I have never been a writer. Maybe because it was always forced on me in school, or because in my mind I'm not able to write because I'm dyslexic. But I keep thinking of this blog and getting back into writing. I actually enjoy it and my soul loves it.

I've learned I'm really good at putting a label or a limit on myself and believe it whole heartedly. Such as, I have dyslexia so I can't possibly be a writer, or when my coach gives me a goal I think there is no way I can do that. I allow myself to get in my own way. I know this and yet I still allow it.

I keep thinking that I can't do something, like eating a certain way, but then I do it. All the while I keep thinking I can't do it. I know how to eat, what to eat, when to eat AND that's what I'm doing. I have more energy, I'm physically stronger and starting to loose weight (again). I'm doing it. Seriously. I am. So why can't I just sit back and allow the process to happen? Why must I fight it? Doubt it? Have no faith in it?

If my coach sets a goal, like a time he wants me to beat, I hear that number and then think "there's no way". Most times I'm right (because I allow that to be right), sometimes I'm not. Like on Thursday. Coach gave me a time he thought would be tough to beat, and I beat it by 20 seconds. And I know that I could do it faster. I felt very empowered. I wanted to prove I could do it.

I realized the other day that if I had been eating healthy for the last 3 months I would have lost A LOT more body fat then I have. I woke up this morning and let that thought sink in some. I ate well for breakfast (Herbalife shake and tablets) and then jacked it all up after church.

You're prolly thinking "so what, you had one bad meal." Well, yes I had one bad meal (and it wasn't all THAT bad, but it wasn't great either) but then that leads into other bad eating. I came home and had several pieces of banana bread made from white flour, not paleo style. It was delicious, but my tummy is now upset from breakfast AND the "snack" after. I'm physically ill.

I have done this for the last 5 days. I eat my healthy Herbalife shake for breakfast and then all hell breaks loose after that. I vowed to myself this morning that I would be really good today, but then didn't. I get so frustrated with myself for not having the self discipline to do what I need to do.

The pastor in church today (he was a guest speaker and I forgot his name...) talked about Trusting God. Not only do I have to put my trust in God that A) this is the right thing for me, but B) it's the right thing to do. I have to have faith in the system (of eating and exercising) that it will work. Actually, I know it does. I've proven it to myself over and over and over.

So, here goes. I put all my negative feelings and thoughts into an imaginary yellow balloon then let it go. I my mind I filled that balloon with all of the bad things I think, feel, allow and then let it go. I watched it float all the way up to the clouds. (No I'm no crazy, I am a very visual person.) I'm going to give myself over to the process whole heartily and trust it will work. Do I have to be 100% perfect in my eating 100% of the time? No, probably not. But, I am a food addict and I know there will be slip ups, but one here or there isn't going to cause me to fail. I'm still learning that balance of when and how much I can eat that isn't on the plan.

I'm trying. I'm not giving up. Right now, it's literally one day at a time. I have to plan some for my upcoming vacation, but other then that. One meal and one day at a time.

I can do this.

I will succeed.

~And so we go