Back at it

Ok, so after the child was able to stop puking and got better I was able to get back to the gym. I missed 3 sessions because she was so sick. I think it was the most sick she has ever been. Poor thing. But she is back to normal now and life goes on.

I worked out on Friday May 27th. Here is my workout and times:

Yeah, jump rope 100 times, row 100 meters then do that 200 times 200 meter row, etc.  That took me 28 min and 4 seconds. My calf's where rather pissed off while I was doing it, but I got it done. :)

Oh, and I burned 347 calories...

So, that brings me to today's workout. :)

Yep. I did all that. My leg muscles are a little tired, but good. My trainer said that this was my best workout yet, PLUS I burned 485 calories! YAY!!!

It's been a week

I woke up yesterday and my first thought was when can I get a workout in. I then gave in and had McDonald's for lunch. Talk about UGH. I was feeling so good all morning and could hardly sit still, and then after lunch I didn't want to get off the couch. Talk about a huge swing!

I went to 24 hour fitness around 4pm. Cassie got some playtime at the kids area, and I got a 40 min cardio workout in. I did burn 500 calories durning that little workout. That did help me get over my couch potato feeling.

OH! The other thing I did yesterday was rejoin Weight Watchers. I think it'll be easier to tack my food and help with the weight loss. Yay!

So I did today's workout and although it was tough (it will ALWAYS be tough) I did pretty good.

 

Warm up:
100 Jumping jacks
800 Meter run - and of course it started raining as soon as I got to the gym. It was a nice wet run. :)

Ok, so here is how you read this. AWU = Active Warm Up, this is the second warm up. I did 42 (see the number next to my name?) medicine ball sit ups in 3 minutes.

Then came the workout. I had to do 20 squats, 20 meter bear crawl (put both feet and hands on the ground with your butt up in the air, now walk), 20 crunches and then 200 meter row. I did that 3 times in 15 minutes 30 seconds (see that time next to the 42 next to my name?). And I burned 452 calories. Yipeeeee!

I wonder what workout I'm going to do tomorrow. Probably cleaning... :)

And so we go.
~me

Painful weekend

I had no idea that I could ever be that sore from a workout. Geez. It was a tough couple of days, but I came through it. Some how.

My trainer saw me with my daughter at Target on Saturday. He could tell I was in a good deal of pain. He didn't want to approach me because he was worried what I would say in front of his daughter. I know I wouldn't have said anything that was rated R, but he didn't know that. I keep thinking of him seeing me hobbling around, looking like a stroke patient, and just knowing I was in pain, and all I do is laugh. He probably the only person in the world to know exactly why I was walking the way I was. I can only imagine what his expression was or what he was thinking, I just chuckle when I think of that.

He said that the goal there isn't to kill us, but to make us stronger. He doesn't like to hear the other trainers talk about the complaints other gym rats have. I told him several times that I want to work out hard, but I have a 3 1/2 yo and I need to function. He's cool with that. BUT, we didn't really know what my limit was. And I want to work hard so I just take what ever he gives me. I think we both learned something.

Today's workout was as fallows:

Warm-up
50 jumping jacks
800 m run

Active Warm-up
500 m row (2:06)
After the row he showed me the board of the top 5 women and men in all their categories that they keep track of. I did my 500 m in 2 minutes 06 seconds. If I did that on Friday I would have made the top 5 women. I am actually number 6, but they only do 5. SO CLOSE! I'll get on that board soon! It's nice to in my third workout and know that I am already good at something there. :)

Workout (14:43)
100 single jump rope
100 m run
Do that 6 times
I got through 5 times, my legs were just too tired. I did it in 15 minutes 23 seconds.

I then did a 500 m row for my cool down.

My legs are still store, but SO much better. Every step I take still has pain with it, but I can walk like a normal person now. Even up and down the stairs!!

Burned 400 calories according to my Bodybugg.

And so we go.
~me

Workout results...

Ok. So. I had no idea that they put your workout results on the GINORMOUS white board for all to see. I was a little heart broken to see a DNF (did not finish) for my workout on Wednesday. But I got over it when I saw other DNF's too. I wasn't the only one and that made me feel a little better. :)

I am having a real hard time walking today. My legs are like jelly! I feel like I'm only being held up with my bones! (Thank god for them!) I had to crawl on all fours to get up the stairs to take a shower. I couldn't even put my underwear or jeans on without sitting down. I then had slide down the stairs on my butt to get back down. Kinda humbling. But I didn't DNF! And I'm now clean.

I burned 425 calories as per my Bodybugg during the workout. I already can't wait for my message on Sunday...

I'm Done...

So about 2 weeks ago I went to Palm Springs for a MOMS Club event and I stayed overnight at a friends house. One of my Mommy friends carpooled with me and we had hours of conversation. I loved it.

One of then things we talked about was why can't I get off my butt and do what I know how to do and loose this weight. All of my immediate family members are all loosing weight, why can't I get motivated to do the same? I have asked many people this question over the years and I get no answer. My Mommy friend didn't have an answer either. Bummer.

After some thought about this I realized that I have to come up with the answer myself. It's not a question anyone but me knows the answer. Again, bummer. This means some time thinking and reflecting, not always an easy or welcome exercise. But I did it.

A few days later I was walking in Khols (department store) and I realized I can not wear any of the cute clothes. Not even any of the workout clothes. Oh, yes, they do have a "Womens" section but it is far from flattering or cute. That is when I realized I was done with this body. Done. I practically ran to my car and emailed my Mommy friend. Here is what I told her:

Ok, so after many conversations this weekend I am done with being overweight (fat). I just went shopping at Kohls and walking around wanting to wear the cute clothes but having the internal dialog of "Nope. Can't wear that. Too fat for that. All the fat girl clothes are UGLY."

I'm done. I'm done with talking that way, of thinking that way. It's time to fight for me. I don't feel good in my own skin. I can't just bend over and tie my shoe! So I'm going to get serious with making me feel good.

In talking about it for so long, and asking everyone why can't I fight for me, I realized that I was really asking everyone for permission to put my name on the list. No one gave it. Then I realized I had to give it to myself. I was looking outside of me when I should have been looking inside.

Holy shit. All that from 20 minutes inside Kohls. :)

Seriously. Holy crap. All that from 20 min inside Kohls. I wrote that email while sitting in my car because I needed to get that realization out as soon as I could. I sent that email on Monday May 2nd. I then went to my local CrossFit and joined on Monday May 9th and signed up! (For those of you who don't know what CrossFit is, here is a website for you www.crossfitie.com.)

Yeah. Um. What the hell did I just do? I was SO intimidated just watching the videos on their website. Talk about hard core. I scheduled my first workout for Wednesday. Yeah, today. I spent the rest of the day on Monday and then ALL DAY on Tuesday thinking about what they are going to make me do. I had a lot of self doubt. Am I going to be able to do ANYTHING? What happens if I throw up? Why did I do this? Am I worth this?

So I walked in to the "gym" on time and ready to roll. I am so out of shape that I didn't do much of a workout before I felt really light headed and then nauseous. After I got over all that I continued. It then happened again. My trainer said "you don't look good" and then sent me home with the warning that I might puke at home and it's ok. I didn't. (yay!) After some chill time I took and shower, ate lunch, and picked up my daughter.

I tried really hard to keep my self talk positive while working out. I think I did pretty good. I tried and completed almost everything the trainer asked of me. It might have taken me 3 times longer to do it than I wanted, but I tried my best. When the trainer told me to go home I almost wanted to cry because I thought I didn't do very good and I wanted to keep going. But, it really was for the best to leave.

My trainer said this should be the worst I feel. I won't feel so bad on Friday. Yep, I am going back on Friday. Actually, I'll be going 3 days a week. Hopefully more in the future.

And so we go.
~Me

BMI

I was talking to my mom the other day and her weight loss goal was to get her BMI (Body Mass Index) below 25. She is at 24.7. YAY! Congrats Mom!

So it got me thinking. What's my BMI? So I Googled a BMI calculator and added my height and weight into it and came up with 34.9.

Here is what the web site said about my BMI:
Height: 5 feet, 11 inches
Weight: 250 pounds
Your BMI is 34.9, indicating your weight is in the Obese category for adults of your height.
For your height, a normal weight range would be from 133 to 179 pounds.
People who are overweight or obese are at higher risk for chronic conditions such as high blood pressure, diabetes, and high cholesterol.

Rather depressing.
 
So, I need to loose about 100 pounds. Holy crap.
 
Do you ever feel so overwhelmed you are paralyzed? That's me. Right now. A part of me wants to take the easier way out and get lap band or something like that. But I also know that I need to deal with the emotional part of why I am this big or I will just end up right back here. I am working on that, or at least I'm trying to.
 
Getting my house organized and looking the way I wanted was overwhelming, but I was able to get a large part of my house decluttered/cleaned by going one room at a time. It's a lot closer now than ever before. So why can't I do that in my weight life too?
 
My brother, sister, mom and dad are all loosing weight. Each for their own reasons, but they are doing it, except me. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy and excited for all of them, but what the hell is my problem? Why do I keep coming up with excuses not to go to the gym? Why am I not able to see that I am worth it?
 
I guess I'm scared. Scared of the work. Scared of what people are thinking as I jiggle my way through another workout. Scared of never being happy with myself. Scared of what my husband will think of me. Scared of what I will think of me. Scared of what the world will think of me. Will I like me? What will it be like to live life as a thin person?
 
I have been overweight for over 15 years. I cried when I realized that. I'm 34. 15 years is almost half my life. It's just so sad. I have let this weight issue rule my life for too long. I guess what I'm saying that I am ready. Ready to become the person I'm scared to become. Ready to put my name on the list too. I think....
 
~me
 
PS ~ did you notice I put my starting weight in this post? :) talk about UGH!

Letting go...

So, after my last post I have done a lot of talking (thanks mom!) about my trigger and A LOT of internal dialog. I have learned that I have allowed that moment in time rule my life. To control all my decisions. All of them! From what I eat to what I think of myself.

I have been so mean lately. Saying (ok yelling) not nice things at the hubby and at my daughter. After realizing all the behavioral issues I have been having with my daughter are directly related to how mean I have been to her. Poor thing. How could she understand that it wasn't  her fault. I wasn't actually angry with her but at some woman she has never met (and I haven't seen 16 years!).

Once I realized this, I changed. I do still yell, but it's not a (multiple) daily thing anymore. I have replaced that with positive reinforcement. She does something she's suppose to (asked or not) she gets a high five and I acknowledge that fact. She is a whole new kid and I am a whole new Mommy. She doesn't hit me (or her friends) any more, she smiles and laughs more, and is just happier all around.  (YAY!!!)

I have been doing a little internal personal discovery. I visualized a yellow balloon filled with helium. It even had a white string. I then attached all my negative thoughts, energy, and feelings to that white string. After I attached all of that "bad stuff" I let the balloon go. I watched it float up higher and higher until I couldn't "see" it anymore. I gave all that negative stuff back to where it came from. Boy do I feel SO much better! More human. More balanced. More normal.

I was watching Oprah the other day and this is what she said about forgiveness. "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." Once I chewed on that for a while I realize how true it is. I can't change the past. I can only move forward. (Another thing Mom and I talked about. Thanks Mom!) So, after imagining that yellow balloon, filling it with all that "bad stuff", and letting it go I am doing everything I can to be happy.

Now that I have announced how happy I am, why the hell is my eating out of control the last 2 weeks? Why can have a really great day (like Monday) where I was in an amazing mood/spirit and then eat like a cow? Why have I given myself permission to eat what I want when I want? UGH!

I have finally given myself permission to go to the gym with my daughter. It's not a bad thing to put her in the daycare area for an hour or two while I workout. She loves to make friends and the daycare area is a good time for her. It's a win win. Now I just need to fallow through with that...

Well, I guess that's all for now... thanks for reading. :)