trainer Paul) that I was interested and what does his program do. He emailed be back within an hour and I had an appointment with him the next day. I brought the daughter to school the next morning and found the gym. I was SOOOOOOOO nervous when I walked in the door.
I found a gym with almost no machines (my comfort zone) and it was all class based. After talking to Paul for about 30 minutes (he explained how the gym worked and all that jazz) I took the leap off the deep end diving board and signed up. I have my very first workout on Wednesday. Here's what happened on that first workout. You know, one of my first posts here. :)
So, back to the fear thing. I was completely afraid when I sent that email to Trainer Paul, when I agreed to meet with him, when I signed up, and beyond afraid when I walked in for my first workout. But I didn't let that fear stand in my way. Ok, so really I did for over 2 years while I checked out the web page every once in a while. But then I had 20 seconds of insane courage and something amazing happened.
I have allowed my life to be interrupted two major times. Once when the depression hit (I talked about it here) and just recently when I gave up on myself. My potential gone. My joy lost. I have been feeling emotionally unbalanced for a while now, and I really don't want to take medications again. I never found one that works for me and all had bad side effects. I know I can find my potential and joy again. I have found it before, but then it was lost again. I guess it's time to figure things out and find it again.
So, maybe I need another 20 seconds of insane courage and do something. Sign up for something, what? I have no idea. I need a goal. My last 2 big goals got yanked out from under me because of an injury, so now what? I'll find something and I'll let you know when I do.
Homework time, I need to let go of my fear of success and get back to eating Paleo. I can do this.
~And so we go
I was sitting in church today and the pastor was talking about fear. What causes it, how we deal when it happens and how we get through it. He said something to the effect of "Fear is paralyzing. It can steal your potential. It can steal your joy."
Oh, man did that ring true! I know my eating is out of control again (my jeans told me this morning when I put them on) and I'm not spending as much time at the gym as I should be. In other words, I've been slacking off. I have mentioned being overwhelmed with success on my FaceBook page and people were pretty supportive. Here's the thing, I know I can be really great at CrossFit. I know it in my bones, but I'm allowing the fear to hold me back. Why? Why am I afraid of success? Why am I afraid of pushing myself? It's being healthy and in shape suppose to be a good thing? Isn't this what I wanted?
My answer to all is: I don't know. I am intentionally holding myself back. Intentionally eating junk food and not giving my body the correct fuel. Intentionally not pushing myself as hard as I can in workouts. What would I loose if I was successful in my weight loss? Actually I have the answer but it involves people who I'm not willing to discuss here, so I can't answer it publicly. Sorry.
Why did I start going to CrossFit? It's pretty hard core and intimidating as hell. I was nervous every time I went in there for over a month. I found CrossFit about 2.5 years before I joined. I bookmarked the web page and I'd visit every once in a while to convince myself it where I needed to be. In the mean time I was going to 24 Hour Fitness every so often and trying a class, tried to use the machines and saw no results. (Which ended up in me eating more... not real helpful.) Then one day (a Sunday I think) I decided to email the owner/head coach (Trainer Paul) that I was interested and what does his program do. He emailed be back within an hour and I had an appointment with him the next day. I brought the daughter to school the next morning and found the gym. I was SOOOOOOOO nervous when I walked in the door.
I found a gym with almost no machines (my comfort zone) and it was all class based. After talking to Paul for about 30 minutes (he explained how the gym worked and all that jazz) I took the leap off the deep end diving board and signed up. I have my very first workout on Wednesday. Here's what happened on that first workout. You know, one of my first posts here. :)
So, back to the fear thing. I was completely afraid when I sent that email to Trainer Paul, when I agreed to meet with him, when I signed up, and beyond afraid when I walked in for my first workout. But I didn't let that fear stand in my way. Ok, so really I did for over 2 years while I checked out the web page every once in a while. But then I had 20 seconds of insane courage and something amazing happened.
So, maybe I need another 20 seconds of insane courage and do something. Sign up for something, what? I have no idea. I need a goal. My last 2 big goals got yanked out from under me because of an injury, so now what? I'll find something and I'll let you know when I do.
Homework time, I need to let go of my fear of success and get back to eating Paleo. I can do this.
~And so we go
Monday, November 12, 2012
It's Time
Well, it's been forever since I posted again. Life just gets in the way
sometimes!
My eating:
I suck at making the right choice. I KNOW what to do, but I choose not to do it. I always come up with some excuse and justify it to myself. I think that is my biggest frustration with myself. I have taken the time to educate myself, I have taken that education and applied successfully in my life.
Sooooooo why can't I keep going?
Well, I'm tired of working so hard in the gym and not seeing the results on my body. I can tell I'm gaining muscle but my clothes need to be getting too big at the same time, but are not. I'm not losing fat like I should be and it's because of my eating. It's time for my belly to go. It's time for my arms to look better. It's time for some smaller clothes. It's just time.
Yep, I'm going to have days that are better than others. Yep, I'm going to have to work hard. Every day. Every choice I make about food has to be thought out. Planned. Thought about. EVERY. CHOICE. Not just one meal every so often, but EVERY piece of food that goes in my mouth has to be accounted for.
I have been loging my food for months now, but it's time to get real. I have to log ALL my food, not just most of it. Even that little bite of cake. Or that cookie. ALL. OF. IT.
I HAVE to workout at least 5 times a week. My daughter is going off track after this week, so she'll be home for 7 weeks. She's going to get tired of the gym. Too bad. Mom has to workout. :)
I'm going to have to sacrifice food I want to eat (and shouldn't) for food that my body needs. It needs fuel, not junk. If it can go bad, it's good for you. Twinkies, not so much.
I started Herbalife about a month ago. I have lost 1.5 inches off my waist within 2 weeks with it. But I wasn't eating healthy when I should have been. I am drinking 2 shakes a day and eating one meal. I love it! My body loves all the protean. I am also taking supplements and trying to get all the good things my body needs to live a long happy life.
I love and believe in Herbalife so much I'm going to start selling it! I don't have a clue what I'm doing yet, but I'll get there. I want to help people get to where they need to be. It's not a temporary choice, it's a lifelong commitment. TRUST me when I say; If I can do it, so can you.
My weight:
I have been stuck at this weight for about 6 months now. I know what I'm doing wrong and it's time to fix it. I'm tired of the scale moving just a little down and then going right back up. I so desperately want to be below 200 lbs. It's time to make that goal and then some.
It's time to be able to shop any place I want. To only have to look for tall clothes, not tall and fat clothes. It's time for me to feel comfortable in my body. To stop second guessing every clothing choice.
I guess what I'm saying about everything is it's time. Time to get control of everything again. Time to fuel my body and not feed it junk and expect to perform.
~And so we go
My eating:
I suck at making the right choice. I KNOW what to do, but I choose not to do it. I always come up with some excuse and justify it to myself. I think that is my biggest frustration with myself. I have taken the time to educate myself, I have taken that education and applied successfully in my life.
Sooooooo why can't I keep going?
Well, I'm tired of working so hard in the gym and not seeing the results on my body. I can tell I'm gaining muscle but my clothes need to be getting too big at the same time, but are not. I'm not losing fat like I should be and it's because of my eating. It's time for my belly to go. It's time for my arms to look better. It's time for some smaller clothes. It's just time.
Yep, I'm going to have days that are better than others. Yep, I'm going to have to work hard. Every day. Every choice I make about food has to be thought out. Planned. Thought about. EVERY. CHOICE. Not just one meal every so often, but EVERY piece of food that goes in my mouth has to be accounted for.
I have been loging my food for months now, but it's time to get real. I have to log ALL my food, not just most of it. Even that little bite of cake. Or that cookie. ALL. OF. IT.
I HAVE to workout at least 5 times a week. My daughter is going off track after this week, so she'll be home for 7 weeks. She's going to get tired of the gym. Too bad. Mom has to workout. :)
I'm going to have to sacrifice food I want to eat (and shouldn't) for food that my body needs. It needs fuel, not junk. If it can go bad, it's good for you. Twinkies, not so much.
I started Herbalife about a month ago. I have lost 1.5 inches off my waist within 2 weeks with it. But I wasn't eating healthy when I should have been. I am drinking 2 shakes a day and eating one meal. I love it! My body loves all the protean. I am also taking supplements and trying to get all the good things my body needs to live a long happy life.
I love and believe in Herbalife so much I'm going to start selling it! I don't have a clue what I'm doing yet, but I'll get there. I want to help people get to where they need to be. It's not a temporary choice, it's a lifelong commitment. TRUST me when I say; If I can do it, so can you.
My weight:
I have been stuck at this weight for about 6 months now. I know what I'm doing wrong and it's time to fix it. I'm tired of the scale moving just a little down and then going right back up. I so desperately want to be below 200 lbs. It's time to make that goal and then some.
It's time to be able to shop any place I want. To only have to look for tall clothes, not tall and fat clothes. It's time for me to feel comfortable in my body. To stop second guessing every clothing choice.
I guess what I'm saying about everything is it's time. Time to get control of everything again. Time to fuel my body and not feed it junk and expect to perform.
~And so we go
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