I sit on the sofa, like I do for most of the day, wondering what it will take to get me motivated to go to the gym. I really do have all the motivation and knowledge to do what I need to do. I know what I need to do, what to eat, work out. I even have the time to workout.
So why don't I do it?
I wish I can say "I don't know", but deep down I think I do know.
I'm scared.
Scared of the work. Scared of what feeling good is like. Scared that loosing the weight will change who I am.
Wow. I said it. I'm scared that loosing the weight will change who I am. But what does that mean? How is that a bad thing? I think part of me (ok. probably a large part of me) will wake up and realize that I'm a (very) unhappy person and part of that is because of my marriage. (Wow! I said it!)
I have all the motivation in the world. My daughter. I want to wear my wedding ring again, (my real one hasn't fit for over a year now). I don't want to be disgusted when I see myself in the mirror. I don't want to have to put my pants all the way on the floor every time I have to wipe my ass (sorry for being graphic, but it's the truth). I want to fit into a seat in the airplane. I want to be proud of myself. Most of all, I don't want Cass growing up ashamed of me. Of me not being able to do the things she wants to do because of my weight.
So, what do I do? I think for now I have to work on myself and deal with my marriage later. I just hope that I am strong enough to save both.
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