Who am I to think that I am worthy of being a parent. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter with every fiber of my body. I would gladly die for her. Now, here is the huge but. BUT there are days (like today) where I feel like no matter what I do isn't good enough.
Who judges me you ask? I do. My daughter does. My family does. My friends do. Random strangers do. It's all very stressful, overwhelming....never ending.
Who am I to think that I am qualified to teach this one little person everything she needs to be a well rounded, caring, thoughtful, successful, strong, smart woman who is able to navigate herself through life? What have I done to warrant this much responsibility? What class or life experience have I had to allow me to teach her all of this?
These are the questions that run through my mind almost continuously. Not only do I feel under qualified to teach this gift in my life right from wrong, morals, and how to be a good person, but I feel like I am failing. Not matter how hard I try. I feel like I'm failing.
I have one child. One. Why can't I keep the house cleaned, keep my child happy, and have dinner on the table by 6? I see mom's who have more than one child do it. Why can't I? Failure.
My daughter, for some reason, doesn't like to keep her clothes on. No matter how hard I try, she is naked more often then not. Failure.
I spend half the day counting down the minutes until her nap time and bed time. I just need some peace and quiet and some alone time. What a horrible person I am to want to send my kid to bed early just so I don't have to deal with them? Failure.
What time I do spend with her in between preschool three days a week, nap times, bed times, play dates, etc. I have many, many Mommy Meltdowns. I get so frustrated I yell. Way more than I should. Failure.
Her eating habits are overwhelmingly bad. I have a hard time getting her to eat breakfast so by lunch she is a starving evil demon. When she does eat it's chicken nuggets for lunch and dinner. Failure.
I could go on, by why?
Let me just say that I have been battling with depression for 14 years. A lot of the feeling of never being good enough comes from that. I have struggled with overwhelmingly negative feelings for all those years. When I get overwhelmed like this, I just want to stay home and do nothing. I don't want to clean, work out, deal with anyone (let alone my child), or even get the mail. I do come out of the "fog" after a while, but it takes time. In the end, I'm tired of this.
I know that I am doing something right. Well, at least CPS hasn't come by yet. She is, for the most part, a very happy girl. She is super smart and says things just to make me laugh. She will randomly say "I love you Mom" so I'm pretty sure she does.
So, how do I dig myself out of the black hole of depression I got myself into? I think I'm going to try going to gym regularly. It should help with getting my serotonin levels a little more normal. If after a couple of months I don't feel better, then it's time for medicine.
So, here we go. I'm gong to back into my canoe and paddle down the river of life. It's time to start moving forward. It's OK to look back and see where you have come from, but don't forget to look ahead too.
7 comments:
It has always sadden me to hear some of the things I see on your post, to know you are not happy. I would love to share my in-sights with you but I am afraid you won't like my 2 cents. Yes, I have kept a lot out of our conversations of how I feel to spare you more pain. I think you are smart and will figure things out. Cassie is not a failure and you are not either. You need a partner who wants to help you with Cassie. Why do you feel like you have to be everything for her and yourself? There is nothing wrong with wanting to be first in someone's eyes (and Cassie is not it) but there needs to be a balance. Is there a balance in your life? I would guess no, by your blog. I feel like you are crying for help by posting this online for the world to see. Who's attention are you trying to get? Email me if you want to chat more about this. I am here like always. Maybe I am part of the problem for you, if so, I hope you have a close friend to chat with. Love Steph
OK, listen to me... YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! You are an awesome person doing an amazing job with that little girl. Who gives a shit if she likes to be naked!? My kids say the word poop, pee, and boobs every other word! And Im not kidding. So what if the house isn't clean? Im serious Adrienne, some people are freaky house cleaning people and some aren't... just cause you aren't does not make you a failure! So she eats like shit. Well, let me assure you that my children have not gone a day with out Mac n' cheese for MONTHS!
Look, being a Mom is hard no matter how many kids you have. And I know this... it was hard when it was just Jack and its hard with Jack, Charlie, and Max. Just cause you only have one kid does not mean things should be easier and come more naturally.
You have got to give your self some major credit. Your the fucking president of the Eastvale MOMS Club for Christ's sake! You rock and there are a lot of people in this community who love you very much. Me included!
And about the depression thing. I have struggled with MAJOR depression and anxiety issues since I was 11 years old... if not longer. I was so hesitant to take meds. PPD was what finally got me to take them and let me just say...NIGHT AND DAY! Give it a try. I am telling you. Give em'2 weeks and you will wonder why you hadn't done it sooner. It has changed my life as well as the lives of my children. Do not underestimate how much your depression problem plays a major role in your every day life. Getting it under control is life changing. Trust me. There is NOTHING wrong with seeking help.
P.S.
I think your totally on your own and thats not fair. For God's sake, Bruce sat in a corner with his headphones on for the whole of Cassie's birthday party. Didn't say a damn word to anyone. What the hell is that all about? Its NOT ok. Sorry, I just had to say it.
I applaud you for shouting out!!! I can't tell you how many times a day I feel like a failure mom / wife / worker / being. My kids have had hot dogs as some part of a meal four times in three days. The house is destroyed, most days I feel it's a futile attempt to even try to pick anything up let alone clean under the crap. I think you are strong in realizing you need help and reaching out rather than drowning silently. BRAVO! No shame in meds to balance things out, no guilt with a housekeeper cleaning the floors and toilets, and no shame with a naked kid. Most days it takes me over half an hour to get K to put on just her underwear. I wish we lived closer ~ hugs from two states away! Love you and you are SO worth it. Jenni
This post was in no way a slam on my husband. It's about me and my strugle. Yes in the past I have talked about issues with my husband, but that was not my intent with this post.
would you feel less of a failure if you heard from the only other person who lives with you 'good job' on anything? If so, how can this not be linked to him? If he does say it, then why do you still feel like a failure?
You can not sit there and say that you have never felt like a failure as a mom. I believe every mom at one point or another felt this way. That is how I fel yesterday. Taking care of my daughter is my job and the most important job I have ever had. I was feeling a lot of pressure that I put on myself. It had nothing to do with weither or not my husband is helping me enough or not. That is a different issue and not one I was talking about in this post. I was talking about me. ME. and how I was feeling at the time.
I write this blog because putting thoughts and feeling into words is a lot easier than to speak them. It allows me to say things I probably wouldn't say aloud and get feed back from more than one person. I want people to respond but please don't twist my intent in a post into something it wasn't.
Thank you.
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