Struggle

I struggled for years with liking myself, depression, eating, gaining weight, being lazy. So now, after thinking I have all that under control I realize I never did. I started working out, eating better, even saying nice things to myself (and no putting myself down anymore). I have lost 50 pounds in 6 months. I know how to loose weight, so why have I given myself permission to stop?

As you know I have had a hard time "coming to terms" with my weight loss. I'm still at a loss as to why. I struggled for so long while putting it on, so why do I have to struggle while taking it off???

Maybe because I have lost a lot of weight so quickly? It is pretty shocking if you think about it. 50 pounds in 6 months. 8.3 pounds a month. An average of 0.25 pounds a day. Clearly my body wants to get rid of the weight. I know I am doing it the correct way. So why do I give myself permission to eat nothing but crap?

All that results from eating crap is I feel like shit and I gain weight again. My body clearly doesn't like it. I know this, but it still doesn't stop me from eating McDonalds, oreo cookies (by the handfull), or any of the other junk I have shoved into my mouth in the last week.

Is what I'm going though normal? Do most people have to stuggle this much?

It's exausting. I'm tire of struggling. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of combining my self worth with my eating.

Self Doubt Sucks...

So does knowing I disappointed Coach Paul. Disappointing anyone is really hard for me to deal with. It always has. If you want to see me crumble, just tell me you're disappointed in me. No he didn't say he was, but I know he knew I could have done better.

I SHOULD have been able to do the workout he put up on the board today. Should have. I have a mile long list of excuses as to why I couldn't. I'm good at that. Making excuses. (Who isn't really?) It was set up as a endurance WOD, so the weight was light, but I still allowed myself get in my own way.  When I first started this journey I was physically in my own way, now I'm mentally/emotionally in my own way.

Why? Why do I have to struggle so much? Why can't I just go balls to the walls and get the work done as fast as possible? What am I afraid of?Yes my muscles are going to be tired, yes it probably will hurt, yes I'll probably be tired. But all those things are temporary. I SHOULD be able to do more work faster then I have been.
 I have a good idea what my fear is about. I think it's about being fearful of success. Crazy I know. When I think of what I'll look like in another 40(ish) pounds, it kinda freaks me out. I am having a hard time visualizing what I'll look like. Plus, who looses 40 pounds in 5 months? How many people or able to get half way to their goal so quickly? I never dreamed (or even thought) I could get there so quickly.



It might also go along with my feelings on self worth. My other trainer (Coach Shawna) asked me yesterday why I was having problems with being successful, and my answer was "I never thought I could do it." That's the simple answer. The other simple answer? No self worth. Once I gained the weight I never felt worthy of feeling good about myself. Why should I feel good when I weighed 260 pounds? Why should I like myself? Why should I be happy? I didn't do anything to deserve any of the positive things that any "normal" person had. But now, now I'm working hard, eating right and loosing weight and I still feel like I don't deserve any of those things.

I feel so much better without the 40 pounds I've lost. I can physically do more things then I could before. I am much happier. I don't put myself down nearly as much as I used to. For the first time in A LONG time I actually feel like I'm not going to die young. I feel like I will live a normal length.

I think it also scares me that I can loose 80 pounds in less then a year. That's just crazy!!! I'm not on The Biggest Looser. I haven't had any surgery or anything. What person do you see all the time does this? On the other side of being successful quickly is: What the hell was I doing to myself? This tells me that I am more athletic then I ever thought I was, but I was hurting myself before by not working out/eating right/etc. Yes I was good at sports when I was younger, but that was MANY moons ago.

So with all of those positive things going for me, why am I having such a hard time accepting success? Is that what I'm having a problem with or is it something else? I don't know. I think it might be time to find a shrink to help me get over this.

I guess another part of it is I have never worked so hard for anything before. I have always taken the easy way out. Growing up I played a lot of sport. In soccer I wanted to be the goalie so I wouldn't have to run around so much (less work for me). Then when I was goalie I wouldn't dive for the ball because I was afraid of hurting myself. I was pretty good at softball, but that came naturally. I didn't really need to try hard.  I tried cross country but was never a top finished, plus it was A LOT of running (LOL) so I didn't do that again. I did swim team in high school (all 4 years), but again was always middle of the pack, so I didn't really pursue it outside of the school team.

So taking the easy road is normal for me. It's easy to go slow. It's easy to grab a lighter kettle bell. It's easier to say I worked as hard as I couldn't while not really breathing hard and know deep down I really didn't. I have been telling people that I'm slow but I get the work done. That's not good enough anymore. I want to be able to walk out of the gym and barely be able to move. That's how I know I did good enough.

I'm not used to pushing myself this hard. It's new and weird. I'm not sure I like it, but I know I need to do it. I know that if I don't push myself, no one else will. I know I won't be able to reach my goal in anything I do, not just my weight.

I choose to workout at CrossFit because it scared the crap out of me. It took me more then a month to not get nervous while driving to the gym. Now, I don't know how to workout at a normal gym. I love the place. The people are amazing. Every work out is different. I'm never bored.

Thanks for "listening". I think I just needed to lay it all out there and see what it looks like. I am still in my own way, but I guess it's a work in progress. If you have ANY thoughts, ideas, suggestions. ANYTHING please post or email it to me. If you are reading this then you are part of my life somehow, so please don't hesitate to share. (I clearly don't! LOL)

And so we go...

It's been a loooooooong time...

Holy Smokes! I haven't blogged since July??? How'd that happen? Huh, I guess time does fly.

So I'm still in the Paleo challenge that was started back in July. Crazy huh? Well, it's down to one other guy and me so they decided to extend it as a tie breaker. I really want to win the $300 so I can get some new clothes!

I have lost a total of 40 pounds so far! I am down 3 pants sizes (now a 16 was a 22) and I am typically a Large (used to be a XXLarge). YAY! Progress!

I have started to eat a Paleo type diet. I hate to call it a diet, because I always associate that word with something temporary. I plan to eat this way, for the most part, for the rest of my life. My body has responded really well to it, so why not? Within the first 18 days of eating Paleo, I lost 2 inches from around my belly. 2 FULL INCHES! It just blows my mind!

I had to give up A LOT of the foods that I love, but I feel better, my skin is better, my digestive system is WAY better. So, it's totally worth it.

So after having some great results with the working out and eating, I have slipped back into a bad eating habits. I have been hovering at my current weight for about a month now. I know it's because I am not as strict on my diet. A large part of that reason is mental.

I think I freaked myself out by being so successful so quickly. I'm still pretty overwhelmed by it. 40 pounds is very noticeable, on anyone. I get lots of comments from everyone I know. I think that's part of my mental issue. How do I accept the compliments and still feel good about myself? (OMG that is just about the dumbest question I have ever asked.) It's really hard to accept the change in my appearance in my head. I'm so used to be ashamed by how I look, it's all new territory to feel good.

I think part of my problem is that I gave myself permission to eat one or two little things, and it's turned into I can eat what ever I want. Yes, there will be times where I can eat anything, but not all the time. I am trying really hard this week to get out of my addiction to sugar. Major problem right now. I think once I get through this part of the detox I'll be in a lot better place mentally. I hope.

At the end of the day I am half way to my goal weight. My goal is to be at my goal weight by my brother's wedding in August. 293 days away. I can do it. I know I can. I just need to get back on track and commit to eating the way my body wants me to eat. I hope to loose another 10 pounds by Thanksgiving. That is my short term goal right now.

And so we go...

It's been 3 weeks...

It's been 3 weeks since my last post. Not sure why the delay, but I do know I have been pretty busy and so this was put on the back burner. I have lots of good news!

I have lost 10lbs! (finally!) YIPEEE! I know that the scale hasn't really moved because I am adding muscle while loosing fat, but it sure is nice to see the scale move. I still weigh myself daily, and I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. I'm kinda obsessed. So I'm now down 15 lbs total since January.

I feel better. I can walk up the stairs and not breath heavy at the top. I can sit and cross my legs! I know that sounds like no big deal, but I haven't been able to do that (comfortable) for over 2 years. It was raining today so I put on a pair of my jeans (fresh from the wash) and they are too big! At least around the waist. They are snug on my thighs, but I'm pretty sure that's because they are all muscle now. Ok, mostly muscle. :)

The gym is have a "Turn Mush into Muscle" contest. Basically eat any diet you want, and take a picture at the beginning of the 6 week contest, and then one at the end of the contest and who has the best change wins. It's a $20 buy in and the winner gets the whole pot. I'm doing Weight Watchers because it's easy and not too big of a change from my normal diet. I have cut out a lot of eating out, but not all of it. I am not going to do drive thru but a lunch here or there is ok.

Here are my week 1 photo's:

I know, flattering! lol I look a LOT better then when I started CrossFit.

I have also been running on the weekends. I like to do 4 miles because it takes a little under an hour. Plus I can actually do it. :) Yesterday's run was great because I'm pretty sure I could have done all 4 miles non stop. The husband and daughter go with and I have been voted to push the daughter's stroller. I'm not a fan. I don't like how I have to struggle to keep the stroller where I want it to go. Plus it changes my speed and stride. Like I said not a fan.

I will be taking more measurements on Monday. I took some prelim ones on Saturday, and let's say they are not what I expected.

and so we go...

Measurements!

I took another set of measurements on Monday. The scale still isn't moving, but the measuring tape is!

                                      June 2nd:                     July 4th:                     Difference:
Neck:                               16.5"                          15.25                        - .75"
Right Bicep:                     15"                             14"                           - 1"
Left Bicep:                      14.25"                         14"                           - .25"
Bust:                                47"                              44.5"                        - 2.5"
Bellybutton:                      46.75"                        45.5"                         - 1.25"
Right Thigh:                      27.5"                          26.75                        - .75"
Left Thigh:                        28"                             27"                            - 1"

WHOO HOOO!!!

So this was one month apart. I started about 3 weeks before the first set of measurements, so I'm sure they would be more if I had.

On Monday July 4th the gym was closed. A game of Ultimate Frisbee was set up and I decided to go. WHAT A BLAST! I had a great time! I was able to meet a bunch of other Cross Fitters who go to classes.

The only problem is on my first attempt to catch the Frisbee, I landed and rolled my ankle. It hurt for a few steps, but then the pain went away. For a little while anyway. Just after lunch it started to really hurt. Yep, I sprained it.

I had to miss workout on Wednesday because it was still pretty swollen and painful. After much icing and staying off it I was able to make it to Fridays workout. I wasn't 100% but I had a great workout.

We worked on back squats. we worked up to one squat max. I got up to 133 pounds! After that I had to do some rowing and weighted sit ups. Not so much fun, and I didn't go as fast as Trainer Paul though I should. But then again, he never does. :)

Until next week!

And so we go!
Me

6 weeks and counting

So, I started this CrossFit journey a little over 6 weeks ago. I think I will always want the progress to be faster, but I have been making progress. I can tell my lungs are stronger. My breathing has become more controlled as apposed to me sucking air as fast as I possibly can the entire time. I can walk up our stairs and not have to catch my breath at the top. I can tell my legs and arms are stronger. I am able to hold my daughter longer (she weighs about 40 lbs right now). I'm pretty sure my belly is smaller. When I look down all I see are boobs, no belly anymore. (yay!) The best part is I feel better overall. (double yay!)

As I put in this post the scale hasn't really moved much, but my measurements are moving. I will take an "official" set of measurements on Monday, so look for that update next week. The scale seemed to start moving a little this week, so that's nice to see too.

I wasn't able to get a photo of Mondays workout, Trainer Paul was too efficient in his cleaning that day.

Here's the Warm-up for the week:

Here's Wednesdays workout:



Wednesday was hard. It shouldn't have been, but I went to the gym on my own on Tuesday and I think I over did it. Plus I haven't been eating a good breakfast this week and I can really tell. Need to change that...

And here's Fridays workout:

Here is a front squat video so you know what that looks like. I got up to 95 pounds for 3 reps.
Here is a back squat video and now you know what that looks like. I got up to 120 pounds for 3 reps.

I went and got some new workout clothes this week too. I figured that I am spending all this time there I may as well have clothes that don't get in my way. I needed something that wasn't so baggy and hot. I got a bunch of tank tops and capri pants. I'm not quite ready for shorts yet. :) It was nice to not have to tuck my shirt into my pants so I didn't flash everyone, but I missed having something to wipe the sweat off my face. Guess I need to bring a towel with me for now on. I have really liked wearing tank tops and clothes that are a little tighter.

I'm going to try and get to a class workout tomorrow, not sure how my legs will feel. They are pretty tired today with all those weighted squats and then we spent the afternoon at Disneyland.

And so we go,
Me

Seeing Progress!

Ok, so a couple of things. I decided to update this about once a week, instead of 3 times a week. I thought it would make us all a little more sane.

The good news first! I took my measurements on June 2nd. I started Crossift on May 11th, so almost a month later is when I took measurements. oops! I think I didn't want to see the numbers and have to admit to myself (and the world) just how big they were. BUT ANYWAY, I did take my measurements about a month later. I just took them again on June 22nd and EVERYTHING is a half inch smaller! Each thigh, waist, hips, breast area, each bicep and my neck. I know, I know a half inch isn't much, but hell I'll take it. Especially since it was only 3 weeks after my first measurements.

YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I did a little happy dance after I got over my shock. I had been complaining to Trainer Paul about how the scale hasn't hardly moved (only 3lbs) and he asked me about my heating habits. I said that I was eating better but not perfect. He gave me "the look" on that answer and asked if I had taken any measurements. I said I was going to when I got home. I'm SO glad I took the original set at the beginning of the month!

I guess if I have some good news I have to share some bad news too... The only bad news I can think of is I forgot to take a picture of my workout on Monday. I can't even remember what it was... oops. But here is the rest of the week:

This is the warm up. We do this set warm up all week and it gets changed every week. It's nice to know at least part of the workout ahead of time. We had to do that 5 times, not 3.

Here is Wednesday's workout:

SMBX = Super Man Back Extensions

So lay on your belly with your arms out like Superman. Now lift everything off the ground but your belly. Kinda like a backward sit up.

I had to do a 20meter bear crawl, then 25 reach through and then 25 crunches is one set. I had to do as many sets as I could in 20 min. Trainer Paul wanted 6 sets, I ALMOST did 8. I think i went over by about 20 seconds. He let me count the last set though. :)

AMRAP = As Many Reps As Possible

So Fridays are called Bench Mark Fridays. You pick a workout and try and beat the best time on the board. Trainer Paul picks mine and this week it was the 5k row. Yes. 5,000 meters. 3.11 miles. 3.11 MILES! I didn't take the time to think about it that way, so I picked out a rower, Paul set the distance, and off I went.

About a 1,000 meters in I wasn't so impressed with his decision. Trainer Paul wanted me to do no slower than a 2 min 30 sec per 500meter pace. For the most part I did better than that, but then the last 1,000 meters came. I was tired. I paused a few times up till then but tried to keep it to a minimum.

Right around the half way mark some nut job walked by smoking a joint. Paul then called the cops, which is what I would have done too. So he's on the phone and I get down to about 1,800 metres left. I yell at him to get it going. Around 1,000 meters I yell at him again to get his butt over and help me. He's still on the phone with 911 and I'm dying. He tells me I need to do the fasted 1,000 meters I have ever done. I snorted and keep on going.

As I get to 500 meters I start getting really tired. My neck is cramping, my back is cramping, my legs are tied, my hands are all sweaty, I'm dripping sweat off my head, I'm grunting with each pull. (I'm sure the 911 operator was wondering what the hell was going on in the background, but I didn't care.) I'm trying to give it my all to beat the goal of less than 24 minutes. I ended up at 24 min 5 sec. SO CLOSE! I think one or two less pauses and I would have had it.

I didn't make Trainer Paul's goal of less than 24 minutes, BUT I did make it on the board!!!

That's right! 3rd best woman in THE WHOLE GYM!

After a rest Trainer Paul wanted me to do some Olympic weight lifting. My arms, hands, and legs were pretty shaky so we didn't do it in the end. I kinda wish I had done something. I guess that means I get to do something this evening. :)

So, that was my week. Lot's of positive things this week! I hope next week brings more good new things!

And so we go.

Me

Tired...

let me start of by saying, doing CrossFit 2 days in a row KICKED MY BUTT. I have moved as quickly as a slug today!. I am pretty sore too. I will fit something in on Saturday, not sure what or when, but it'll happen.

So here is yesterday's workout:

I was really tired from my daughter getting up super early and I was an emotional wreck over a personal issue. Needless to say, my brain wasn't at the gym even though my body was.

Doing the body builders was very hard. It started out at 75, then before I started he lowered it to 65, then as I was going along and my time was getting worse and worse, he lowered it to 50. I worked hard for those 50, but I wish I would have been able to do more. Calories burned: 463

Here is another weird thing, I have never sweat so much in my life. I thought it was a fluke, but today was just as bad. I wonder why. Why after about 12 workouts am I sweating like a pig about to be butchered?

I went back today (Thursday) beause Trainer Paul is going to Crossfit Regionals for the next three days. I've seen the videos, they are hard core man! Good luck to Trainer Paul!

Here is today's workout:
After warmup I had to push a big ass tractor tired around the outside of the building. One lap was 500 meteres, I got to do 2 laps. I was able to get it going pretty good on the straight parts, but I have no clue how to get it around the corners. It was kinda fun, in a way, I liked pretending it was a big Price is Right wheel and I was spining it to get on the Showcase Showdown. I did each lap at 6min 12seconds. (the frist time in the photo below). At least I was consistent.

After the warm up and tire push I then had to do 1min of crunchs and 1min of flutter kicks without stopping or putting my feet down for 3 rounds. EEEK! My abs are rather sore from that. I forgot to keep count becuase I was too busy trying to survive it!

After the warm up, tire push, crunches/flutter kicks came the workout. Yeah. Haven't started the workout yet. Today I got to play with kettle bells! I was a little excited until Trainer Paul told me to get a 35 pound one! Yikes! With the kettle bell was box jumps. When I did box jumps the last time I used a 12" box. I told him that I was able to do them but they were kinda easy. WRONG THING TO SAY! (hahaha) So he busted out the 16" box. let me tell you, that 4" makes a difference. My abs were already sore, and I was reminded every time I jumped.

Here is what the work out was:
21/15/9
I had to do 21 kettle bell swings and 21 box jumps, then 15 kettle bells and 15 box jumps, then 9 of each. I did that in 11 min 52 sec (the 2nd time in the photo above).

Trainer Paul thought I should have been able to do it in 10 min or less. I started off ok, but then I let my brain get in my way. I thought in my head the kettle bell was too heavy and so it was. I thought the box was too high and so it was. I never fell on the box or lost control of the bell, but it was quite a lot of mental issues going on there.

Plus I was sweating like a pig again! is that normal? I have no idea, I'll have to ask around. :)

Calories burned: 555

And so we go,
me

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

I think that line a lot when I work out. My goal for every workout used to be to just finish. Now I like to get a good time. I still get a little scared when I walk into workout because I have no idea what I'm going to be doing. I guess I'm not all that into surprises. Who knew?!?!

Here is Friday's workout:

My first round was 6:30, my second was 6, and my third was 6:38. Not too bad! (assuming I did my math correctly...)

Calories burned: 467

Here is today's workout:

So, the first half was to do 100 jumping pull ups as fast as I can. BUT at every minute mark I had to stop and do 5 squats. THEN I had to run 400 meters forward and then run 400 meters backwards, twice. Running backwards is HARD! It really works your legs in a different way than you are used to. Try it, you'll see.

Burned 460 calories.

I did better on my eating today but then I totally jacked it up at dinner. I really want to see the scale move. Just a little. Preferably down. I think it will soon. Or at least I hope it will. All I can do is make better decisions every time I eat something.

And so we go
Me

Time for weights!

Trainer Paul asked how sore I was today and I told him my thighs and abs are sore (you know, from this workout) so we got to play with some weights today.

Here is a quick video of the three lifts I did.

I started out with just the bar. Sounds easy, right? The bar it's self is 45 pounds. So the shoulder press was easy compared to the Push Press and the Push Jerk. Each one I did correctly he then added weight and went onto the next one.

By the time I was done I did a 100 pound Push Jerk. Whoo hoo!!! It took me several trys but I worked through over thinking it and finally got it. Trainer Paul was rating each one on a scale of 1 - 10. My last one (the 100lbs one) was a 9. I started at a 3. He wanted it a little cleaner but hells bells I had to fight to get that 100lbs up!

He had to tape my wrists about half way through the workout. I had no idea they could hurt so bad! Taping really helped the pain. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to do anything today because of sore wrists, but they feel good. (THANK GOD!) I'm pretty sure my soreness is mostly from Monday's workout, but that might change tomorrow!

I got gel's on my fingernails on Friday (I NEVER paint my nails, just my toes) it was fun to see my red hot nails holds that 100lbs bar! (hee hee) I liked the juxtaposed girlyness of my fingers and the weight bar. It made me giggle a little.

And so we go
~me

Oh, and PS I added a video to the dead lift post from Friday so you can see what I'm talking about.

I'm worth it.

So in weighing myself EVERY morning I have only lost 2lbs since I started CrossFit. A) I know I shouldn't weigh myself daily, but i can't help myself, and B) my eating is still out of control.

I love me some hamburgers and fries! I know I can still have these bad for me but most delicious foods, I just can't have them everyday like I want. I clearly take the time to workout, so I also need to take the time to eat healthy. I can do it. I know how to do it, so why the hell don't I? I guess I just need to give myself permission.

I feel SO much stronger than before I started CrossFit. (Did ya see the post about dead lifting 221lbs?!?!?!) I actually feel like a strong person inside a fat suit. This fat suit is getting in the way of everything! It's physically in the way of working out and finding cute fun clothes. It's emotionally in the way of me feeling good about myself. So, it's time.

I now grant you permission to eat food that will allow you to loose weight and feel better. This will not be a temporary food change but a lifelong struggle to decide that by eating healthy you are telling yourself you're worth it.

Yes it will be a lot of work. Yes you will have to count calories, weigh your food, and not eat so many hamburgers. But you are worth it.

Just in case you didn't get it, that was me giving me permission. :)

Here is today's workout:

1600 meter run is a mile. I ran it non-stop. I am used to running on a treadmill and it sets the pace for me, and this way I had to set my own pace. That was a first.

I used a 8lb ball for the wall balls. That is where you hold the ball in both hands below your chin, squat, then throw the ball to hit a line that is 10' off the ground. Now do that 10 times in a row. After 10 of those do a normal sit up but with a 10lb ball. Start laying on your back with the ball above your head and do a sit up with it in your hands. Have the ball touch the ground in between your knees. You use the weight of the ball to hellp you sit up. Now do all that 10 times.

Plus I burned 476 calories on this workout. I'm pretty tired tonight...

Dead Lift

So, today was the day to break out the weights. I have been wondering when we would get to play with those. :) They do some Olympic lifting exercises at the gym. Today I learned how to dead lift. Basically you stand in front of a bar with weights, squat and then stand up. This is the simple version, there is definitely technique involved but that's the general idea.

After my 400 meter run and 800 meter row for my warm up I was thought how to dead lift. I was able to do 221 pounds! Paul wouldn't tell me how much any of the lifts weighted until after I maxed out. I tried to do 241 pounds, but just couldn't get the last little bit. I could stand up with it but not get tall enough to get my shoulders back. So close, but not quite. But, holy hell 221 pounds is really good! Paul the trainer was pretty impressed. :)

Here's my workout after all that...

I burned a total for 451 calories for this workout. Lots of cardio today. Still not easy, as you can see with my times of the row getting slower each time. Oh well, at least I'm able to do the workouts and feel good after.

Back at it

Ok, so after the child was able to stop puking and got better I was able to get back to the gym. I missed 3 sessions because she was so sick. I think it was the most sick she has ever been. Poor thing. But she is back to normal now and life goes on.

I worked out on Friday May 27th. Here is my workout and times:

Yeah, jump rope 100 times, row 100 meters then do that 200 times 200 meter row, etc.  That took me 28 min and 4 seconds. My calf's where rather pissed off while I was doing it, but I got it done. :)

Oh, and I burned 347 calories...

So, that brings me to today's workout. :)

Yep. I did all that. My leg muscles are a little tired, but good. My trainer said that this was my best workout yet, PLUS I burned 485 calories! YAY!!!

It's been a week

I woke up yesterday and my first thought was when can I get a workout in. I then gave in and had McDonald's for lunch. Talk about UGH. I was feeling so good all morning and could hardly sit still, and then after lunch I didn't want to get off the couch. Talk about a huge swing!

I went to 24 hour fitness around 4pm. Cassie got some playtime at the kids area, and I got a 40 min cardio workout in. I did burn 500 calories durning that little workout. That did help me get over my couch potato feeling.

OH! The other thing I did yesterday was rejoin Weight Watchers. I think it'll be easier to tack my food and help with the weight loss. Yay!

So I did today's workout and although it was tough (it will ALWAYS be tough) I did pretty good.

 

Warm up:
100 Jumping jacks
800 Meter run - and of course it started raining as soon as I got to the gym. It was a nice wet run. :)

Ok, so here is how you read this. AWU = Active Warm Up, this is the second warm up. I did 42 (see the number next to my name?) medicine ball sit ups in 3 minutes.

Then came the workout. I had to do 20 squats, 20 meter bear crawl (put both feet and hands on the ground with your butt up in the air, now walk), 20 crunches and then 200 meter row. I did that 3 times in 15 minutes 30 seconds (see that time next to the 42 next to my name?). And I burned 452 calories. Yipeeeee!

I wonder what workout I'm going to do tomorrow. Probably cleaning... :)

And so we go.
~me

Painful weekend

I had no idea that I could ever be that sore from a workout. Geez. It was a tough couple of days, but I came through it. Some how.

My trainer saw me with my daughter at Target on Saturday. He could tell I was in a good deal of pain. He didn't want to approach me because he was worried what I would say in front of his daughter. I know I wouldn't have said anything that was rated R, but he didn't know that. I keep thinking of him seeing me hobbling around, looking like a stroke patient, and just knowing I was in pain, and all I do is laugh. He probably the only person in the world to know exactly why I was walking the way I was. I can only imagine what his expression was or what he was thinking, I just chuckle when I think of that.

He said that the goal there isn't to kill us, but to make us stronger. He doesn't like to hear the other trainers talk about the complaints other gym rats have. I told him several times that I want to work out hard, but I have a 3 1/2 yo and I need to function. He's cool with that. BUT, we didn't really know what my limit was. And I want to work hard so I just take what ever he gives me. I think we both learned something.

Today's workout was as fallows:

Warm-up
50 jumping jacks
800 m run

Active Warm-up
500 m row (2:06)
After the row he showed me the board of the top 5 women and men in all their categories that they keep track of. I did my 500 m in 2 minutes 06 seconds. If I did that on Friday I would have made the top 5 women. I am actually number 6, but they only do 5. SO CLOSE! I'll get on that board soon! It's nice to in my third workout and know that I am already good at something there. :)

Workout (14:43)
100 single jump rope
100 m run
Do that 6 times
I got through 5 times, my legs were just too tired. I did it in 15 minutes 23 seconds.

I then did a 500 m row for my cool down.

My legs are still store, but SO much better. Every step I take still has pain with it, but I can walk like a normal person now. Even up and down the stairs!!

Burned 400 calories according to my Bodybugg.

And so we go.
~me

Workout results...

Ok. So. I had no idea that they put your workout results on the GINORMOUS white board for all to see. I was a little heart broken to see a DNF (did not finish) for my workout on Wednesday. But I got over it when I saw other DNF's too. I wasn't the only one and that made me feel a little better. :)

I am having a real hard time walking today. My legs are like jelly! I feel like I'm only being held up with my bones! (Thank god for them!) I had to crawl on all fours to get up the stairs to take a shower. I couldn't even put my underwear or jeans on without sitting down. I then had slide down the stairs on my butt to get back down. Kinda humbling. But I didn't DNF! And I'm now clean.

I burned 425 calories as per my Bodybugg during the workout. I already can't wait for my message on Sunday...

I'm Done...

So about 2 weeks ago I went to Palm Springs for a MOMS Club event and I stayed overnight at a friends house. One of my Mommy friends carpooled with me and we had hours of conversation. I loved it.

One of then things we talked about was why can't I get off my butt and do what I know how to do and loose this weight. All of my immediate family members are all loosing weight, why can't I get motivated to do the same? I have asked many people this question over the years and I get no answer. My Mommy friend didn't have an answer either. Bummer.

After some thought about this I realized that I have to come up with the answer myself. It's not a question anyone but me knows the answer. Again, bummer. This means some time thinking and reflecting, not always an easy or welcome exercise. But I did it.

A few days later I was walking in Khols (department store) and I realized I can not wear any of the cute clothes. Not even any of the workout clothes. Oh, yes, they do have a "Womens" section but it is far from flattering or cute. That is when I realized I was done with this body. Done. I practically ran to my car and emailed my Mommy friend. Here is what I told her:

Ok, so after many conversations this weekend I am done with being overweight (fat). I just went shopping at Kohls and walking around wanting to wear the cute clothes but having the internal dialog of "Nope. Can't wear that. Too fat for that. All the fat girl clothes are UGLY."

I'm done. I'm done with talking that way, of thinking that way. It's time to fight for me. I don't feel good in my own skin. I can't just bend over and tie my shoe! So I'm going to get serious with making me feel good.

In talking about it for so long, and asking everyone why can't I fight for me, I realized that I was really asking everyone for permission to put my name on the list. No one gave it. Then I realized I had to give it to myself. I was looking outside of me when I should have been looking inside.

Holy shit. All that from 20 minutes inside Kohls. :)

Seriously. Holy crap. All that from 20 min inside Kohls. I wrote that email while sitting in my car because I needed to get that realization out as soon as I could. I sent that email on Monday May 2nd. I then went to my local CrossFit and joined on Monday May 9th and signed up! (For those of you who don't know what CrossFit is, here is a website for you www.crossfitie.com.)

Yeah. Um. What the hell did I just do? I was SO intimidated just watching the videos on their website. Talk about hard core. I scheduled my first workout for Wednesday. Yeah, today. I spent the rest of the day on Monday and then ALL DAY on Tuesday thinking about what they are going to make me do. I had a lot of self doubt. Am I going to be able to do ANYTHING? What happens if I throw up? Why did I do this? Am I worth this?

So I walked in to the "gym" on time and ready to roll. I am so out of shape that I didn't do much of a workout before I felt really light headed and then nauseous. After I got over all that I continued. It then happened again. My trainer said "you don't look good" and then sent me home with the warning that I might puke at home and it's ok. I didn't. (yay!) After some chill time I took and shower, ate lunch, and picked up my daughter.

I tried really hard to keep my self talk positive while working out. I think I did pretty good. I tried and completed almost everything the trainer asked of me. It might have taken me 3 times longer to do it than I wanted, but I tried my best. When the trainer told me to go home I almost wanted to cry because I thought I didn't do very good and I wanted to keep going. But, it really was for the best to leave.

My trainer said this should be the worst I feel. I won't feel so bad on Friday. Yep, I am going back on Friday. Actually, I'll be going 3 days a week. Hopefully more in the future.

And so we go.
~Me

BMI

I was talking to my mom the other day and her weight loss goal was to get her BMI (Body Mass Index) below 25. She is at 24.7. YAY! Congrats Mom!

So it got me thinking. What's my BMI? So I Googled a BMI calculator and added my height and weight into it and came up with 34.9.

Here is what the web site said about my BMI:
Height: 5 feet, 11 inches
Weight: 250 pounds
Your BMI is 34.9, indicating your weight is in the Obese category for adults of your height.
For your height, a normal weight range would be from 133 to 179 pounds.
People who are overweight or obese are at higher risk for chronic conditions such as high blood pressure, diabetes, and high cholesterol.

Rather depressing.
 
So, I need to loose about 100 pounds. Holy crap.
 
Do you ever feel so overwhelmed you are paralyzed? That's me. Right now. A part of me wants to take the easier way out and get lap band or something like that. But I also know that I need to deal with the emotional part of why I am this big or I will just end up right back here. I am working on that, or at least I'm trying to.
 
Getting my house organized and looking the way I wanted was overwhelming, but I was able to get a large part of my house decluttered/cleaned by going one room at a time. It's a lot closer now than ever before. So why can't I do that in my weight life too?
 
My brother, sister, mom and dad are all loosing weight. Each for their own reasons, but they are doing it, except me. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy and excited for all of them, but what the hell is my problem? Why do I keep coming up with excuses not to go to the gym? Why am I not able to see that I am worth it?
 
I guess I'm scared. Scared of the work. Scared of what people are thinking as I jiggle my way through another workout. Scared of never being happy with myself. Scared of what my husband will think of me. Scared of what I will think of me. Scared of what the world will think of me. Will I like me? What will it be like to live life as a thin person?
 
I have been overweight for over 15 years. I cried when I realized that. I'm 34. 15 years is almost half my life. It's just so sad. I have let this weight issue rule my life for too long. I guess what I'm saying that I am ready. Ready to become the person I'm scared to become. Ready to put my name on the list too. I think....
 
~me
 
PS ~ did you notice I put my starting weight in this post? :) talk about UGH!

Letting go...

So, after my last post I have done a lot of talking (thanks mom!) about my trigger and A LOT of internal dialog. I have learned that I have allowed that moment in time rule my life. To control all my decisions. All of them! From what I eat to what I think of myself.

I have been so mean lately. Saying (ok yelling) not nice things at the hubby and at my daughter. After realizing all the behavioral issues I have been having with my daughter are directly related to how mean I have been to her. Poor thing. How could she understand that it wasn't  her fault. I wasn't actually angry with her but at some woman she has never met (and I haven't seen 16 years!).

Once I realized this, I changed. I do still yell, but it's not a (multiple) daily thing anymore. I have replaced that with positive reinforcement. She does something she's suppose to (asked or not) she gets a high five and I acknowledge that fact. She is a whole new kid and I am a whole new Mommy. She doesn't hit me (or her friends) any more, she smiles and laughs more, and is just happier all around.  (YAY!!!)

I have been doing a little internal personal discovery. I visualized a yellow balloon filled with helium. It even had a white string. I then attached all my negative thoughts, energy, and feelings to that white string. After I attached all of that "bad stuff" I let the balloon go. I watched it float up higher and higher until I couldn't "see" it anymore. I gave all that negative stuff back to where it came from. Boy do I feel SO much better! More human. More balanced. More normal.

I was watching Oprah the other day and this is what she said about forgiveness. "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." Once I chewed on that for a while I realize how true it is. I can't change the past. I can only move forward. (Another thing Mom and I talked about. Thanks Mom!) So, after imagining that yellow balloon, filling it with all that "bad stuff", and letting it go I am doing everything I can to be happy.

Now that I have announced how happy I am, why the hell is my eating out of control the last 2 weeks? Why can have a really great day (like Monday) where I was in an amazing mood/spirit and then eat like a cow? Why have I given myself permission to eat what I want when I want? UGH!

I have finally given myself permission to go to the gym with my daughter. It's not a bad thing to put her in the daycare area for an hour or two while I workout. She loves to make friends and the daycare area is a good time for her. It's a win win. Now I just need to fallow through with that...

Well, I guess that's all for now... thanks for reading. :)

Trying to move on

Ok so, I think calling myself a victim in my last post was the wrong word. I wasn't attacked, hurt (physically), or some other horrible event. My trigger for my depression was pretty tame compared to what it could have been.

After some reflection I realize I wasn't a victim. I just happen to be at the wrong end of a decision. I completely understand her decision and the reason for it.

It wasn't fair. (I am ALL about fair.) I wasn't able allowed to confirm with her my change in plans so I would have been completely available to work at the camp all summer. (That's the whining portion of the program.)

Even with my ability to rationalize everything, I am still very angry. I'm disappointed that I wasn't allowed participate in what I believed (and still do) with all my heart was going to be an amazing summer. A summer where I was going to be able to help a kid some how. I could have made an impact in someones life. Somehow.

But in the end I wasn't allowed to do that. I ended up wallowing in self pity and unable to do anything that summer.

That one decision that one person made changed me. I stopped participating in life. I quit school because I couldn't keep my grades up high enough to justify paying tuition. I quit going out with friends. It was very difficult to get out of bed. I didn't even want to try and live. I was done with trying as I saw it.

In the end I took 2 years off of school. I worked full time and lived at home because I was unable and unwilling to move on.

I did though. I moved on. Slowly. Painfully. I now have an amazing daughter and wonderful husband. I am SO blessed to be a stay at home mom. We live in a great house and my husband has his dream job.

I have hope. Joy. Love. Never ending love. Love for my family and friends, but no so much for myself. I'm working on it though. I'm trying. And in the end, that's all I can do.

My Victim Story

Why o why do I self sabotage? I have been doing great for 2 weeks by loosing 2lbs each week. I have spent so much time in getting my house organized and cleaned up. I have been happier over all, no quite so mean or yelling quite so much.

So with all that great work I have been doing (on myself and my environment) why the HELL did I think it was ok to get 2 bags (YES 2 BAGS) of candy and not eat it all in one sitting??? Ok so I did do better and not eat it all in one sitting, but I ate both bags within 5 days. That is way too much candy.

By giving myself permission to have the candy (even with restrictions) I also allowed myself to indulge in other horrible for me foods. I have not had as much salad, or fruit, or all the other goody foods.

Why can't I let myself succeed? Why do I feel the need to be a victim? Ooooo let's explore the victim thing for a moment. I think to explore this victim thing we have to go back to the beginning. What happened to me to trigger the weight gain.

In 1995 I was offered a job at a local camp for the summer. Basically I got the job on Wednesday, graduated high school on Saturday and moved to the camp on Monday. Let's just say that my life was perfect in my eyes at that time. I was able to graduate high school (it was a little ify there for a bit) and then get offered my dream job right after. What could be better? It was a GREAT summer.

So the next summer I applied and was offered and accepted the job again (I was a lifeguard so I didn't have my own kids, but I got to spend lots of time with all the kids). After the interview I let my boss know that I would have to miss a few days because of a vacation that was already planned. One of the conditions of the job was some extra training from the Red Cross. Ok no big deal. I was in communication with the Red Cross and trying to get signed up for classes.

I then received a letter in the mail. It was a rejection letter letting me know that the job that I was offered and accepted was being taken away from me. Of course I called my boss and spoke to her to let her know that A) the vacation fell through and so I didn't need any time off and B) I was in the process of taking the classes she required. She told me she would think about it and get back to me. She never called.

I was devastated.

I was given the gift of have another perfect summer, and then to have that yanked out of my hands for reasons that were out of my control. This utter and complete devastation caused a major depression. A depression I still live with to this day. The depression triggered the weight gain. I was a size 10 and went straight to a 14. I put so much weight on so fast I skipped a COMPLETE dress size. I still remember trying on jeans and having to tell my Mom to get the next size up because a 12 didn't fit. I felt utterly devastated. Again.

So I have be battling depression and my weight since 1996. 15 years. I have let this woman completely change the direction of my life. I have be trying to find that piece of my soul that died for 15 years. I am still very bitter and angry at her. What really just gets my goat, I have no doubt she has no clue what that one decision did to me.

I have about 100 lbs to loose now because of a decision one person made 15 years ago. I am now a size 20. My clothes are twice the size they were before this event changed me. When I fold my laundry I am still amazed at how large my pants are. When I see myself in pictures I am flabbergasted at how big I am because in my minds eye am still the size 10 I was back then. I have been on and off several different depression medicines, seen several therapists and yet, I'm still devastated.

I wish I could let all that negative energy go.

How can I move on?

Time to start again

Ok so I thought I needed to start blogging a little more. I just read an article about people who lost a lot of weight and how they blogged about it. So I thought, "What the hell, lets give it a try". Soooo here we go...

I started Weight Watchers online about 2.5 weeks ago. I am only doing online and I don't go into meetings. So far I have lost 4.2lbs. (yay me!) I have averaged 2lbs a week, which is what I hear is what you are suppose to do. I started out at 255lbs. I am now down to 250.8lbs and my next little goal is to get below 250lbs next week. Oh, and I'm a size 20 or XXL in clothes.

Yes I still go out to lunch 3 or 4 times a week. I do choose smarter meals, but I also have had fastfood (I still LOVE McDonalds). I track every french fry and when I use up most of my points I go for a salad, or some other low point meal for dinner. Even if I am not very hungry at dinner time, then I will just have a big snack/small meal. I have only gone over my daily allotment of points twice since I started.

I have not started working out yet. I do feel the need to, so now it's time to work that in. I'm just not sure exactly when that will happen. I think in the evenings are going to be best.

At the same time I joined Weight Watchers I have started to clean and declutter my house. I am a pack rat. Not quite to the hoarder level, but I could probably get to that point if I let myself. I love stuff! You never when you might need that one little thing, so I HAVE to keep it. I am trying really hard to donate or get rid of lots of stuff. So far, I'm doing pretty good. There is a pretty good pile for the dump and another good one to be donated.

I think this year is going to be about taking control of my life. My emotional life. My home life. My child's life (hahahah I know, pretty funny right?!??!). I have let how my house make me feel like crap for far too long. I have a lot of stuff. It's time to get out from under it. It's time to clean all the nooks and crannies of the house. Time to unload my physical space of useless clutter so I can unload my emotional space of useless thoughts.

I am so amazed at how much better I feel since I started this project. Self discipline is (and always has been) an problem for me. I forced myself to vacuum and mop the floor last Monday night. I REALLY didn't want to clean the floor at 8:30pm. I was tired and I had been putting it off for weeks (I had been spot cleaning the floor). But, I did it. I woke up Tuesday morning with such a light heart. I didn't have to do any chores that day before my dinner party. My daughter and I were able to spend the day playing instead of me stressing out over needing to mop the floor and then being disappointed in myself when I didn't get it done except for the minimum spot cleaning.

So this blog is how I'm going to help myself unload my emotional clutter. I will keep you updated on all my ups and downs. I hope you're ready! I'm so excited to see what is to come!