So I went to a Zumba class today. Talk about a reality check! I have always loved to dance and used to go to clubs. I thought I was a pretty good dancer, and maybe I was, but not so much now... I say this as I was laughing at my self in the mirror in the class.
I was the 6 foot oompa loompa shaped girl in the hot pink pants trying her hardest to understand what the hell everyone else was doing. You know, the one in the back who was trying to do all the moves, make it look graceful (hah!), or at least not too white girl, while trying not to run over another person or hit the pole in the middle of the floor. When I looked around at the backs of the heads of all the other people in the class I saw all walks of life.
From the Stepford Wife lady who had perfect hair, full face of makeup, looked cute and didn't sweat. Then there was the 6'3" gay white man who can't dance. He tried, he tried REALLY hard, but spent more time doing his own thing. Dude, go find a drum circle, no rhythm needed there. There was also the little Mexican spit fire who was about 5'1" and knew how to salsa. Again I can see that you know what you're doing, every time you swing your hips.
I stuck it out. I wasn't sure if I could even do it. I tired. I tired and did it. Not only that, but I'm going back. :)
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Never good enough...
Who am I to think that I am worthy of being a parent. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter with every fiber of my body. I would gladly die for her. Now, here is the huge but. BUT there are days (like today) where I feel like no matter what I do isn't good enough.
Who judges me you ask? I do. My daughter does. My family does. My friends do. Random strangers do. It's all very stressful, overwhelming....never ending.
Who am I to think that I am qualified to teach this one little person everything she needs to be a well rounded, caring, thoughtful, successful, strong, smart woman who is able to navigate herself through life? What have I done to warrant this much responsibility? What class or life experience have I had to allow me to teach her all of this?
These are the questions that run through my mind almost continuously. Not only do I feel under qualified to teach this gift in my life right from wrong, morals, and how to be a good person, but I feel like I am failing. Not matter how hard I try. I feel like I'm failing.
I have one child. One. Why can't I keep the house cleaned, keep my child happy, and have dinner on the table by 6? I see mom's who have more than one child do it. Why can't I? Failure.
My daughter, for some reason, doesn't like to keep her clothes on. No matter how hard I try, she is naked more often then not. Failure.
I spend half the day counting down the minutes until her nap time and bed time. I just need some peace and quiet and some alone time. What a horrible person I am to want to send my kid to bed early just so I don't have to deal with them? Failure.
What time I do spend with her in between preschool three days a week, nap times, bed times, play dates, etc. I have many, many Mommy Meltdowns. I get so frustrated I yell. Way more than I should. Failure.
Her eating habits are overwhelmingly bad. I have a hard time getting her to eat breakfast so by lunch she is a starving evil demon. When she does eat it's chicken nuggets for lunch and dinner. Failure.
I could go on, by why?
Let me just say that I have been battling with depression for 14 years. A lot of the feeling of never being good enough comes from that. I have struggled with overwhelmingly negative feelings for all those years. When I get overwhelmed like this, I just want to stay home and do nothing. I don't want to clean, work out, deal with anyone (let alone my child), or even get the mail. I do come out of the "fog" after a while, but it takes time. In the end, I'm tired of this.
I know that I am doing something right. Well, at least CPS hasn't come by yet. She is, for the most part, a very happy girl. She is super smart and says things just to make me laugh. She will randomly say "I love you Mom" so I'm pretty sure she does.
So, how do I dig myself out of the black hole of depression I got myself into? I think I'm going to try going to gym regularly. It should help with getting my serotonin levels a little more normal. If after a couple of months I don't feel better, then it's time for medicine.
So, here we go. I'm gong to back into my canoe and paddle down the river of life. It's time to start moving forward. It's OK to look back and see where you have come from, but don't forget to look ahead too.
Who judges me you ask? I do. My daughter does. My family does. My friends do. Random strangers do. It's all very stressful, overwhelming....never ending.
Who am I to think that I am qualified to teach this one little person everything she needs to be a well rounded, caring, thoughtful, successful, strong, smart woman who is able to navigate herself through life? What have I done to warrant this much responsibility? What class or life experience have I had to allow me to teach her all of this?
These are the questions that run through my mind almost continuously. Not only do I feel under qualified to teach this gift in my life right from wrong, morals, and how to be a good person, but I feel like I am failing. Not matter how hard I try. I feel like I'm failing.
I have one child. One. Why can't I keep the house cleaned, keep my child happy, and have dinner on the table by 6? I see mom's who have more than one child do it. Why can't I? Failure.
My daughter, for some reason, doesn't like to keep her clothes on. No matter how hard I try, she is naked more often then not. Failure.
I spend half the day counting down the minutes until her nap time and bed time. I just need some peace and quiet and some alone time. What a horrible person I am to want to send my kid to bed early just so I don't have to deal with them? Failure.
What time I do spend with her in between preschool three days a week, nap times, bed times, play dates, etc. I have many, many Mommy Meltdowns. I get so frustrated I yell. Way more than I should. Failure.
Her eating habits are overwhelmingly bad. I have a hard time getting her to eat breakfast so by lunch she is a starving evil demon. When she does eat it's chicken nuggets for lunch and dinner. Failure.
I could go on, by why?
Let me just say that I have been battling with depression for 14 years. A lot of the feeling of never being good enough comes from that. I have struggled with overwhelmingly negative feelings for all those years. When I get overwhelmed like this, I just want to stay home and do nothing. I don't want to clean, work out, deal with anyone (let alone my child), or even get the mail. I do come out of the "fog" after a while, but it takes time. In the end, I'm tired of this.
I know that I am doing something right. Well, at least CPS hasn't come by yet. She is, for the most part, a very happy girl. She is super smart and says things just to make me laugh. She will randomly say "I love you Mom" so I'm pretty sure she does.
So, how do I dig myself out of the black hole of depression I got myself into? I think I'm going to try going to gym regularly. It should help with getting my serotonin levels a little more normal. If after a couple of months I don't feel better, then it's time for medicine.
So, here we go. I'm gong to back into my canoe and paddle down the river of life. It's time to start moving forward. It's OK to look back and see where you have come from, but don't forget to look ahead too.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Eat, Pray, Love
So, I am reading the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I just finished the first part where she is in Italy and is experiencing the pure joy of food. Here is what I took from that:
Life is all about the simple things. My daughter woke up at 5:30 this morning and I went into her room to comfort her and get her back to sleep. I decided to lay in her bed with her and go back to sleep with her. I woke up this morning with a sore hip because her bed is harder than mine. Then I thought "How many more nights am I going to be blessed with being able to do this? At what age will she think it's dumb for Mom to share her bed?" I then decided the next time I am going to sleep in her bed with her I am going to cuddle with her, and not just share the bed.
I decided that if one person can uproot her life and move half way around the world to learn the joy of food and a new language, then I can enjoy a 2 hour sleep in a hard bed with my daughter and not complain about a sore hip.
I made that decision to see the glass as half full at that moment. Once I made that decision to think of that moment as a positive, I smiled. It made my heart feel light, like I could take on the day because it started out so wonderfully. Who wouldn't want to start their day after a warm cuddle with their child and then a smile to fallow?
Staying positive is a lot harder than I thought it could be. Not even an hour after my decision to remember my sleep with my daughter as positive, she did something to piss me off. I can't even remember what it was, but I do remember thinking about it later and choosing to try and let that negative energy go.
Why does staying positive and happy have to be a decision? Why can't it happen naturally? Will it ever come naturally? Will it always be a decision? Can't I just be naturally happy?
I have also been playing with the idea of taking yoga classes again. I remember how clam I would feel after a session. I want to feel that calm again. I'm tired of always being pissed off, frustrated, annoyed, stressed, sleepy, and all the other things a person feels. Looks like it's time to run to Target to get a new yoga mat! :)
~Me
Life is all about the simple things. My daughter woke up at 5:30 this morning and I went into her room to comfort her and get her back to sleep. I decided to lay in her bed with her and go back to sleep with her. I woke up this morning with a sore hip because her bed is harder than mine. Then I thought "How many more nights am I going to be blessed with being able to do this? At what age will she think it's dumb for Mom to share her bed?" I then decided the next time I am going to sleep in her bed with her I am going to cuddle with her, and not just share the bed.
I decided that if one person can uproot her life and move half way around the world to learn the joy of food and a new language, then I can enjoy a 2 hour sleep in a hard bed with my daughter and not complain about a sore hip.
I made that decision to see the glass as half full at that moment. Once I made that decision to think of that moment as a positive, I smiled. It made my heart feel light, like I could take on the day because it started out so wonderfully. Who wouldn't want to start their day after a warm cuddle with their child and then a smile to fallow?
Staying positive is a lot harder than I thought it could be. Not even an hour after my decision to remember my sleep with my daughter as positive, she did something to piss me off. I can't even remember what it was, but I do remember thinking about it later and choosing to try and let that negative energy go.
Why does staying positive and happy have to be a decision? Why can't it happen naturally? Will it ever come naturally? Will it always be a decision? Can't I just be naturally happy?
I have also been playing with the idea of taking yoga classes again. I remember how clam I would feel after a session. I want to feel that calm again. I'm tired of always being pissed off, frustrated, annoyed, stressed, sleepy, and all the other things a person feels. Looks like it's time to run to Target to get a new yoga mat! :)
~Me
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Again!?!?! Really???
I was doing really well in January and then I went to my parents and sister's house in Feb and totally and completely fell off the wagon. SO frustrating! I had lost 9 pounds at that point. Well, I found all 9 of those pounds.
So, here I am, back where I started and just a little wiser. I now know that I can do it, but holy crap it's a lot of work! :) My jeans are tight again, and I'm eating at fast food places more often than not. This isn't how it's suppose to be.
I have started back at the gym, and I've started to wear my body bug again. I'm not being as strict on myself as I should with my eating, but I'm being thoughtful about it. I'm not weighing my food, but I am trying to choose better. Most of my family is coming into town this weekend, so after they all leave on Tuesday I plan on counting all the calories and weighing all the food.
I have also started to go to the gym with my buddy Annie. I noticed that I actually workout longer when I'm with her. She does the elliptical for an hour and I can't stand the machine, but I'll do it for an hour with her. I don't hate it quite so much any more because I actually burn more calories on it than the treadmill.
Well, at least I'm getting up off my butt and I'm moving. I know that I can do more, but for right now, it's all I can handle.
So, here I am, back where I started and just a little wiser. I now know that I can do it, but holy crap it's a lot of work! :) My jeans are tight again, and I'm eating at fast food places more often than not. This isn't how it's suppose to be.
I have started back at the gym, and I've started to wear my body bug again. I'm not being as strict on myself as I should with my eating, but I'm being thoughtful about it. I'm not weighing my food, but I am trying to choose better. Most of my family is coming into town this weekend, so after they all leave on Tuesday I plan on counting all the calories and weighing all the food.
I have also started to go to the gym with my buddy Annie. I noticed that I actually workout longer when I'm with her. She does the elliptical for an hour and I can't stand the machine, but I'll do it for an hour with her. I don't hate it quite so much any more because I actually burn more calories on it than the treadmill.
Well, at least I'm getting up off my butt and I'm moving. I know that I can do more, but for right now, it's all I can handle.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
1st Weigh-in
Well, all the calorie counting and time spent at the gym have paid off. 3 1/2 lbs off! yay me!
I still wear my Body Bug everyday and weigh my food out and I think I have accepted that I most likely will for a very long time. That's ok though, I'm not on a diet, I'm doing a lifestyle change.
I can tell even after going to the gym for just the one week, I don't crave the sweets and such like I used to. I went out to a Mexican restaurant the other night and didn't really want the chips. I did have some with the cheese dip I ordered, but I didn't just sit there and chow down. I did pretty good! Olive Garden might be another story... :)
I have had quite a bit of bad news within my family this last week, and my first thought was to eat, but I didn't. Small victory. :) I am trying to find another way to handle the stress, not sure how yet, but I'll get there.
Well, that’s all for now.
Progress: Monday 1/11 - 2 miles 31 min
Wednesday 1/13 - 2 miles 32 min
Weight loss: 3.5lbs
I still wear my Body Bug everyday and weigh my food out and I think I have accepted that I most likely will for a very long time. That's ok though, I'm not on a diet, I'm doing a lifestyle change.
I can tell even after going to the gym for just the one week, I don't crave the sweets and such like I used to. I went out to a Mexican restaurant the other night and didn't really want the chips. I did have some with the cheese dip I ordered, but I didn't just sit there and chow down. I did pretty good! Olive Garden might be another story... :)
I have had quite a bit of bad news within my family this last week, and my first thought was to eat, but I didn't. Small victory. :) I am trying to find another way to handle the stress, not sure how yet, but I'll get there.
Well, that’s all for now.
Progress: Monday 1/11 - 2 miles 31 min
Wednesday 1/13 - 2 miles 32 min
Weight loss: 3.5lbs
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Unfinished
Why oh why can't I finish a project. ANY project. So frustrating! I always have good intentions to do something, like make card holders before Christmas. Last Christmas. I got everything cut out and ready, but I just never sat down and sewed them. I still have all the parts sitting on the table. I can't seem to even put them into a home! ugh!
When we moved from Hayward down here I was excited because we finally had room to put everything. Well, we might have the room for everything, but I just can't seem to make a home for everything. It's not just one room in the house, it's the WHOLE house!
I am so overwhelmed that I am just paralyzed.
I know that I have to start in one room and complete it before I move on. Again, I have started to do that but just can't seem to get it done.
Wait, I did get one room done. It was Cassie's room and then two weeks later I moved her room, so now I have to start over.
I have always been this way. I am a messy person and I have never been able to keep a neat bed room, apartment, or house. Now my house is beyond messy to dirty. I need help. Anyone want to come over and help me find homes for everything???
When we moved from Hayward down here I was excited because we finally had room to put everything. Well, we might have the room for everything, but I just can't seem to make a home for everything. It's not just one room in the house, it's the WHOLE house!
I am so overwhelmed that I am just paralyzed.
I know that I have to start in one room and complete it before I move on. Again, I have started to do that but just can't seem to get it done.
Wait, I did get one room done. It was Cassie's room and then two weeks later I moved her room, so now I have to start over.
I have always been this way. I am a messy person and I have never been able to keep a neat bed room, apartment, or house. Now my house is beyond messy to dirty. I need help. Anyone want to come over and help me find homes for everything???
Friday, January 8, 2010
Learned something...
Well, tonight was day 2 of working out. I took my car this time and plugged the name of my gym in the gps and found one sorta close. I couldn't fine one online that close, so I was a little hesitate, but I figured I may as well drive to it and see what's going on. Well, it was closed. :( So, I went to the next closest one and it ended up being 17 miles from my house. Not exactly convenient.
I was there, and so I went in and did my little workout. A few things I didn't like about that gym. The parking lot was on the dark side and kinda creepy. I walked in and the first thing you see is the pool. That's cool and all, but where was the equipment? I had to ask someone to find the treadmill. Ugh.
Found the treadmills and hopped on. The cardio area was in a small area and there was bad ventilation. It was hot and humid in there. Gross. Not how I want to work out.
The bonus was some guy thought cologne was the same as deodorant. Dude, seriously! Use the pit stick not the bottle!
I also learned that I should eat AFTER I work out. I think a snack would be fine before, but a full belly wasn't all that comfortable. I didn't feel sick or anything but I felt full.
The last thing I learned was I can be creative in my meals but I have to sit down and count the calories before hand. I made a pretty yummy turkey pita sandwich and I had some potato salad (thinking I had a little wiggle room in my calories). BUT it was over 800 calories. Ugh. Another lesson learned.
Now I know.
My progress: 2 miles on treadmill in 33 min.
I was there, and so I went in and did my little workout. A few things I didn't like about that gym. The parking lot was on the dark side and kinda creepy. I walked in and the first thing you see is the pool. That's cool and all, but where was the equipment? I had to ask someone to find the treadmill. Ugh.
Found the treadmills and hopped on. The cardio area was in a small area and there was bad ventilation. It was hot and humid in there. Gross. Not how I want to work out.
The bonus was some guy thought cologne was the same as deodorant. Dude, seriously! Use the pit stick not the bottle!
I also learned that I should eat AFTER I work out. I think a snack would be fine before, but a full belly wasn't all that comfortable. I didn't feel sick or anything but I felt full.
The last thing I learned was I can be creative in my meals but I have to sit down and count the calories before hand. I made a pretty yummy turkey pita sandwich and I had some potato salad (thinking I had a little wiggle room in my calories). BUT it was over 800 calories. Ugh. Another lesson learned.
Now I know.
My progress: 2 miles on treadmill in 33 min.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Time to work out
Well, I am finally ready to start going to the gym. I walked/ran down to Starbucks today to meet up with some friends from the Mom's Club. I did try running some, but didn't do a ton, but I did try. I got a bottle of water and had a cookie while at Starbucks. I then had an healthier lunch and am ready for a snack. I realized that I have to eat dinner before 6pm so I can go to the gym around 7pm. I think it will be nice to have some time by myself for myself.
My starting weight is 259lbs. I have been wearing my Body Bug since yesterday and although it is visible and I don’t like that people can see it, but I guess it's not that bad in the big picture of life. I would rather wear the Body Bug than be fat.
I love Biggest Looser. I understand that it's not 'real life' and people don't loose weight in the 'real world' as fast as they do on that show. What I love is that it shows that you can loose weight by changing your lifestyle. It HAS to be a permanent change in your lifestyle, not a diet, to loose the weight and keep it off. In my mind a diet it temporary and it's something that you can stop at any time. A change in your lifestyle means its permanent and that is how things are from then on. I am working on being more thoughtful on my food choices.
Well, not very in-depth today, but I have to jet.
Progress: 2 miles in 40 min.
My starting weight is 259lbs. I have been wearing my Body Bug since yesterday and although it is visible and I don’t like that people can see it, but I guess it's not that bad in the big picture of life. I would rather wear the Body Bug than be fat.
I love Biggest Looser. I understand that it's not 'real life' and people don't loose weight in the 'real world' as fast as they do on that show. What I love is that it shows that you can loose weight by changing your lifestyle. It HAS to be a permanent change in your lifestyle, not a diet, to loose the weight and keep it off. In my mind a diet it temporary and it's something that you can stop at any time. A change in your lifestyle means its permanent and that is how things are from then on. I am working on being more thoughtful on my food choices.
Well, not very in-depth today, but I have to jet.
Progress: 2 miles in 40 min.
Friday, January 1, 2010
What I'm looking forward to...
What am I looking forward to after I loose the weight?
Collarbones
To be shaped like a woman, not like a Oompa Loompa
Wearing my wedding ring (maybe having to size it down?!?!)
Buying a bra at Victoria Secret’s
Crossing my legs
More energy
Why collarbones you ask? Well, I can see them in my “skinny” photo’s and for some reason I zeroed in on that part of my body to miss.
I miss my waist. I miss having that figure that makes me look like a person and not a Weeble. I can remember seeing that shape in my body when I a size 14, and it will come back in time.
I miss my wedding ring. It’s so pretty and has sparkly diamonds on it and I just miss it. I see other women with rings on and it makes me a little sad that I can’t wear mine.
Who doesn’t want to buy a fun bra at Victoria Secret’s? I am too big to just walk in and try one on, and it sucks.
Yes, I can still cross my legs but I don’t because my foot sticks out so far and it looks like I'm trying to trip someone.
I just want to feel ok at the end of the day. I want to have the energy to keep the house cleaner, to go outside and run (not pretend running) after Cass, to be able to walk around all day (at Disneyland or something) and no be totally useless at the end of the day.
I have committed to starting going to the gym on Monday. The part that sucks is I am half way between 2 gyms and it will take about 15 min or so to get to either one. Talk about not local.
I activated my Body Bug yesterday. If you don’t know what they are they are used on the Biggest Looser and it tracks how many calories you have burned. You log onto the web site and download the bug and then input what you ate and it tracks it all for you. (I told you I have all the tools.) I’m looking forward to playing the “calorie game” with it.
So, I’m going to have to adjust my grocery shopping too. I will start studying the “Eat This Not That” book and see how I can cut some calories without a serious overhaul of my heating habits. Of course it may come to that at some point, but I can’t change everything in one day.
I have so much more to say, but I think that’s it for now. I am so glad that I have started writing. I always thought that because I’m Dyslexic I can’t be a writer. Well, screw that I say, and here is my blog to prove it.
Collarbones
To be shaped like a woman, not like a Oompa Loompa
Wearing my wedding ring (maybe having to size it down?!?!)
Buying a bra at Victoria Secret’s
Crossing my legs
More energy
Why collarbones you ask? Well, I can see them in my “skinny” photo’s and for some reason I zeroed in on that part of my body to miss.
I miss my waist. I miss having that figure that makes me look like a person and not a Weeble. I can remember seeing that shape in my body when I a size 14, and it will come back in time.
I miss my wedding ring. It’s so pretty and has sparkly diamonds on it and I just miss it. I see other women with rings on and it makes me a little sad that I can’t wear mine.
Who doesn’t want to buy a fun bra at Victoria Secret’s? I am too big to just walk in and try one on, and it sucks.
Yes, I can still cross my legs but I don’t because my foot sticks out so far and it looks like I'm trying to trip someone.
I just want to feel ok at the end of the day. I want to have the energy to keep the house cleaner, to go outside and run (not pretend running) after Cass, to be able to walk around all day (at Disneyland or something) and no be totally useless at the end of the day.
I have committed to starting going to the gym on Monday. The part that sucks is I am half way between 2 gyms and it will take about 15 min or so to get to either one. Talk about not local.
I activated my Body Bug yesterday. If you don’t know what they are they are used on the Biggest Looser and it tracks how many calories you have burned. You log onto the web site and download the bug and then input what you ate and it tracks it all for you. (I told you I have all the tools.) I’m looking forward to playing the “calorie game” with it.
So, I’m going to have to adjust my grocery shopping too. I will start studying the “Eat This Not That” book and see how I can cut some calories without a serious overhaul of my heating habits. Of course it may come to that at some point, but I can’t change everything in one day.
I have so much more to say, but I think that’s it for now. I am so glad that I have started writing. I always thought that because I’m Dyslexic I can’t be a writer. Well, screw that I say, and here is my blog to prove it.
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