Trying to move on

Ok so, I think calling myself a victim in my last post was the wrong word. I wasn't attacked, hurt (physically), or some other horrible event. My trigger for my depression was pretty tame compared to what it could have been.

After some reflection I realize I wasn't a victim. I just happen to be at the wrong end of a decision. I completely understand her decision and the reason for it.

It wasn't fair. (I am ALL about fair.) I wasn't able allowed to confirm with her my change in plans so I would have been completely available to work at the camp all summer. (That's the whining portion of the program.)

Even with my ability to rationalize everything, I am still very angry. I'm disappointed that I wasn't allowed participate in what I believed (and still do) with all my heart was going to be an amazing summer. A summer where I was going to be able to help a kid some how. I could have made an impact in someones life. Somehow.

But in the end I wasn't allowed to do that. I ended up wallowing in self pity and unable to do anything that summer.

That one decision that one person made changed me. I stopped participating in life. I quit school because I couldn't keep my grades up high enough to justify paying tuition. I quit going out with friends. It was very difficult to get out of bed. I didn't even want to try and live. I was done with trying as I saw it.

In the end I took 2 years off of school. I worked full time and lived at home because I was unable and unwilling to move on.

I did though. I moved on. Slowly. Painfully. I now have an amazing daughter and wonderful husband. I am SO blessed to be a stay at home mom. We live in a great house and my husband has his dream job.

I have hope. Joy. Love. Never ending love. Love for my family and friends, but no so much for myself. I'm working on it though. I'm trying. And in the end, that's all I can do.

My Victim Story

Why o why do I self sabotage? I have been doing great for 2 weeks by loosing 2lbs each week. I have spent so much time in getting my house organized and cleaned up. I have been happier over all, no quite so mean or yelling quite so much.

So with all that great work I have been doing (on myself and my environment) why the HELL did I think it was ok to get 2 bags (YES 2 BAGS) of candy and not eat it all in one sitting??? Ok so I did do better and not eat it all in one sitting, but I ate both bags within 5 days. That is way too much candy.

By giving myself permission to have the candy (even with restrictions) I also allowed myself to indulge in other horrible for me foods. I have not had as much salad, or fruit, or all the other goody foods.

Why can't I let myself succeed? Why do I feel the need to be a victim? Ooooo let's explore the victim thing for a moment. I think to explore this victim thing we have to go back to the beginning. What happened to me to trigger the weight gain.

In 1995 I was offered a job at a local camp for the summer. Basically I got the job on Wednesday, graduated high school on Saturday and moved to the camp on Monday. Let's just say that my life was perfect in my eyes at that time. I was able to graduate high school (it was a little ify there for a bit) and then get offered my dream job right after. What could be better? It was a GREAT summer.

So the next summer I applied and was offered and accepted the job again (I was a lifeguard so I didn't have my own kids, but I got to spend lots of time with all the kids). After the interview I let my boss know that I would have to miss a few days because of a vacation that was already planned. One of the conditions of the job was some extra training from the Red Cross. Ok no big deal. I was in communication with the Red Cross and trying to get signed up for classes.

I then received a letter in the mail. It was a rejection letter letting me know that the job that I was offered and accepted was being taken away from me. Of course I called my boss and spoke to her to let her know that A) the vacation fell through and so I didn't need any time off and B) I was in the process of taking the classes she required. She told me she would think about it and get back to me. She never called.

I was devastated.

I was given the gift of have another perfect summer, and then to have that yanked out of my hands for reasons that were out of my control. This utter and complete devastation caused a major depression. A depression I still live with to this day. The depression triggered the weight gain. I was a size 10 and went straight to a 14. I put so much weight on so fast I skipped a COMPLETE dress size. I still remember trying on jeans and having to tell my Mom to get the next size up because a 12 didn't fit. I felt utterly devastated. Again.

So I have be battling depression and my weight since 1996. 15 years. I have let this woman completely change the direction of my life. I have be trying to find that piece of my soul that died for 15 years. I am still very bitter and angry at her. What really just gets my goat, I have no doubt she has no clue what that one decision did to me.

I have about 100 lbs to loose now because of a decision one person made 15 years ago. I am now a size 20. My clothes are twice the size they were before this event changed me. When I fold my laundry I am still amazed at how large my pants are. When I see myself in pictures I am flabbergasted at how big I am because in my minds eye am still the size 10 I was back then. I have been on and off several different depression medicines, seen several therapists and yet, I'm still devastated.

I wish I could let all that negative energy go.

How can I move on?

Time to start again

Ok so I thought I needed to start blogging a little more. I just read an article about people who lost a lot of weight and how they blogged about it. So I thought, "What the hell, lets give it a try". Soooo here we go...

I started Weight Watchers online about 2.5 weeks ago. I am only doing online and I don't go into meetings. So far I have lost 4.2lbs. (yay me!) I have averaged 2lbs a week, which is what I hear is what you are suppose to do. I started out at 255lbs. I am now down to 250.8lbs and my next little goal is to get below 250lbs next week. Oh, and I'm a size 20 or XXL in clothes.

Yes I still go out to lunch 3 or 4 times a week. I do choose smarter meals, but I also have had fastfood (I still LOVE McDonalds). I track every french fry and when I use up most of my points I go for a salad, or some other low point meal for dinner. Even if I am not very hungry at dinner time, then I will just have a big snack/small meal. I have only gone over my daily allotment of points twice since I started.

I have not started working out yet. I do feel the need to, so now it's time to work that in. I'm just not sure exactly when that will happen. I think in the evenings are going to be best.

At the same time I joined Weight Watchers I have started to clean and declutter my house. I am a pack rat. Not quite to the hoarder level, but I could probably get to that point if I let myself. I love stuff! You never when you might need that one little thing, so I HAVE to keep it. I am trying really hard to donate or get rid of lots of stuff. So far, I'm doing pretty good. There is a pretty good pile for the dump and another good one to be donated.

I think this year is going to be about taking control of my life. My emotional life. My home life. My child's life (hahahah I know, pretty funny right?!??!). I have let how my house make me feel like crap for far too long. I have a lot of stuff. It's time to get out from under it. It's time to clean all the nooks and crannies of the house. Time to unload my physical space of useless clutter so I can unload my emotional space of useless thoughts.

I am so amazed at how much better I feel since I started this project. Self discipline is (and always has been) an problem for me. I forced myself to vacuum and mop the floor last Monday night. I REALLY didn't want to clean the floor at 8:30pm. I was tired and I had been putting it off for weeks (I had been spot cleaning the floor). But, I did it. I woke up Tuesday morning with such a light heart. I didn't have to do any chores that day before my dinner party. My daughter and I were able to spend the day playing instead of me stressing out over needing to mop the floor and then being disappointed in myself when I didn't get it done except for the minimum spot cleaning.

So this blog is how I'm going to help myself unload my emotional clutter. I will keep you updated on all my ups and downs. I hope you're ready! I'm so excited to see what is to come!

Zumba!!!

So I went to a Zumba class today. Talk about a reality check! I have always loved to dance and used to go to clubs. I thought I was a pretty good dancer, and maybe I was, but not so much now... I say this as I was laughing at my self in the mirror in the class.

I was the 6 foot oompa loompa shaped girl in the hot pink pants trying her hardest to understand what the hell everyone else was doing.  You know, the one in the back who was trying to do all the moves, make it look graceful (hah!), or at least not too white girl, while trying not to run over another person or hit the pole in the middle of the floor. When I looked around at the backs of the heads of all the other people in the class I saw all walks of life.

From the Stepford Wife lady who had perfect hair, full face of makeup, looked cute and didn't sweat. Then there was the 6'3" gay white man who can't dance. He tried, he tried REALLY hard, but spent more time doing his own thing. Dude, go find a drum circle, no rhythm needed there. There was also the little Mexican spit fire who was about 5'1" and knew how to salsa. Again I can see that you know what you're doing, every time you swing your hips.

I stuck it out. I wasn't sure if I could even do it. I tired. I tired and did it. Not only that, but I'm going back. :)

Never good enough...

Who am I to think that I am worthy of being a parent. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter with every fiber of my body. I would gladly die for her. Now, here is the huge but. BUT there are days (like today) where I feel like no matter what I do isn't good enough.

Who judges me you ask? I do. My daughter does. My family does. My friends do. Random strangers do. It's all very stressful, overwhelming....never ending.

Who am I to think that I am qualified to teach this one little person everything she needs to be a well rounded, caring, thoughtful, successful, strong, smart woman who is able to navigate herself through life? What have I done to warrant this much responsibility? What class or life experience have I had to allow me to teach her all of this?

These are the questions that run through my mind almost continuously. Not only do I feel under qualified to teach this gift in my life right from wrong, morals, and how to be a good person, but I feel like I am failing. Not matter how hard I try. I feel like I'm failing.

I have one child. One. Why can't I keep the house cleaned, keep my child happy, and have dinner on the table by 6? I see mom's who have more than one child do it. Why can't I? Failure.

My daughter, for some reason, doesn't like to keep her clothes on. No matter how hard I try, she is naked more often then not. Failure.

I spend half the day counting down the minutes until her nap time and bed time. I just need some peace and quiet and some alone time. What a horrible person I am to want to send my kid to bed early just so I don't have to deal with them? Failure.

What time I do spend with her in between preschool three days a week, nap times, bed times, play dates, etc. I have many, many Mommy Meltdowns. I get so frustrated I yell. Way more than I should. Failure.

Her eating habits are overwhelmingly bad. I have a hard time getting her to eat breakfast so by lunch she is a starving evil demon. When she does eat it's chicken nuggets for lunch and dinner. Failure.

I could go on, by why?

Let me just say that I have been battling with depression for 14 years. A lot of the feeling of never being good enough comes from that. I have struggled with overwhelmingly negative feelings for all those years. When I get overwhelmed like this, I just want to stay home and do nothing. I don't want to clean, work out, deal with anyone (let alone my child), or even get the mail. I do come out of the "fog" after a while, but it takes time. In the end, I'm tired of this.

I know that I am doing something right. Well, at least CPS hasn't come by yet. She is, for the most part, a very happy girl. She is super smart and says things just to make me laugh. She will randomly say "I love you Mom" so I'm pretty sure she does.

So, how do I dig myself out of the black hole of depression I got myself into? I think I'm going to try going to gym regularly. It should help with getting my serotonin levels a little more normal. If after a couple of months I don't feel better, then it's time for medicine.

So, here we go. I'm gong to back into my canoe and paddle down the river of life. It's time to start moving forward. It's OK to look back and see where you have come from, but don't forget to look ahead too.

Eat, Pray, Love

So, I am reading the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I just finished the first part where she is in Italy and is experiencing the pure joy of food. Here is what I took from that:

Life is all about the simple things. My daughter woke up at 5:30 this morning and I went into her room to comfort her and get her back to sleep. I decided to lay in her bed with her and go back to sleep with her. I woke up this morning with a sore hip because her bed is harder than mine. Then I thought "How many more nights am I going to be blessed with being able to do this? At what age will she think it's dumb for Mom to share her bed?" I then decided the next time I am going to sleep in her bed with her I am going to cuddle with her, and not just share the bed.

I decided that if one person can uproot her life and move half way around the world to learn the joy of food and a new language, then I can enjoy a 2 hour sleep in a hard bed with my daughter and not complain about a sore hip.

I made that decision to see the glass as half full at that moment. Once I made that decision to think of that moment as a positive, I smiled. It made my heart feel light, like I could take on the day because it started out so wonderfully. Who wouldn't want to start their day after a warm cuddle with their child and then a smile to fallow?

Staying positive is a lot harder than I thought it could be. Not even an hour after my decision to remember my sleep with my daughter as positive, she did something to piss me off. I can't even remember what it was, but I do remember thinking about it later and choosing to try and let that negative energy go.

Why does staying positive and happy have to be a decision? Why can't it happen naturally? Will it ever come naturally? Will it always be a decision? Can't I just be naturally happy?



I have also been playing with the idea of taking yoga classes again. I remember how clam I would feel after a session. I want to feel that calm again. I'm tired of always being pissed off, frustrated, annoyed, stressed, sleepy, and all the other things a person feels. Looks like it's time to run to Target to get a new yoga mat! :)

~Me

Again!?!?! Really???

I was doing really well in January and then I went to my parents and sister's house in Feb and totally and completely fell off the wagon. SO frustrating! I had lost 9 pounds at that point. Well, I found all 9 of those pounds.

So, here I am, back where I started and just a little wiser. I now know that I can do it, but holy crap it's a lot of work! :) My jeans are tight again, and I'm eating at fast food places more often than not. This isn't how it's suppose to be.

I have started back at the gym, and I've started to wear my body bug again. I'm not being as strict on myself as I should with my eating, but I'm being thoughtful about it. I'm not weighing my food, but I am trying to choose better. Most of my family is coming into town this weekend, so after they all leave on Tuesday I plan on counting all the calories and weighing all the food.

I have also started to go to the gym with my buddy Annie. I noticed that I actually workout longer when I'm with her. She does the elliptical for an hour and I can't stand the machine, but I'll do it for an hour with her. I don't hate it quite so much any more because I actually burn more calories on it than the treadmill.

Well, at least I'm getting up off my butt and I'm moving. I know that I can do more, but for right now, it's all I can handle.