I'm Done...

So about 2 weeks ago I went to Palm Springs for a MOMS Club event and I stayed overnight at a friends house. One of my Mommy friends carpooled with me and we had hours of conversation. I loved it.

One of then things we talked about was why can't I get off my butt and do what I know how to do and loose this weight. All of my immediate family members are all loosing weight, why can't I get motivated to do the same? I have asked many people this question over the years and I get no answer. My Mommy friend didn't have an answer either. Bummer.

After some thought about this I realized that I have to come up with the answer myself. It's not a question anyone but me knows the answer. Again, bummer. This means some time thinking and reflecting, not always an easy or welcome exercise. But I did it.

A few days later I was walking in Khols (department store) and I realized I can not wear any of the cute clothes. Not even any of the workout clothes. Oh, yes, they do have a "Womens" section but it is far from flattering or cute. That is when I realized I was done with this body. Done. I practically ran to my car and emailed my Mommy friend. Here is what I told her:

Ok, so after many conversations this weekend I am done with being overweight (fat). I just went shopping at Kohls and walking around wanting to wear the cute clothes but having the internal dialog of "Nope. Can't wear that. Too fat for that. All the fat girl clothes are UGLY."

I'm done. I'm done with talking that way, of thinking that way. It's time to fight for me. I don't feel good in my own skin. I can't just bend over and tie my shoe! So I'm going to get serious with making me feel good.

In talking about it for so long, and asking everyone why can't I fight for me, I realized that I was really asking everyone for permission to put my name on the list. No one gave it. Then I realized I had to give it to myself. I was looking outside of me when I should have been looking inside.

Holy shit. All that from 20 minutes inside Kohls. :)

Seriously. Holy crap. All that from 20 min inside Kohls. I wrote that email while sitting in my car because I needed to get that realization out as soon as I could. I sent that email on Monday May 2nd. I then went to my local CrossFit and joined on Monday May 9th and signed up! (For those of you who don't know what CrossFit is, here is a website for you www.crossfitie.com.)

Yeah. Um. What the hell did I just do? I was SO intimidated just watching the videos on their website. Talk about hard core. I scheduled my first workout for Wednesday. Yeah, today. I spent the rest of the day on Monday and then ALL DAY on Tuesday thinking about what they are going to make me do. I had a lot of self doubt. Am I going to be able to do ANYTHING? What happens if I throw up? Why did I do this? Am I worth this?

So I walked in to the "gym" on time and ready to roll. I am so out of shape that I didn't do much of a workout before I felt really light headed and then nauseous. After I got over all that I continued. It then happened again. My trainer said "you don't look good" and then sent me home with the warning that I might puke at home and it's ok. I didn't. (yay!) After some chill time I took and shower, ate lunch, and picked up my daughter.

I tried really hard to keep my self talk positive while working out. I think I did pretty good. I tried and completed almost everything the trainer asked of me. It might have taken me 3 times longer to do it than I wanted, but I tried my best. When the trainer told me to go home I almost wanted to cry because I thought I didn't do very good and I wanted to keep going. But, it really was for the best to leave.

My trainer said this should be the worst I feel. I won't feel so bad on Friday. Yep, I am going back on Friday. Actually, I'll be going 3 days a week. Hopefully more in the future.

And so we go.
~Me