So I went to a Zumba class today. Talk about a reality check! I have always loved to dance and used to go to clubs. I thought I was a pretty good dancer, and maybe I was, but not so much now... I say this as I was laughing at my self in the mirror in the class.
I was the 6 foot oompa loompa shaped girl in the hot pink pants trying her hardest to understand what the hell everyone else was doing. You know, the one in the back who was trying to do all the moves, make it look graceful (hah!), or at least not too white girl, while trying not to run over another person or hit the pole in the middle of the floor. When I looked around at the backs of the heads of all the other people in the class I saw all walks of life.
From the Stepford Wife lady who had perfect hair, full face of makeup, looked cute and didn't sweat. Then there was the 6'3" gay white man who can't dance. He tried, he tried REALLY hard, but spent more time doing his own thing. Dude, go find a drum circle, no rhythm needed there. There was also the little Mexican spit fire who was about 5'1" and knew how to salsa. Again I can see that you know what you're doing, every time you swing your hips.
I stuck it out. I wasn't sure if I could even do it. I tired. I tired and did it. Not only that, but I'm going back. :)
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Never good enough...
Who am I to think that I am worthy of being a parent. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter with every fiber of my body. I would gladly die for her. Now, here is the huge but. BUT there are days (like today) where I feel like no matter what I do isn't good enough.
Who judges me you ask? I do. My daughter does. My family does. My friends do. Random strangers do. It's all very stressful, overwhelming....never ending.
Who am I to think that I am qualified to teach this one little person everything she needs to be a well rounded, caring, thoughtful, successful, strong, smart woman who is able to navigate herself through life? What have I done to warrant this much responsibility? What class or life experience have I had to allow me to teach her all of this?
These are the questions that run through my mind almost continuously. Not only do I feel under qualified to teach this gift in my life right from wrong, morals, and how to be a good person, but I feel like I am failing. Not matter how hard I try. I feel like I'm failing.
I have one child. One. Why can't I keep the house cleaned, keep my child happy, and have dinner on the table by 6? I see mom's who have more than one child do it. Why can't I? Failure.
My daughter, for some reason, doesn't like to keep her clothes on. No matter how hard I try, she is naked more often then not. Failure.
I spend half the day counting down the minutes until her nap time and bed time. I just need some peace and quiet and some alone time. What a horrible person I am to want to send my kid to bed early just so I don't have to deal with them? Failure.
What time I do spend with her in between preschool three days a week, nap times, bed times, play dates, etc. I have many, many Mommy Meltdowns. I get so frustrated I yell. Way more than I should. Failure.
Her eating habits are overwhelmingly bad. I have a hard time getting her to eat breakfast so by lunch she is a starving evil demon. When she does eat it's chicken nuggets for lunch and dinner. Failure.
I could go on, by why?
Let me just say that I have been battling with depression for 14 years. A lot of the feeling of never being good enough comes from that. I have struggled with overwhelmingly negative feelings for all those years. When I get overwhelmed like this, I just want to stay home and do nothing. I don't want to clean, work out, deal with anyone (let alone my child), or even get the mail. I do come out of the "fog" after a while, but it takes time. In the end, I'm tired of this.
I know that I am doing something right. Well, at least CPS hasn't come by yet. She is, for the most part, a very happy girl. She is super smart and says things just to make me laugh. She will randomly say "I love you Mom" so I'm pretty sure she does.
So, how do I dig myself out of the black hole of depression I got myself into? I think I'm going to try going to gym regularly. It should help with getting my serotonin levels a little more normal. If after a couple of months I don't feel better, then it's time for medicine.
So, here we go. I'm gong to back into my canoe and paddle down the river of life. It's time to start moving forward. It's OK to look back and see where you have come from, but don't forget to look ahead too.
Who judges me you ask? I do. My daughter does. My family does. My friends do. Random strangers do. It's all very stressful, overwhelming....never ending.
Who am I to think that I am qualified to teach this one little person everything she needs to be a well rounded, caring, thoughtful, successful, strong, smart woman who is able to navigate herself through life? What have I done to warrant this much responsibility? What class or life experience have I had to allow me to teach her all of this?
These are the questions that run through my mind almost continuously. Not only do I feel under qualified to teach this gift in my life right from wrong, morals, and how to be a good person, but I feel like I am failing. Not matter how hard I try. I feel like I'm failing.
I have one child. One. Why can't I keep the house cleaned, keep my child happy, and have dinner on the table by 6? I see mom's who have more than one child do it. Why can't I? Failure.
My daughter, for some reason, doesn't like to keep her clothes on. No matter how hard I try, she is naked more often then not. Failure.
I spend half the day counting down the minutes until her nap time and bed time. I just need some peace and quiet and some alone time. What a horrible person I am to want to send my kid to bed early just so I don't have to deal with them? Failure.
What time I do spend with her in between preschool three days a week, nap times, bed times, play dates, etc. I have many, many Mommy Meltdowns. I get so frustrated I yell. Way more than I should. Failure.
Her eating habits are overwhelmingly bad. I have a hard time getting her to eat breakfast so by lunch she is a starving evil demon. When she does eat it's chicken nuggets for lunch and dinner. Failure.
I could go on, by why?
Let me just say that I have been battling with depression for 14 years. A lot of the feeling of never being good enough comes from that. I have struggled with overwhelmingly negative feelings for all those years. When I get overwhelmed like this, I just want to stay home and do nothing. I don't want to clean, work out, deal with anyone (let alone my child), or even get the mail. I do come out of the "fog" after a while, but it takes time. In the end, I'm tired of this.
I know that I am doing something right. Well, at least CPS hasn't come by yet. She is, for the most part, a very happy girl. She is super smart and says things just to make me laugh. She will randomly say "I love you Mom" so I'm pretty sure she does.
So, how do I dig myself out of the black hole of depression I got myself into? I think I'm going to try going to gym regularly. It should help with getting my serotonin levels a little more normal. If after a couple of months I don't feel better, then it's time for medicine.
So, here we go. I'm gong to back into my canoe and paddle down the river of life. It's time to start moving forward. It's OK to look back and see where you have come from, but don't forget to look ahead too.
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