Struggle

I struggled for years with liking myself, depression, eating, gaining weight, being lazy. So now, after thinking I have all that under control I realize I never did. I started working out, eating better, even saying nice things to myself (and no putting myself down anymore). I have lost 50 pounds in 6 months. I know how to loose weight, so why have I given myself permission to stop?

As you know I have had a hard time "coming to terms" with my weight loss. I'm still at a loss as to why. I struggled for so long while putting it on, so why do I have to struggle while taking it off???

Maybe because I have lost a lot of weight so quickly? It is pretty shocking if you think about it. 50 pounds in 6 months. 8.3 pounds a month. An average of 0.25 pounds a day. Clearly my body wants to get rid of the weight. I know I am doing it the correct way. So why do I give myself permission to eat nothing but crap?

All that results from eating crap is I feel like shit and I gain weight again. My body clearly doesn't like it. I know this, but it still doesn't stop me from eating McDonalds, oreo cookies (by the handfull), or any of the other junk I have shoved into my mouth in the last week.

Is what I'm going though normal? Do most people have to stuggle this much?

It's exausting. I'm tire of struggling. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of combining my self worth with my eating.

Self Doubt Sucks...

So does knowing I disappointed Coach Paul. Disappointing anyone is really hard for me to deal with. It always has. If you want to see me crumble, just tell me you're disappointed in me. No he didn't say he was, but I know he knew I could have done better.

I SHOULD have been able to do the workout he put up on the board today. Should have. I have a mile long list of excuses as to why I couldn't. I'm good at that. Making excuses. (Who isn't really?) It was set up as a endurance WOD, so the weight was light, but I still allowed myself get in my own way.  When I first started this journey I was physically in my own way, now I'm mentally/emotionally in my own way.

Why? Why do I have to struggle so much? Why can't I just go balls to the walls and get the work done as fast as possible? What am I afraid of?Yes my muscles are going to be tired, yes it probably will hurt, yes I'll probably be tired. But all those things are temporary. I SHOULD be able to do more work faster then I have been.
 I have a good idea what my fear is about. I think it's about being fearful of success. Crazy I know. When I think of what I'll look like in another 40(ish) pounds, it kinda freaks me out. I am having a hard time visualizing what I'll look like. Plus, who looses 40 pounds in 5 months? How many people or able to get half way to their goal so quickly? I never dreamed (or even thought) I could get there so quickly.



It might also go along with my feelings on self worth. My other trainer (Coach Shawna) asked me yesterday why I was having problems with being successful, and my answer was "I never thought I could do it." That's the simple answer. The other simple answer? No self worth. Once I gained the weight I never felt worthy of feeling good about myself. Why should I feel good when I weighed 260 pounds? Why should I like myself? Why should I be happy? I didn't do anything to deserve any of the positive things that any "normal" person had. But now, now I'm working hard, eating right and loosing weight and I still feel like I don't deserve any of those things.

I feel so much better without the 40 pounds I've lost. I can physically do more things then I could before. I am much happier. I don't put myself down nearly as much as I used to. For the first time in A LONG time I actually feel like I'm not going to die young. I feel like I will live a normal length.

I think it also scares me that I can loose 80 pounds in less then a year. That's just crazy!!! I'm not on The Biggest Looser. I haven't had any surgery or anything. What person do you see all the time does this? On the other side of being successful quickly is: What the hell was I doing to myself? This tells me that I am more athletic then I ever thought I was, but I was hurting myself before by not working out/eating right/etc. Yes I was good at sports when I was younger, but that was MANY moons ago.

So with all of those positive things going for me, why am I having such a hard time accepting success? Is that what I'm having a problem with or is it something else? I don't know. I think it might be time to find a shrink to help me get over this.

I guess another part of it is I have never worked so hard for anything before. I have always taken the easy way out. Growing up I played a lot of sport. In soccer I wanted to be the goalie so I wouldn't have to run around so much (less work for me). Then when I was goalie I wouldn't dive for the ball because I was afraid of hurting myself. I was pretty good at softball, but that came naturally. I didn't really need to try hard.  I tried cross country but was never a top finished, plus it was A LOT of running (LOL) so I didn't do that again. I did swim team in high school (all 4 years), but again was always middle of the pack, so I didn't really pursue it outside of the school team.

So taking the easy road is normal for me. It's easy to go slow. It's easy to grab a lighter kettle bell. It's easier to say I worked as hard as I couldn't while not really breathing hard and know deep down I really didn't. I have been telling people that I'm slow but I get the work done. That's not good enough anymore. I want to be able to walk out of the gym and barely be able to move. That's how I know I did good enough.

I'm not used to pushing myself this hard. It's new and weird. I'm not sure I like it, but I know I need to do it. I know that if I don't push myself, no one else will. I know I won't be able to reach my goal in anything I do, not just my weight.

I choose to workout at CrossFit because it scared the crap out of me. It took me more then a month to not get nervous while driving to the gym. Now, I don't know how to workout at a normal gym. I love the place. The people are amazing. Every work out is different. I'm never bored.

Thanks for "listening". I think I just needed to lay it all out there and see what it looks like. I am still in my own way, but I guess it's a work in progress. If you have ANY thoughts, ideas, suggestions. ANYTHING please post or email it to me. If you are reading this then you are part of my life somehow, so please don't hesitate to share. (I clearly don't! LOL)

And so we go...

It's been a loooooooong time...

Holy Smokes! I haven't blogged since July??? How'd that happen? Huh, I guess time does fly.

So I'm still in the Paleo challenge that was started back in July. Crazy huh? Well, it's down to one other guy and me so they decided to extend it as a tie breaker. I really want to win the $300 so I can get some new clothes!

I have lost a total of 40 pounds so far! I am down 3 pants sizes (now a 16 was a 22) and I am typically a Large (used to be a XXLarge). YAY! Progress!

I have started to eat a Paleo type diet. I hate to call it a diet, because I always associate that word with something temporary. I plan to eat this way, for the most part, for the rest of my life. My body has responded really well to it, so why not? Within the first 18 days of eating Paleo, I lost 2 inches from around my belly. 2 FULL INCHES! It just blows my mind!

I had to give up A LOT of the foods that I love, but I feel better, my skin is better, my digestive system is WAY better. So, it's totally worth it.

So after having some great results with the working out and eating, I have slipped back into a bad eating habits. I have been hovering at my current weight for about a month now. I know it's because I am not as strict on my diet. A large part of that reason is mental.

I think I freaked myself out by being so successful so quickly. I'm still pretty overwhelmed by it. 40 pounds is very noticeable, on anyone. I get lots of comments from everyone I know. I think that's part of my mental issue. How do I accept the compliments and still feel good about myself? (OMG that is just about the dumbest question I have ever asked.) It's really hard to accept the change in my appearance in my head. I'm so used to be ashamed by how I look, it's all new territory to feel good.

I think part of my problem is that I gave myself permission to eat one or two little things, and it's turned into I can eat what ever I want. Yes, there will be times where I can eat anything, but not all the time. I am trying really hard this week to get out of my addiction to sugar. Major problem right now. I think once I get through this part of the detox I'll be in a lot better place mentally. I hope.

At the end of the day I am half way to my goal weight. My goal is to be at my goal weight by my brother's wedding in August. 293 days away. I can do it. I know I can. I just need to get back on track and commit to eating the way my body wants me to eat. I hope to loose another 10 pounds by Thanksgiving. That is my short term goal right now.

And so we go...

It's been 3 weeks...

It's been 3 weeks since my last post. Not sure why the delay, but I do know I have been pretty busy and so this was put on the back burner. I have lots of good news!

I have lost 10lbs! (finally!) YIPEEE! I know that the scale hasn't really moved because I am adding muscle while loosing fat, but it sure is nice to see the scale move. I still weigh myself daily, and I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. I'm kinda obsessed. So I'm now down 15 lbs total since January.

I feel better. I can walk up the stairs and not breath heavy at the top. I can sit and cross my legs! I know that sounds like no big deal, but I haven't been able to do that (comfortable) for over 2 years. It was raining today so I put on a pair of my jeans (fresh from the wash) and they are too big! At least around the waist. They are snug on my thighs, but I'm pretty sure that's because they are all muscle now. Ok, mostly muscle. :)

The gym is have a "Turn Mush into Muscle" contest. Basically eat any diet you want, and take a picture at the beginning of the 6 week contest, and then one at the end of the contest and who has the best change wins. It's a $20 buy in and the winner gets the whole pot. I'm doing Weight Watchers because it's easy and not too big of a change from my normal diet. I have cut out a lot of eating out, but not all of it. I am not going to do drive thru but a lunch here or there is ok.

Here are my week 1 photo's:

I know, flattering! lol I look a LOT better then when I started CrossFit.

I have also been running on the weekends. I like to do 4 miles because it takes a little under an hour. Plus I can actually do it. :) Yesterday's run was great because I'm pretty sure I could have done all 4 miles non stop. The husband and daughter go with and I have been voted to push the daughter's stroller. I'm not a fan. I don't like how I have to struggle to keep the stroller where I want it to go. Plus it changes my speed and stride. Like I said not a fan.

I will be taking more measurements on Monday. I took some prelim ones on Saturday, and let's say they are not what I expected.

and so we go...

Measurements!

I took another set of measurements on Monday. The scale still isn't moving, but the measuring tape is!

                                      June 2nd:                     July 4th:                     Difference:
Neck:                               16.5"                          15.25                        - .75"
Right Bicep:                     15"                             14"                           - 1"
Left Bicep:                      14.25"                         14"                           - .25"
Bust:                                47"                              44.5"                        - 2.5"
Bellybutton:                      46.75"                        45.5"                         - 1.25"
Right Thigh:                      27.5"                          26.75                        - .75"
Left Thigh:                        28"                             27"                            - 1"

WHOO HOOO!!!

So this was one month apart. I started about 3 weeks before the first set of measurements, so I'm sure they would be more if I had.

On Monday July 4th the gym was closed. A game of Ultimate Frisbee was set up and I decided to go. WHAT A BLAST! I had a great time! I was able to meet a bunch of other Cross Fitters who go to classes.

The only problem is on my first attempt to catch the Frisbee, I landed and rolled my ankle. It hurt for a few steps, but then the pain went away. For a little while anyway. Just after lunch it started to really hurt. Yep, I sprained it.

I had to miss workout on Wednesday because it was still pretty swollen and painful. After much icing and staying off it I was able to make it to Fridays workout. I wasn't 100% but I had a great workout.

We worked on back squats. we worked up to one squat max. I got up to 133 pounds! After that I had to do some rowing and weighted sit ups. Not so much fun, and I didn't go as fast as Trainer Paul though I should. But then again, he never does. :)

Until next week!

And so we go!
Me

6 weeks and counting

So, I started this CrossFit journey a little over 6 weeks ago. I think I will always want the progress to be faster, but I have been making progress. I can tell my lungs are stronger. My breathing has become more controlled as apposed to me sucking air as fast as I possibly can the entire time. I can walk up our stairs and not have to catch my breath at the top. I can tell my legs and arms are stronger. I am able to hold my daughter longer (she weighs about 40 lbs right now). I'm pretty sure my belly is smaller. When I look down all I see are boobs, no belly anymore. (yay!) The best part is I feel better overall. (double yay!)

As I put in this post the scale hasn't really moved much, but my measurements are moving. I will take an "official" set of measurements on Monday, so look for that update next week. The scale seemed to start moving a little this week, so that's nice to see too.

I wasn't able to get a photo of Mondays workout, Trainer Paul was too efficient in his cleaning that day.

Here's the Warm-up for the week:

Here's Wednesdays workout:



Wednesday was hard. It shouldn't have been, but I went to the gym on my own on Tuesday and I think I over did it. Plus I haven't been eating a good breakfast this week and I can really tell. Need to change that...

And here's Fridays workout:

Here is a front squat video so you know what that looks like. I got up to 95 pounds for 3 reps.
Here is a back squat video and now you know what that looks like. I got up to 120 pounds for 3 reps.

I went and got some new workout clothes this week too. I figured that I am spending all this time there I may as well have clothes that don't get in my way. I needed something that wasn't so baggy and hot. I got a bunch of tank tops and capri pants. I'm not quite ready for shorts yet. :) It was nice to not have to tuck my shirt into my pants so I didn't flash everyone, but I missed having something to wipe the sweat off my face. Guess I need to bring a towel with me for now on. I have really liked wearing tank tops and clothes that are a little tighter.

I'm going to try and get to a class workout tomorrow, not sure how my legs will feel. They are pretty tired today with all those weighted squats and then we spent the afternoon at Disneyland.

And so we go,
Me

Seeing Progress!

Ok, so a couple of things. I decided to update this about once a week, instead of 3 times a week. I thought it would make us all a little more sane.

The good news first! I took my measurements on June 2nd. I started Crossift on May 11th, so almost a month later is when I took measurements. oops! I think I didn't want to see the numbers and have to admit to myself (and the world) just how big they were. BUT ANYWAY, I did take my measurements about a month later. I just took them again on June 22nd and EVERYTHING is a half inch smaller! Each thigh, waist, hips, breast area, each bicep and my neck. I know, I know a half inch isn't much, but hell I'll take it. Especially since it was only 3 weeks after my first measurements.

YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I did a little happy dance after I got over my shock. I had been complaining to Trainer Paul about how the scale hasn't hardly moved (only 3lbs) and he asked me about my heating habits. I said that I was eating better but not perfect. He gave me "the look" on that answer and asked if I had taken any measurements. I said I was going to when I got home. I'm SO glad I took the original set at the beginning of the month!

I guess if I have some good news I have to share some bad news too... The only bad news I can think of is I forgot to take a picture of my workout on Monday. I can't even remember what it was... oops. But here is the rest of the week:

This is the warm up. We do this set warm up all week and it gets changed every week. It's nice to know at least part of the workout ahead of time. We had to do that 5 times, not 3.

Here is Wednesday's workout:

SMBX = Super Man Back Extensions

So lay on your belly with your arms out like Superman. Now lift everything off the ground but your belly. Kinda like a backward sit up.

I had to do a 20meter bear crawl, then 25 reach through and then 25 crunches is one set. I had to do as many sets as I could in 20 min. Trainer Paul wanted 6 sets, I ALMOST did 8. I think i went over by about 20 seconds. He let me count the last set though. :)

AMRAP = As Many Reps As Possible

So Fridays are called Bench Mark Fridays. You pick a workout and try and beat the best time on the board. Trainer Paul picks mine and this week it was the 5k row. Yes. 5,000 meters. 3.11 miles. 3.11 MILES! I didn't take the time to think about it that way, so I picked out a rower, Paul set the distance, and off I went.

About a 1,000 meters in I wasn't so impressed with his decision. Trainer Paul wanted me to do no slower than a 2 min 30 sec per 500meter pace. For the most part I did better than that, but then the last 1,000 meters came. I was tired. I paused a few times up till then but tried to keep it to a minimum.

Right around the half way mark some nut job walked by smoking a joint. Paul then called the cops, which is what I would have done too. So he's on the phone and I get down to about 1,800 metres left. I yell at him to get it going. Around 1,000 meters I yell at him again to get his butt over and help me. He's still on the phone with 911 and I'm dying. He tells me I need to do the fasted 1,000 meters I have ever done. I snorted and keep on going.

As I get to 500 meters I start getting really tired. My neck is cramping, my back is cramping, my legs are tied, my hands are all sweaty, I'm dripping sweat off my head, I'm grunting with each pull. (I'm sure the 911 operator was wondering what the hell was going on in the background, but I didn't care.) I'm trying to give it my all to beat the goal of less than 24 minutes. I ended up at 24 min 5 sec. SO CLOSE! I think one or two less pauses and I would have had it.

I didn't make Trainer Paul's goal of less than 24 minutes, BUT I did make it on the board!!!

That's right! 3rd best woman in THE WHOLE GYM!

After a rest Trainer Paul wanted me to do some Olympic weight lifting. My arms, hands, and legs were pretty shaky so we didn't do it in the end. I kinda wish I had done something. I guess that means I get to do something this evening. :)

So, that was my week. Lot's of positive things this week! I hope next week brings more good new things!

And so we go.

Me